Naughties And Crosses

The clue is in the title of this one and is set on a TV game show and we join it as the genial host says:

HOST
Welcome back and we’ve now reached the exciting stage of the game where it’s one game apiece between the lovely Marion, playing noughts and Bob who’s playing crosses and it’s Marion’s turn to choose a box.

MARION
I’ll go for Barry please.

HOST
Barry Morman, film buff extraordinaire, what’s your answer please?

BARRY
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!

SYMPATHETIC OOHS FROM THE AUDIENCE

HOST
Oh I’m sorry Marion but it just wasn’t strong enough. So Bob, here’s your chance to block, who do you want to go for?

BOB
I’ll choose Gordon please

HOST
Ex-footballer and now top chef, Gordon Ramshackle, what have you got for us?

GORDON
Farking hell, when are you gonna grow some bollocks?

BURST OF APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

HOST
Nice block Bob, you have another cross and now just need one more for the game, who are you going for this time?

BOB
I’ll choose Tubby please

HOST
Top northern comedian Tubby Brown, can you win the game for Bob, gives us your answer please.

TUBBY
Fook me mun, whalla coont!

FLASHING STUDIO LIGHTS, BALLOONS DROPPING AND MUSIC BLEARING OUT AND STUDIO ANNOUNCER DECLARING

ANNOUNCER
Con-grat-u-la-tions Bob, you are tonight's winner of Cel-leb-rity Swears!

For me personally it was slightly too convulted for the play on words at the end. I think Viz used to do Celebrity Swears with simply a picture of someone (say, Thora Hird) and a speech bubble protruding from her mouth with an obscenity written in it.

It reminds me of a real incident circa 1997 on afternoon word gameshow Turnabout ("change the C to an R to make Rage" etc etc). On one show a really kindly old man called James was faced with 'Tape'. He really nervously stammered, "Erm, change the T to an R to make... Rape"? The host roared, "Yes James, Rape!" and the audience applauded.

It's one of my favourite memories. A white haired old man on tv, smiling broadly, 'Rape' written beneath him and everyone clapping. I love daytime TV.