JEREMY PAXMAN IS PRESENTING NEWSNIGHT.
PAXMAN
Good evening, tonight on Newsnight the rise of Chav TV, has day time TV become the homeplace of the unbearable presenting the unedifying to the unspeakable?
WE CAN SEE JEREMY KYLE SITTING ON THE FLOOR.
KYLE
And today on the Jeremy Kyle , I'm a loud mouthed bore on BBC2, who nobody watches anymore and I've got a small cock.
PAXMAN
Yees, and later in the show Jeremy Bowen will be asking if presenters sit on the floor, because they're arses are tired from talking out of them.
KYLE
And I'll be asking if shouting at politicians nobody even recognises is a sign of sexual inadequacy?
PAXMAN
Right, yees that's it you jumped up little oik.
AUDIENCE (VARIOUS)
Come on them stab him with a DNA test, shove a polygraph up his arse. It's the f**king children I'm worried about.
PAXMAN
What's that?
KYLE
That's my audience if we don't fight, they will kill us.
GRAMS ARENA MUSIC FROM STAR TREK AMOK TIME.
PAXMAN AND KYLE DUEL USING A MICROPHONE AND STAND LIKE TRADITIONAL VULCAN DUELING WEAPONS.
IT ENDS WITH KYLE STRANGLING PAXMAN.
KYLE
Later in the show presenters who kill overpaid blow hards, can they live with the guilt?
PAXMAN
Right. Care to make a wager call it a monkey, shake on it.
KYLE
You're on...urgh.
AS KYLE GOES TO SHAKE HIS HAND, PAXMAN STABS HIM IN THE GUT, HE DIES.
PAXMAN STANDS UP AND URINATES ON KYLE'S VILE CARCAS.
PAXMAN
Hmm yees, now over to newsnight with Jonathon Dimbleby.
DIMBLEBY
Hello Jeremy tonight Jaqui Smith, can hold her own at the despatch box. But not in a knife fight. Care to tell us about your historic victory William Hague?
HAGUE
Aye, Conservative Futures putting a fookin smile on your Englands with a stanley knife,