HARDY:
Had a joke about abortion. Parents weren't impressed. Had to get rid of it after three month.
Again, the script did nothing for me, but that gag is magic.
"The Forum" Part 1 Page 2
Quote: Eggie @ September 8 2008, 4:00 PM BSTI like the idea but the dialogue could be snappier.
I have a question about how the show's going to go:Will there be other sites in the script or just the football forum? If you expanded the internet universe then it might open opportunities to do interesting things like having forum users go off and visit other websites together or making fun of search engines by having a taxi service that takes you to brothels regardless of where you said you wanted to go.
Or will the show be primarily about the separate 'real world' experiences of the users and just use the forum as a way to tie it together.
OR will it be mainly about these men just talking in a forum.Personally, I think the first two options seem like more natural ways to go. Not that the third one couldn't still be good. Royale Family for the internet age maybe.
If the show does mainly take place in the internet world, maybe you should refrain from showing what the characters other than Paul look like in real life; so you could do a big reveal in the last episode. Possibly not the best way to think when writing a pilot.
Hey, I've got an idea: Ignore everything I just said!
EDIT: 123456789 10 replies while I was formulating this. I need to learn to touch type...
I had Option 1 in my original script but was dissuaded from doing it as it felt rather complicated. Each episode will focus on offline life of one forummer with a twist at the end.
So far:
-Get rid of gay references
-Dialogue too clunky (don't forget it is sort of supposed to be what they're typing...)
-More concise direction
Anything else to take on board before my next re-write?
I didn't get that it was a literal interpretation of what they were typing at all.
If that's what you were aiming for it should be even less conversational.
Only looked at part 1 so I can't comment on it overall but I found it a difficult read, for three reasons.
1 - wordy decriptions (as others have said). For example, this from scene 1:
Quote: al_gernon @ September 8 2008, 3:39 PM BSTTHE ROOM IS COVERED IN POSTERS OF SCANTILY-CLAD WOMEN, A JUKE-BOX AND VARIOUS OLD FOOTBALL JERSEYS AND PENDANTS. A NUMBER OF NEON SIGNS ON THE WALLS ADVERTISE ITEMS LIKE "ESSENTIAL MEDICATIONS", "BORED HOUSEWIVES" AND "ONLINE CASINOS" A NUMBER OF OTHER CHAIRS OF VARIOUS DESIGNS AND STATES OF DISREPAIR REMAIN EMPTY. THE ROOM RESEMBLES A LIVING ROOM IN AN ALL-MALE, FOOTBALL-SUPPORTING STUDENT HOUSE.
could just become this:
THE ROOM RESEMBLES A LIVING ROOM IN AN ALL-MALE, FOOTBALL-SUPPORTING STUDENT HOUSE.
2 - gag-light, especially for an opening - you need to nail some laughs early on
3 - not clear who is who, especially when you switch in the script between real names and forum names.
If I've got the idea right, and I'm not sure I have, in the "forum" these people are talking to each other in the same "room" to represent them typing to each other in the same forum. Is that right? If so I can see it working as a piece of theatre but I'm not sure about it on TV. What I mean is, on stage you can get away with this type of conceit but I think a TV audience would find it hard to buy into. Just my gut feeling.
I read the first part and I didn't get much out of it. Don't have much to add that others haven't said already. Just a thought, but you might want to check this out:
https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/8740
It's got a similar concept, though it's about WOW players rather than football forum bods. Worth checking out to compare structure and gag rate.
Cheers David.
Well, I've read every bit of your sitcom extracts. These are the main issues as I see them:
*The direction is far too long. Really needs severe cutting down.
*Dialogue is too chunky, far too much being said and not always easy to read.
*Very few jokes, and what jokes there are get lost in the adundant wordage.
*There is no plot that I can decifer so the whole thing has no direction. 12 scenes (minus scene 8?) and nothing is happening apart from chatter. One could expect 12 scenes to be the entire sitcom.
*I am personally struggling to see how this mirrors a chatroom or message board.
