SKETCH COMP 5-12.8.8 Page 2

UNCLE OLIVER.

MOTHER LAYING DOWN THE LAW TO HER 12 YEAR OLD SON TOM.

MOTHER:
Thomas, I don't care what Kevin wants you to do, you're spending the summer in the country with your uncle Oliver. You haven't seen him in years. Blood is thicker than water you know.

TOM:
But Mam!

MOTHER:
No buts, now get on that train.

TOM STEPS OFF THE TRAIN AND WALKS ALONG A COUNTRY ROAD. HE COMES ACROSS A FARMER.

TOM:
Excuse me. Could you tell me where Oliver Andersons house is?

FARMER:
Oliver, Oliver, Ollie, Ol...Oh yes. Turn left at the top of the hill. You'll come across a man with his left leg stretched out way in front of his right. Its 10,000 centimetres from him.

TOM:
Thanks.

TOM WALKS PAST THE MAN STANDING EXACTLY AS THE FARMER HAD DESCRIBED. HE REACHES OLIVERS HOUSE.

TOM:
Oliver!

OLIVER:
In the barn lad.

OLIVER IS IN HIS 50'S. ECCENTRIC LOOKING WITH A SHOCK OF RED HAIR. HE SEEMS TO BE WORKING DILLIGENTLY ON SOMETHING.

OLIVER:
Here lad. Put this rope around your neck and run over to the wall.

TOM:
What? Am... ok..

TOM RUNS TOWARDS THE WALL BUT HALFWAY OVER THE ROPE IS STRETCHED TO ITS LIMIT. HE IS FLUNG BACKWARDS WITH FORCE AND THE ROPE TIGHTENS AROUND HIS NECK.

OLIVER:
Jaysus no. Thats way too tight altogether. Take that oul' rope off. While you're here I need your help running a few experiments. I'm entering a competition in November.

First things first. We need to get down to the lake this evening, catch 2 swans, tie them to the church pier and gauge peoples reactions.

ITS DARK. WE CAN JUST MAKE OUT THE 2 FIGURES RUNNING DOWN TO THE LAKE. WE HEAR A STRUGGLE, SWANS SQUAKING, TOM SHOUTING IN PAIN, A HUGE SMACK AND TOMS SHOUTS STOP ABRUPTLY.

CUT TO MORNING AND TOM WAKING UP IN BED WITH PECK MARKS ALL OVER HIS FACE.

TOM:
W-what happened?

OLIVER:
That swan floored you with a right hook. Mother o' God he must have lifted you 5 feet off the ground. He he hee!

Never mind that. Onto stage 2. Heres a bowl of soup.

TOM:
Great, thanks.

HE BEGINS TO SIP IT.

OLIVER:
What are you doing?! I want you to take this on a bus trip around the county. I need to know how soup reacts to a bus. Good lad and i'll have a surprise for you when you get back tonight.

TOM:
(BEGRUDGINGLY) Ok.

TOM RETURNS EXHAUSTED,

TOM:
Ok, wheres the surprise?

OLIVER:
Excellent stuff. Heres a whole gallon of fanta for you.

TOM:
Yess! Thanks.

OLIVER CLOSES THE DOOR.

TOM:
Can you leave the door open, its so warm.

OLIVER:
No way lad. As the old saying goes,'A closed door is better than an open window.' Now drink the gallon like a good lad.

TOM:
Thats impossible.

OLIVER:
Nothings impossible. The more you see fanta, fanta will see you. Bubbles of vision swimming to the surface to get the measure of ya! Its in your system making you burp, rotting your teeth, making you put on weight. Go Tom show the fanta who's boss!

TOM DRINKS IN HUGE GULPS.

TOM: Ooh I feel so full. I'm not feeling so well.

OLIVER:
Go to bed lad and have a good nights sick. We have to be up early in the morning.

TOM WAKES UP AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW TO SEE OLIVER UP A TREE. OLIVER STEPS ON A LADDER RESTING BY THE TREE. HE LETS IT FALL IN THE DIRECTION OF TOMS WINDOW AND CRASHES THROUGH IT.

OLIVER:
(CASUALLY) Rise and shine lad. I was just out there helping young Tolka Foley get his cows out of the tree again.
Last step tonight lad. We just have to change all the chimney pots in the town with similar sized chess pieces.

TOM:
Why? Why the hell do we have to do that?

OLIVER:
Don't give up on me now lad. Its the last step.

TOM:
Ok. But this is definately it.

OLIVER:
Good lad, good lad.

NIGHT. THE LADS ARE ON THE ROOFTOP.

OLIVER:
Last house lad. We put this on and we're finished. Mind that loose slate.

TOM:
What?

TOM TRIPS AND FALLS OFF THE ROOF.

HE WAKES UP WITH BANDAGES ALL OVER.

OLIVER:
I know it was a tough summer lad but we're finished. You can put your name to this too. Heres a pen. I think they said your right hand wasnt broke.

TOM SIGNS HIS NAME:

'Thomas Anderson'.

