Hillary and Obama

Ah, go on. Radio sketch:

F/X:COFFEE BEING POURED INTO MUG.

BARACK OBAMA:I'm surprised you're so keen to get along, Hillary.

HILLARY CLINTONh Obama, in the contest between us the best man won. Now that that's over I want to be friends. (BARACK IS SLURPING AT HIS COFFEE) I'm sorry, I should have told you before you finished your cup- I put milk in your coffee. You're not lactose-intolerant are you?

BARACK OBAMA:No. The coffee was very nice.

HILLARY CLINTON:Are you sure you're not violently allergic to lactose? You're not just suddenly going to drop dead are you, leaving a democratic nominee vacancy.

BARACK OBAMA:No, I'm quite sure.

HILLARY CLINTONh, good. Well, anyway, yes I think we should show a combined Democratic front. I mean, people think I was obsessed about getting the candidacy! (LAUGHS) Can you believe that! …Oh, by the way, I should have mentioned it before you finished that seventh cookie you just had- those cookies had peanut in them.

BARACK OBAMAMOUTH FULL OF COOKIE) Oh that's fine. I love peanuts.

HILLARY CLINTON:Not fiercely allergic to them then? Not going to leave any certain positions vacant by having a horrific, ghastly, extremely-fortunate keeling-over?

BARACK OBAMAMOUTH FULL OF COOKIE) Hmm. No.

HILLARY CLINTON:Well, I believe in the cookies there were also nitrates, gluten, soya, shards of broken of glass- allergic to any of those?

BARACK OBAMA:Not at all. No.

HILLARY CLINTONh… Well, that's- Oh dear, I've left your mug empty. Let me fill it up.

F/XCOLDING HOT COFFEE COMING INTO CONTACT WITH FLESH.

BARACK OBAMACRIES IN PAIN) You poured coffee into my eye!

HILLARY CLINTONlipped. Don't worry, I'll clean it off you with this cloth that's been left to soak in bleach.

BARACK OBAMA: No! Listen, thanks for the coffee, Hillary, but I ought to be making tracks.

HILLARY CLINTON:Let me get the door for you.

F/X:FRONT DOOR OPENING. FRONT DOOR SLAMMING SHUT ONTO SOMETHING.

BARACK OBAMA:Gah!

HILLARY CLINTONh, sorry, I thought you were out already. Closed too early. I didn't mean to slam the door into your head.

BARACK OBAMA:It's OK. I gotta run, Hillary. Bye.

F/X:BARACK OBAMA MAKING HIS WAY DOWN THE GARDEN PATH.

HILLARY CLINTONCALLING AFTER HIM) Oh, and if you're really in a rush, ignore the gate and hop over the garden fence there.

F/X:ELECTRIC CURRENT.

BARACK OBAMAYELLING IN PAIN)

HILLARY CLINTONh, of course, it's electrified. I'm such a scatterbrain.

Made me laugh. Possibly a bit long though.

Heheh. Good stuff. Maybe say "united Democratic front" rather than "combined", and lose the "you just had" after the "finished that seventh cookie" to sharpen it up.

Liked this.

Not bad, but it's quite long for what is basically a one gag sketch. Some of the dialogue could be trimmed, but probably needs a twist at the end to really work and justify the length.

Too long, to much exposition for what is a very simple joke.

What exposition could be cut?

And (hopefully not sounding too defensive here) what exactly makes the joke 'very simple'? (Not that it's intellectual or anything)

Oh, good. Well, anyway, yes I think we should show a combined Democratic front. I mean, people think I was obsessed about getting the candidacy! (LAUGHS) Can you believe that! …Oh, by the way, I should have mentioned it before you finished that seventh cookie you just had- those cookies had peanut in them.

We know she wanted the job,

Not fiercely allergic to them then? Not going to leave any certain positions vacant by having a horrific, ghastly, extremely-fortunate keeling-over?

We get she's trying to kill him.

When you over explain it shows a lack of faith in your own jokes and slows the sketch right down.

Also Hilary wants to kill Obama, is a fine joke it's just a very simple one and could be done quicker.

I would justify the 1st one by saying its purpose isn't to tell the audience that Hillary wanted the job, but to juxtapose Hillary being harmless before, once again, trying to do away with Obama.

And the 2nd one- I'm sure the audience have sussed that she's trying to kill him. What she says is a joke more than anything (not an amazing one by any stretch)

Still, I post on the critique formum, so yes, I'm looking for other povs. Don't mean to be dismissive. (Or to be smug, so I hope I'm not)

Not at all, and I see where you're coming from.

Just remember pace is vital for a good sketch.

I thought it was good, and the electric fence, door slamming et al will lend to very nice radio sound effects.

And always nice in a sketch to have a very amicable conversation belied by someone trying underhand methods on the other.

Do think you could "tune" the pace slightly, there are some places where I'd like it a bit punchier. I like a good rambling (even surreal) speech sometimes, but in this case I think you're trying to move it quickly to get all the jokes in before people start getting tired of it (as essentially as mentioned, it's just one idea humourously extrapolated by using inventive methods)

e.g.

Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ September 11 2008, 12:40 PM BST

Can you believe that! …Oh, by the way, I should have mentioned it before you finished that seventh cookie you just had- those cookies had peanut in them.

View original

Bit laboured.
Either trim the "seventh cookie" part or let the audience work it out - you'd already introduced the joke with the lactose, and the next line continues the peanut joke, and peanuts are classic allergy stuff - no way they won't get it!

Liked the fence joke and the nitrates, gluten.. et al line especially

So basically, nice sketch, just trim one or two bits and it's there for me

I liked this. The coffee being poured into Obama's eye made me laugh out loud. Good stuff.

Made it to Treason tonight, I am mud.

That's dum spelt backwards.

Thanks peeps. Much appreciated.