*You changed the character names in the script ie from Stu to Hardy. I believe this is a cardinal sin in script writing and punishable by death or worse.
On the plus side you have actually written something but you need a lot of work to start knocking this into something better.
While reading through your work something occured to me. Is this a wind up? after all it is called 'The Forum' just like these boards and it does go on about people using the forum and their traits. Coincidence perhaps but it kind of reminds me of davidmoreton's 'The Jokes on You'.
??
Def.
Quote: Deferenz @ September 9 2008, 9:58 AM BSTWhile reading through your work something occured to me. Is this a wind up? after all it is called 'The Forum' just like these boards and it does go on about people using the forum and their traits. Coincidence perhaps but it kind of reminds me of davidmoreton's 'The Jokes on You'.
??
Def.
All points taken on board.
No point in me posting rest of episode, where there is a plot developed and sub-plot and plenty of jokes. Looking back over it now I realise the directions are too long and dialogue needs a bit of work. Also need to re-jig my scenes so the plot(s) and jokes come in earlier.
I'll get to work and post up revised script when I've finished. I do beleive I've got a winning premise, jokes and characters but maybe I focussed on setting it up too much for a pilot episode. Thanks for all the feedback.
Quote: al_gernon @ September 9 2008, 3:04 PM BSTAll points taken on board.
No point in me posting rest of episode, where there is a plot developed and sub-plot and plenty of jokes.
I did a quick reccy using ms word and your first 12 scenes run to approx 25 pages already. You need to try and get that plot developing as soon as possible in the opening scenes. It also needs jokes from the beginning and not 25 pages in.
Best of luck.
Def.
Right, I've done a bit of work on this, introducing plot (need for money or internet access will be cut off, thereby losing all contact with outside world) and sub-plot (two millionth post on the forum that day) with a few jokes (I hope!). I'm still having problems with directions particularly in first scene as it's setting the room analogy of the forum up. Dialogue still needs to be worked on. Let me know if it's an improvement.
---
SCENE 1. INT. DINGY LIVING ROOM TYPE SETTING – DAY1
THE ROOM RESEMBLES A LIVING ROOM IN AN ALL-MALE, FOOTBALL-SUPPORTING STUDENT HOUSE. A TATTY OLD SIGN ON THE WALL EXCLAIMS "Welcome to www.ThatBloodyFootballForum.com"A SPECTACLED, TEARY-EYED, LONE MIDDLE-AGED MAN SITS PATIENTLY IN AN OLD ARMCHAIR WITH A CUP OF TEA. HE'S WEARING A JUMPER WITH A LITTLE FOOTBALL MOTIF AND A STICKER STATING THE NAME "MORTIMER". A CLOCK HE REPEATEDLY LOOKS AT READS 07:00.
MORTIMER:
Anyone here? (BEAT) Anyone?!?
THE CLOCK IS SHOWN TO MOVE TO 09:01
A THIRTY-SOMETHING MANCUNIAN MALE ENTERS AND SIGHS. HE IS HANDSOME WITH A TRENDY HAIRCUT. PEERING AT THE SIGN STATING www.ThatBloodyFootballForum.com HE SHAKES HIS HEAD FORLORNLY.
MORTIMER LOOKS UP EXPECTANTLY. THE NEWCOMER PUTS A NAME STICKER ON HIS DESIGNER SUIT LAPEL STATING "HARDY". HE PLONKS HIMSELF IN A RETRO SWIVEL EGG CHAIR.
HARDY:
(LOOKING AROUND) Ace. First in. No-one in, no?
MORTIMER WIPES EYES AND DISCARDS TISSUE IN LARGE PILE ON FLOOR.
MORTIMER:
(Excitedly) I am! (BEAT) Just in.
HARDY:
You. What a start to the bastard week.
MORTIMER:
Oh do hold on! I think that's my door bell. Back in a jiffy, it's probably not really for me!
HARDY:
Like a hard day's work, sexual relationships, physical exercise…
MORTIMER:
I do hope it's not those youths again. Looking for money from me for some poor, starving children, separated from their parents!
