CELEBRITY QUEEN by Mikey J
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE. DAY.
QUEEN:
See you later, Charles. One is orf to do that film audition.
CHARLES:
Film audition? What are you on about, Mother?
QUEEN:
It’s that new film they’re making. “Helen Mirren.” One is auditioning for the part of Helen.
CHARLES:
But you’re the Queen. You can’t audition for a movie.
QUEEN:
Helen Mirren played me in The Queen, so One thinks it’s fair for myself to play the part of her in the movie of her life.
CHARLES:
Don’t be so stupid, Mother. You’re the Queen. The Head Of State. You can’t do things like that.
QUEEN:
Argh!! One is so fed up with people saying that!! One wants to be a celebrity!!!
CHARLES:
But you are a celebrity! You’re the most photographed woman on the planet. Well, at least you are when Britney or Paris aren’t getting their bits out.
QUEEN:
Yes, but One is not a real celebrity, am I? One doesn’t have affairs with film stars. One doesn’t go into rehab. One doesn’t get drunk and fall out of nightclubs. All One gets to do is… well… wave a lot.
THE QUEEN LETS OUT A WOEFUL SIGH.
QUEEN:
They didn’t even take my Big Brother audition tape seriously. One did so well too. One claimed One was a bisexual dominatrix, stripped naked, sprayed whipped cream on my breasts, danced the Funky Chicken, and stuck a whole magnum of champers up my you-know-what. And One still failed the audition. What does it take to get on that bloody show?
CHARLES:
Well, thanks to that tape, the Royal Family are a bloody laughing stock!
QUEEN:
What do you mean?
CHARLES:
Your dirty tape is being peddled all over the internet. The papers are calling you the next Paris Hilton.
THE QUEEN THROWS HER ARMS IN THE AIR WITH JOY. SHE IS ECSTATIC.
QUEEN:
Oh, joy!! Fame at last!!
END.
