Socially Challenged Beings (First few Pages)

{{{The entire first episode is set inside the living room of the flat where the monsters live.}}}

PRE-CREDITS SCENE – INTRODUCTION

THE ROOM IS EMPTY BUT FOR A TOP HAT (WHICH IS SITUATED IN MID-AIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.) A NARRATION BEGINS (IT IS AT THIS STAGE UNCLEAR WHO IS NARRATING.)

NARRATOR
Eons ago the world was a very different place. It was partially inhabited by amoral creatures, which you and I have come to label monsters. Of course in the interest of political correctness, we are now encouraged to refer to them as ‘socially challenged beings'.

When the monster world collapsed, the aforementioned beings were forced to live in isolation from the rest of society. Some live in the mountains, some at the bottom of the sea, but our story is about three monsters who live in a cesspit of degradation and amorality known as … Dudley.

MUSIC STARTS – (‘Shot Shot' by Gomez)

THE PROFESSOR (A VAMPIRE) APPEARS. HE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND

The Professor was born in Budapest in the early seventeenth century. This self-proclaimed ladies man was responsible for the Great Fire of London, the Fall of Communism and the break-up of East 17 .… all three events achieved with strongly-worded letters. His novel ‘Curiosity in a Butcher's Shop' left critics claiming he was slightly right wing of Attila the Hun.

TONY (A MUMMY) APPEARS. HE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND

Tony is the most easy-going member of the group, spending most of his days carefully preserving the equilibrium in this potentially explosive environment. Although he claims he enjoys the challenge that housework brings, Tony admits his favourite pastime is painting eggs, whilst listening to the soothing melodies of ‘Simon and Garfunkel'. Simon is his favourite of the two, although he concedes that Garfunkel is not without his charms.

SYDNEY (AN ORC) APPEARS. HE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND

Sydney has spent most of his adult life trying to overcome the widely publicised stereotype of Orcs as moronic, uncharismatic and fundamentally soulless beings. He has had little success to date and thus he spent most of his pre-outcast days loitering (with intent) in and around greasy kebab shops … trying to nurture his bruised self esteem by comfort eating himself into an early grave. Kebabs are his only love – they are a food that can literally be fashioned out of any part of any animal. When confronted with the discovery that kebab meat moves under the microscope, Sydney insisted he was unconcerned, as it doesn't move fast enough to escape his sweaty palms.

THE MUSIC STOPS. THE ROOM IS EMPTY AGAIN (EXCEPT FOR THE HAT.)

The Monsters used to go shopping for supplies once a year (at Halloween) and would spend the rest of the year with absolutely no contact with the outside world. That was, of course, until 15 years ago to this very day.

* OPENING CREDITS *

SCENE ONE – A NEW ARRIVAL

THE PROFESSOR, TONY AND SYDNEY ARE ALL SITTING ON THE SOFAS.

THE PROFESSOR IS WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER USING A FEATHERED QUILL.

SYDNEY IS EATING A HOMEMADE KEBAB IN A LESS THAN ATTRACTIVE MANNER.

TONY LOOKS ON IN DISGUST, WHILST IRONING SOME SPARE BANDAGES.

PROFESSOR
Dear so-called Brian Harvey …

TONY LOOKS OVER AT SYDNEY AND ADOPTS A MOTHERLY STANCE.

TONY
You'll look like a kebab …

SYDNEY
What?

TONY
Watching you eat that is like watching a starved lion devouring a resilient wildebeest … blood, spit and semen all over the place. There's another six months until Halloween. Am I going to have to start rationing the food again?

PROFESSOR
… the appearance and charisma of a retarded ape …

THE DOORBELL RINGS AND THE PROFESSOR PUTS DOWN HIS QUILL.

That doorbell hasn't rung in nigh on twenty years.

SYDNEY
We better answer it … it might be burglars!

TONY
I'm not sure you've quite understand the fundamentals of what a burglar does Sydney.

SYDNEY
No it's common for them to check whether or not you're in first before breaking into the house. I've seen it on ChuckleVision.

A LARGE PAUSE AS THE PROFESSOR LOOKS SYDNEY UP AND DOWN BEFORE RESPONDING

PROFESSOR
You're not as stupid as you look!

SYDNEY HAS A VACANT EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE AND CHILLI SAUCE ALL AROUND HIS MOUTH.

THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN.

You'd better see who it is, Tony.

TONY
Why me?

THE PROFESSOR ROLLS HIS EYES

PROFESSOR
Because you're the only one with a believable story …

TONY SIGHS

TONY
Please excuse my appearance, I've been in a terrible, terrible accident.

PROFESSOR
Very good.

TONY WALKS AWAY, TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR.

SYDNEY FINISHES HIS KEBAB AND LICKS HIS FINGERS.

THE PROFESSOR LISTENS INTENTLY BEFORE TONY RETURNS WITH A BASKET.

A MALE TODDLER JUMPS OUT AND PROCEEDS TO RUN AROUND THE ROOM.

THE PROFESSOR PICKS HIM UP AND EXAMINES HIM.

SYDNEY
What is it, Professor?

PROFESSOR
I don't know yet … fetch me my screwdriver.

I, like every other sane human being, have been waiting ages for a good sitcom about monster house-mates.
I'm not sure this will be the break-through but I salute your valiant efforts!

One thing that could possibly improve it might be to cut down the narration or re-allocate it, if you're told who they are before the show starts properly it kind of ruins the fun of finding out.

It's not hugelly original, but a good like monster house mates is one that'll work anyway.

But your characters are defined by what are they are, not who they are.

e.g. a vampire can be ace comedy character (check out moody, pervy Spike from Buffy), but your current vampire is just a vampire who writes rude letters

All that exposition in the first page shows a serious lack of faith in your own writing.

The jokes are also a bit "whacky" in a not to funny kind of way.

Sorry I didn't like it.

I think you need to go back and expand the background, the characters and write some better gags.

I'd reccomend viewing Rent a Ghost, Buffy and if you can find it the original Dark Shadows.

Just make sure you stay away from Groovie Ghoulies. That there's a prime example of how not to write monster housemate comedy.

Thank you for your input. I don't necessarily agree with everything that's been said and was a little confused when someone said "write better gags." There are no gags! Maybe I'm in the wrong place.

I appreciate what people have said so far but don't think I'll bother posting any further pages just yet.

Yes there are, you don't honestly think a gag is.

VAMPIRE

Ooh I have a terrible headache I was drinking Bulls BLOOD last night.

GRAMS LAUGHTER

WEREWOLF

Yes and as a vampire, it would be a MONSTER hang over.

GRAMS HYSTERICAL AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

The Professor was born in Budapest in the early seventeenth century. This self-proclaimed ladies man was responsible for the Great Fire of London, the Fall of Communism and the break-up of East 17 .… all three events achieved with strongly-worded letters. His novel ‘Curiosity in a Butcher's Shop' left critics claiming he was slightly right wing of Attila the Hun.

You see you've got 2 gags in that one speech.

i Listing (e.g. providing 2 sensible items, followed by a silly 3rd one)

ii Similee (providing a bizarre or over exagerated comparison, e.g.
"to the right of Attilla the Hunn")

You've got some good ideas, but you don't seem to know your characters beyond the surface.

.

Quote: sootyj @ September 14 2008, 10:01 AM BST

The Professor was born in Budapest in the early seventeenth century. This self-proclaimed ladies man was responsible for the Great Fire of London, the Fall of Communism and the break-up of East 17 .… all three events achieved with strongly-worded letters. His novel ‘Curiosity in a Butcher's Shop' left critics claiming he was slightly right wing of Attila the Hun.

You see you've got 2 gags in that one speech.

i Listing (e.g. providing 2 sensible items, followed by a silly 3rd one)

ii Similee (providing a bizarre or over exagerated comparison, e.g.
"to the right of Attilla the Hunn")

View original

iii. "achieved with strongly-worded letters"

If you know how your plots will pan out and you are able to identify your characters' subtler characteristics, you're probably on the right track.

Fair point missed that one.

Sorry I must admit that was the kind of thing I thought you were looking for. I retract that thought and thank you for interacting with me ... its all good for the soul !

Thanks for your kinder words Tommy Power ... obviously the introductions are an 'anchormanesque' way of introducing a bold and brash stereotype and the rest of the script either breaks the stereotype down or reaffirms some of what we already know.

Obviously this is only the first few pages but they are very important and if the introductions are bad I'd consider taking them out. I personally like them a lot.