HARDY:
Bloody students.
CUT TO
SCENE 2. INT. MORTIMER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY1
MORTIMER PUTS SOUND DOWN ON TV IN THE CORNER OF HIS LIVING-ROOM.
MORTIMER:
(SHOUTS CAUTIOUSLY) Who is it?
MORTIMER PEERS OUT NET CURTAINS. DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN LONGER AND LOUDER.
MORTIMER:
(LOOKING UP STAIRS) I'll get it. (SHOUTS AT FRONT DOOR) Come in!
MAN IN UNIFORM ENTERS HOUSE.
MORTIMER:
Good morning, can I help you? I'm sorry I thought it was Pat Butcher's doorbell on the television! They sound the same. Missed Uncle Roger calling with a shotgun wound to the pelvis during the Omnibus one Sunday. Anyway…Sorry, do I know you? (PAUSE) Lila's fancy dress! You came as a…
BAILIFF:
Bailiff. No.
MORTIMER:
Bay lift?
BAILIFF:
Bailiff.
MORTIMER:
Bay leaf? Sorry, are you ok?
BAILIFF:
FACKIN' BAILIFF. You know me from calling here last week. Saw you peeking out the window. You owe your broadband provider five hundred and sixty three pand and thirty three pence. Would have got a warning in the post.
MORTIMER:
Oh, it would have been in my mum's name. But since the accident two months hence I…
BAILIFF:
Listen, I don't want your excuses. Heard 'em all. "Identity theft", "never got the bill", "I'm Michael Barrymore". If you don't pay your bill by tomorrow I'll be back with a summons to seize some property. And your internet access will be cut off.
BAILIFF'S MOBILE PHONE RINGS, RINGTONE IS "MR. LOVERMAN" BY SHABBA RANKS.
BAILIFF:
(PUTS PHONE TO EAR) Hello?!? Noel? Sorry, I forgot to ring you. Listen, mate, I'm just with a collection, can you be quick? (PAUSE). What's she got left, then? Right, give her eleven grand, she should be happy enough with that. Right, bye.
HANGS UP PHONE AND TURNS BACK TO MORTIMER
BAILIFF:
(TO PHONE) Knob.
(TO MORTIMER) Sorry, got a little nixer as the Banker on "Deal or No Deal". Where was I, yeah, your internet days are over mate. The end is nigh. The porn ultimatum (NODDING AT TISSUES ON GROUND). I've used that one before. Like the floor in a tapas bar in here. Sort yourself out.
MORTIMER:
No, they're not.. You can't do that. I need that. My friends. You can't…
BAILIFF:
Feast today. Famine tomorrow. I'll let myself out, Right Hand Man.
CUT TO
SCENE 3. EXT. RUN-DOWN STREET. DAY
CAMERA PANS DOWN STREET AT DILAPADATED SHOPS. MEN AT WOK, AUSTIN FLOWERS, FISH & CHIMPS PET STORE, GAYLORD TANDOORI ALL HAVE LETTERS MISSING FROM SIGNS. CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FINAL SHOP, FRESH PRINTS, WHOSE SIGN IS OBVIOUSLY MADE UP FROM THE OTHER SHOPS' MISSING LETTERS.
FADE TO
INT. PRINT SHOP. DAY
A STRESSED, TIRED LOOKING MID-FORTIES DISHEVELLED MALE IN OLD PUNK T-SHIRT AND SENSIBLE TROUSERS SITS BEHIND A COUNTER AMIDST CHAOS AS HIS WIFE ROUNDS UP THREE KIDS IN SCHOOL UNIFORMS WHILST NURSING A NEW-BORN BABY.
RADIO NEWS PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.
RADIO NEWSREADER (O.O.V):
A new report estimates that the total loss of employee productivity extending from personal Internet usage during business hours is costing companies in the upper billions…
WIFE:
(STERNLY)
Sounds like you and that bloody football internet forum you run. Have you made any money from it yet?
