THE CHAIRMAN'S OFFICE AT NEWCASTLE UNITED. MIKE ASHLEY IS SAT BEHIND HIS DESK. KEVIN KEEGAN ENTERS, CARRYING A NEWSPAPER.
ASHLEY
Come in Kevin, sit down.
KEEGAN LOOKS AROUND FOR A CHAIR.
ASHLEY
Oops, I forgot we sold the chair. But we are looking to bring in a replacement, on loan. Tony Jiminez says he knows a man on the Costa. Mucho cheapo!
KEEGAN
(WAVES NEWSPAPER) Mr. Ashley, is this right, that you tried to sell Michael Owen?
ASHLEY
No takers, I'm afraid. We even offered to throw in a pair of crutches.
KEEGAN
You have got to stop selling players without signing replacements.
ASHLEY
Tony says he is having problems persuading players to come. They're put off by the language barrier.
KEEGAN
How about we sign English players?
ASHLEY
That is the English players. The foreigners just don't fancy the women. But not to worry, Dennis says that if you need him, he is ready to pull on his boots. In fact he seems quite keen on the idea. (LAUGHS) Says he could do a lot better than that useless shower you keep putting out.
KEEGAN
That's it, I resign.
ASHLEY
(STICKS HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS) La la la...Not listening...la la la.
KEEGAN
I'm resigning Mr. Ashley. (PATS HIS POCKETS) Where's my pen?
ASHLEY
On e-bay. But it's okay, Tony says he knows where he can borrow you a bic.
KEEGAN STORMS OUT.
ASHLEY (CONT.)
Well, really. (AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT) Oh, Kevin, be careful on your way out...
KEEGAN (OOV)
Aaaahghhhhhhhhh
ASHLEY
...we sold the lift.
END.
