GEORGIAN WAR A HOAX, ADMITS MORRIS
Controversial English satirist Chris Morris is notorious for his pop-culture pranks, but even his most committed fans were stunned at the magnitude of his latest media heist. The reclusive comedian and broadcaster yesterday chose a virtually unknown internet forum to reveal that Russia's "invasion" of Georgia through South Ossetia was, in fact, a meticulously-orchestrated hoax.
"We all had a good laugh at the time, thinking [Morris' admission] was someone's idea of a spoof," said one forum user, "but then I turned on the telly and was like, shit, that was for real!"
Indeed, Morris' elaborate charade disintegrated as soon as his notification had been posted, leaving a multitude of transnational news organisations at a loss to explain their protracted blunder. Observers are aghast at what is already being labelled "the greatest collective failure of the international media since Oprah Winfrey was first treated as an authoritative source of insightful socio-political commentary".
Morris, generally unwilling to discuss his methods, was so pleased with this deception that he readily accepted our interview requests. "It was all so depressingly easy," he drawled, lounging in his chair with the same loose-limbed elegance that entrapped celebrities as disparate as Phil Collins and Rolf Harris. "I acquired footage of recent Russian military exercises, copied a few videos of concerned-looking Western leaders from YouTube, and spliced them all together with scenes from David Lean's Doctor Zhivago. Add to that the contributions of several disgruntled foreign correspondents and a former IT technician willing to pose as Mikheil Saakashvili, and you've got a ‘Georgian war'.
"Basically," continued Morris, "I've f**ked the world. I've f**ked it in its pallid, vulnerable rear. I mean, I did "Bishopslips", I did "Paedogeddon" – and don't get me wrong; a lot of idiots came out of the woodwork after those aired – but the Russo-Georgian conflict is definitely the most successful of the lot, because it conclusively demonstrates that humanity comprises morons, people who heed morons, and very little else." With Morris' revived reputation, though, nothing can be taken for granted. As long as his claim that he sodomised Earth remains unsubstantiated, we certainly won't accept it as gospel.
One thing is for certain, however: critics who suggested Morris' best work was behind him have been made to eat their words. "Those stupid c*nts who've been asking ‘what's happened to Chris Morris' have got their answer," smirked the arresting yet graceful satirist.
Having stunned – and potentially inseminated – the globe with his most recent heist, Morris hinted that another hoax may soon be revealed. Though unwilling to give too much away, he advised this reporter to "wait until George W. Bush's second term 'in office' ends, and find out who really won the 2000 Presidential Election". The mind boggles.
Henry Henry, 2008.