OLIVER:
You forgot the R in Randerson lad.

Tom:
What R? My name is Anderson.

OLIVER:
Oh Jaysus! I'm Oliver Randerson. Your uncle Oliver Anderson lives 2 farms over. Here let me give you a hand with your wheel chair.

END.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ September 11 2008, 2:33 PM BST

Hi just to let ye know I'm unable to close this comp on 12 Sep! So basically keep entering till MIDNIGHT 12.11 then voting's open till MIDNIGHT TUES when I'll be back with the results!
Cheers

View original

12.11???

Does he mean 12 November???

Mi-chael???

Longest comp ever!!

FAMILY MATTERS
The Holiday
Written by
Richard Dodd

SCENE 1. KITCHEN
KITCHEN BREAKFAST TABLE. DAD (JOHN), OLDER DAUGHTER (FFION, 13) AND YOUNGER SON (JACK, 9) SIT DOWN ON A SATURDAY MORNING. IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE. DAD IS READING
THE ‘NEWS OF THE WORLD' PAPER. JAM AND TOAST ARE ON THE TABLE, KIDS HELPING THEMSELVES AS MOM (MEGAN), PUTS MORE BREAD IN THE TOASTER.

DAD:
Right kids, where do you fancy going on holiday this year then? Anywhere that is, except France. Again

LOOKS AT MOM. WHO SIMPLY IGNORES THE JIBE.

JACK:
Spain!

DAD:
Good answer Jack.

FFION:
I'm so not going to Spain. The food's crap, the country's full of weirdo's and I hate flying.

DAD:
Come on Ffion, Spain's not that bad. In fact, apart from the flying, it'll be just like home.

MOM:
Oi, you cheeky bugger. If you don't like it, you know what you can do.

DAD:
Yes, but it wouldn't be fair on the kids to lose their mother at such tender ages. (BEAT) What about Blackpool? You love Blackpool, Ffion.

FFION:
Loved Blackpool Dad, when I was five. Besides, Jessie from school said it's full of sad, drunk old men and smells of wee and vomit.

DAD:
Don't worry, the Conservative Conference is in Birmingham this year.

JACK:
IN A SULK
But I don't want to go to Blackpool.

DAD:
OK Jack, calm down.
TO MOM
What do you think?

MOM:
STOPS WHAT SHE'S DOING AND ACTS SUPRISED
Me? You're actually asking me what I think?

DAD:
TAKEN ABACK
Yes, I know it may be difficult. But try it for a change. You never know, you may surprise yourself.

MOM:
But you hardly ever involve me anymore. Even when we're in bed you make me feel like I'm simply making up the numbers!

DAD:
That's not true. I involve you in all sorts of things.

MOM:
Such as?

DAD:
Such as…
STRUGGLES TO REACH AN ANSWER. THEN MOMENT OF REALISATION.
…children!

MOM:
HALF EXPECTING THIS ANSWER
Of course, the children. I'm surprised you can remember being involved, the state you were in.

DAD:
I was not in a state.
MOM RAISES HER EYEBROWS IN DISBELIEF. DAD THINKS ABOUT IT.
OK. I was in a state.
REALISATION HE'S MADE A CONNECTION.
The States! What about America.
TURNS TO THE CHILDREN
We could go to Disneyland Florida and meet up with your Uncle Brian!

FFION:
Boring Uncle Brian? He's about as much fun as a party full of Emo's.

DAD:
I give up. Spain's full of weirdo's, Blackpool's full of wino's and America's full of Emu's or something.
THROWS DOWN HIS PAPER
I tell you what, you all decide where to go and let me know what to pack.
STANDS UP AND WALKS OUT THE KITCHEN

MOM:
So children. How did we do this time?

JACK:
2 minutes and 32 seconds Mom, 45 seconds quicker than last year.

FFION:
He's such as loser.

MOM:
Which makes us all the winners and now I can sit back and wait for our tickets to Paris with XL travel to arrive. What could possibly go wrong?

END OF EPISODE:

Assuming Michael meant midnight 12/9, I will kick off the voting. I'll go for Graham and his original entry.

No hang on, I'll go for Frankie.

Chris: Brilliant idea, would have loved to see you do a bit more with it.

I'm voting Tommy for definites.

I'll vote Frankie Rage, funny sketch

Otterfox for me.

It's between Otterfox and Timbo for me but I'm going for:

TIMBO!

Loved the punchline!

mine goes to Michael Monkhouse

Thank you Bushbaby!
Managed to get to a computer after all... Sorry for the confusion but I'm thick. Voting's on till midnight Tues!

Stu R gets my vote

Well.......I love Chris Forshaw's, Otterfox's and Michael's are also especially amusing. But my vote goes to FRANKIE RAGE because it, and he, is as daft as Big Bird from Sesame Street on mushrooms!

For me it was Tommy's

I liked Tommy Powers again. Then there was frankie and timbo. Frankies was well crafted and had a bit of his madness in it. Timbos had a beautiful reversed situation and a wonderful punchline. So close but timbo gets it for me, just.