You Can Hang Out With All The Boys

I read somewhere that to help you have ideas for sketches, it's good to try to write ones in all of the different film genres and it mentioned Western, Sci-fi/Space, Costume Drama etc.

This is my Western/Cowboy effort and although the end punch line is a visual one, I'm not quite sure how the final spoken line from the central character should be delivered, (I'll explain at the end of the sketch) so I also wanted opinions please on what others think is the better option?

FADE IN

EXT. WILD WESTERN TOWN - DAY

Outside an old western one-horse town type setting you see an UNDERTAKER come out of a swinging doors saloon and he says something to a KID who then runs across to the barber shop, where a COWBOY is about to get a shave.

INT. TOWN BARBER SHOP – DAY

KID:
Mr, the big Jessie gang’s in the saloon and are looking for you.

The cowboy (the strong silent type) stops the BARBER’S hand holding the razor, tears off the gown from around his neck and wipes off the shaving cream from his face, as the barber backs away.

The cowboy then puts his cigar (that he had been smoking) back into his mouth, goes outside to mount his horse, flicks a coin to the kid, who by now has followed him outside and then walks his horse over to the saloon, where he ties it up and climbs the steps to the saloon and walks in and up towards the bar.

The BARTENDER on seeing him, motions with his head as to where the gang are sat and then carries on polishing the glass he was cleaning.

The cowboy goes up to the big Jessie gang's table and says:

COWBOY
I hear you've been looking for me?

You then, (for the first time) see the big Jessie gang sitting at a table, consisting of:

A Red Indian, a policeman, a construction worker and a leather clad biker with a handlebar moustache.

FADE OUT

The thing I’m undecided on is when the cowboy asks "I hear you've been looking for me?" to the rest of the big Jesse gang/Village People, I’m not sure whether he should say it in a macho or a camp voice?

I also think some of my descriptive dialogue is a little clumsy and could be improved by a re-write, but that probably comes with experience or by having a script editor tidy it up if it ever reached that far, plus if it ever actually got filmed, you would visually "see" the descriptive parts anyway, it would have just looked a bit too busy on the written script pages.

I think the action descriptions should be trimmed as much as possible. Think I read that on the BBC site. Stuff like "his cigar (that he had been smoking)" is clunky. Maybe earlier you could have said, "His smouldering cigar is resting on an ashtray nearby".

To keep the production simpler and the budget lower (and then maybe more chance of getting it broadcast), i think you should lose the external shot of a western town. The boy could just run out of the bar and then it cuts to the barbers.

Re: the punchline. I think it could be a normal voice. But I like the idea of the others all cooing camply, raising their eyebrows, puckering their lips etc.

I think it's been taboo to say 'red indian' for about 15 years now. I think you're supposed to say 'native american'.

As usual, don't let these comments disguise the fact that the script really made me chuckle

Hi 'Ima' - agree with Scott's comments on the trimming and on losing the exterior shot for practical and expense purposes. The joke is a good one but knowing that the gang is 'Big Jessies' gang it is no surprise that they are a bunch of camp cowboys so even though I was not expecting the Village People look-alikes I wasn't surpised by the fact they were a bunch of Breakback Mountaineers if you know what I mean. Perhaps there could be a twist in there somewhere - maybe the hard looking cowboy DOES come out with a very camp voice and pulls out a pink pistola and the 'Big Jessies' really are a bunch of hard b*stards? OK - maybe that isn't particularly funny but hopefully you see what I'm trying to get at!!? - just a thought mate.
Cheers,
Andy

Thanks for the comments gents and they were valid points and although Scott T, I did suspect the dialogue was iffy and needed sorting out, by you saying so too, that just confirms it. I do tend to just get it down in writing to have it on record before I forget the idea and maybe do write it in the wrong way but hopefully this is something I can work on to improve.

I did the town scene thing as a spoof on the Clint Eastwood/man with no name theme in mind and though maybe a mock up town with fake buildings or hiring the use of a wild west theme park town (or whatever they are called) would solve the location problem and not be too expensive if it was ever filmed. I had this in mind because I wanted to try to string it out to build up the anticipation and tension. Your suggestion with cuts and edit makes sense though.

I also think I’m favouring the normal voice too so that you don’t get the joke revealed until the very last moment.

I’m also a bit old-fashioned and not too big on politically correct stuff, even though I appreciate it started out with good intentions and it's not as if Red Indian is a term of abuse, it just tells you it's not an Asian Indian. To me, ANYONE who comes from American is a native American and it's the same with all that African American lark. They are black and I don’t see what the big deal is, especially as a vast number of black Americans wouldn’t even be able to point out Africa on the map and you'd have to go so far back along their family lines to trace anything African it's laughable......although I appreciate that none of that is down to you and hope you don't think I'm shooting the messenger here.

I’m glad you liked the end joke though and what I found amusing is it’s like because it would be set in the past, we from the future are the ones who get the Village People reference and not the others in the bar......if that makes sense? LOL.

I think it’s unanimous on the trimming of the dialogue then Andy!

The big Jesse thing was really just a play on words and an additional (possibly) hidden joke, as Jesse sounds like a western name, as in Jesse James but also means camp in certain parts of the country, as I can see you know. It's just meant to be a silly retrospective joke that you look back on and nod to, once you find out the final joke. It can be changed though to any gang name really, I just liked the additional pun.

Like all sketch though, as you have both said, there are different twists and endings that can occur and everything is a possibility and nothing ever ruled out.

Quote: ima_mazed @ February 26, 2007, 12:58 PM

The big Jesse thing was really just a play on words and an additional (possibly) hidden joke, as Jesse sounds like a western name, as in Jesse James but also means camp in certain parts of the country, as I can see you know.

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Wasn't he one of the cowboys from Brokeback? JESSE James and BUTCH Cassidy?

Very good mate, I like it.

Good sketch. I think you've ended it where you should end it, and prolonging it any further is going to lose impact.

Thanks

Dan

Quote: imamazed @ February 26, 2007, 12:58 PM

I do tend to just get it down in writing to have it on record before I forget the idea and maybe do write it in the wrong way but hopefully this is something I can work on to improve.

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It's hugely important to get everything recorded, you're right. I see how you've got those descriptions now. maybe save that for your notebook though, and just type out the polished thing. I think it was SlagA a while back who said there's no point putting funny stuff in the descriptions, only the dialogue.

Quote: imamazed @ February 26, 2007, 12:58 PM

I’m also a bit old-fashioned and not too big on politically correct stuff, even though I appreciate it started out with good intentions and it's not as if Red Indian is a term of abuse, it just tells you it's not an Asian Indian.

View original

Personally, I don't particularly care about the term but thought I'd mention it. I'm not 100% sure I'm right either, just to be even more unhelpful!

Good sketch Ima