PAUL:
Bloke called Leonardo di Ford Capri-Sun bought a t-shirt and mousemat last week. With some forum catchphrases on it…"Do you like WWF?", "Do you know how to date English porcelain?", "SPUNK!". Think they were for his dad for Father's Day.
WIFE:
(SHAKING HEAD)
Tch. You got much real work on today, Paul?
PAUL:
Few business card jobs. One for Mister Sitter actu…(STOPS HIMSELF TALKING).
WIFE:
(TUTS SUSPICIOUSLY)
Mister Sitter? From?
PAUL:
(SHEEPISHLY) Five yards? Oh, my head. Jesus. Shouldn't have had that extra bottle. I'm feeling it now.
WIFE:
Vodka does that to you. I don't know why you need to drink watching Heartbeat, it's all a bit sad. Don't forget Harvey's match tonight. And try and get a bit more work in, the week in Torrevieja won't pay for itself.
PAUL:
(MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) Neither will your mother.
WIFE:
Oh, you two have never seen eye to eye.
PAUL:
(MUTTERS MORE QUIETLY UNDER BREATH) That's cos she's an dwarf.. Right toddle on and I'll open up.
WIFE AND FOUR KIDS LEAVE.
PAUL SWITCHES ON COMPUTER AND GOES TO PUT OPEN SIGN ON DOOR. RUSHES BACK TO COMPUTER, STUMBLES. LOGS ONTO INTERNET.
PAUL:
Thank Christ for that. Aaah, bitta piece and quiet.
ELDERLY MAN IN COWBOY GEAR ENTERS.
PAUL:
Tch, sorry mate, we're busy.
COWBOY MAN:
I've come to collect the country & western night flyers. For my son's band?
PAUL HANDS ELDERLY GENT FLYERS
PAUL:
Oh right, yeah. Twenty three quid, mate.
COWBOY MAN:
That's Pretty Rash!
PAUL:
Cheapest you'll get in Wigan, lad.
COWBOY MAN:
No, no, it was supposed to say Petty Cash. The band?
PAUL:
Right, I'll do 'em again. Need the money up front, mind. And I've some important post to deal with first, alright?
COWBOY MAN:
Hmm, do you take cards?
PAUL:
Too right. Like cash back?
COWBOY MAN:
Why yes, the man's a legend.
PAUL RAISES EYEBROWS AND ESCORTS CUSTOMER OUT THE DOOR. HE PUTS CLOSED SIGN ON DOOR.
CUT TO
HI Al, (?)
I had a read of this and I think the set up works better in that we get a sense of the central conceit from the start. However.... and sorry to be a pain, but I ma not sure that central idea holds up for a sitcom. I could be completely wrong of course. It's a clever Idea and I could se it working as a play when the fact that they are not all actually physically present comes as a reveal, The sort of thing Ayckbourn might have written. The troble I have with it as a sitcom is that in a sitcom characters are 'essentially' locked in conflict. EIther through work or family or marriage etc. In your idea the characters aren't locked in conflict at all as it is just a forum, they can turn off their computer and walk away, and because of this the conflict that you have put in has to be manufactured out of things outside the central premise. The angry baliff, for example, and this makes the comedy forced for me rather than coming organically from the essential design. I did like the idea of who the banker might be though.
Sorry to be a wet blanket.
Marc
I've jsut read the rewrites and to me it's now snappier and with better gags, than the slightly lackluster original.
You've got some decent gags there, and the interplat between characters is aparkier.
I think though it's plot lite, and that's lethal in most sitcoms.
I would suggest having 2 main plot streams, the characters you see, and the characters on line that you don't.
With the unseen characters having fully developed characters.
I just remembered that James Henry has recently put a script with a similar set-up on his blog. Thought you might be interested.
http://www.james-henry.co.uk/jbarchives/blogcomscript.pdf
Edit: I don't accuse you of plagiarising. I just really liked James's script and it got rejected. It's about blogs not a forum. But it has the two main plots thing Sooty mentioned.
I think in comedy there's so much danger of copying some one by accident, you should build in at least 1 truly unique feature.
That way you're a little less likely to get accused of plagarism.