PART 1
A YOUNG WOMAN, CLAIRE, ADDRESSES SOMEONE OFF-SCREEN
CLAIRE: Alright, look... I'm sure you've probably guessed by now that I don't like you much. That's fine. I can cope with it because Phil likes having you around the house and I want him to be happy. BUT I don't like you here! You being here gets in the way of my relationship with Phil and, what's just as bad, you take advantage of us! I mean, we let you stay here and you don't even clean up after yourself! Look, I don't want to seem like I'm pressuring you but... as soon... AS SOON as you feel ready to move out; please do so, because right now you are just a free-loading little shit and- helloooo!!
HER HUSBAND, PHIL ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A BAG OF SHOPPING. REVEAL THAT CLAIRE HAS BEEN TALKING TO THE BABY WHO SHE PROMPTLY PRETENDS TO BE PLAYING WITH
YOUNG WOMAN: Who's a little waffle-bottom? Whooo's got a waffle for a bottom? Is it you? is it you?
PHIL: Hey, Claire.
WOMAN: (AS IF SHE JUST NOTICED HIM) Oh hi!
THEY QUICKLY KISS, PHIL DIRECTS HIS ATTENTION TO THE BABY
PHIL: Hello there, little man!
HE RUFFLES THE BABIES HAIR, THE BABY MAKES A NOISE; PHIL IMITATES IT.
PHIL: You been keeping your mummy safe? Have you? You been looking after mummy?
CLAIRE: He's been an angel.
PHIL: (HOLDS UP BAG) I'm just gonna put this stuff in the fridge, okay.
CLAIRE: Okay!
SHE WAITS UNTIL PHIL HAS LEFT THE ROOM. THEN TURNS BACK TO HER SON.
CLAIRE: What the f**k was that? (MAKES BABY NOISE) Such a phoney...
PART 2
THE COUPLE ARE PLAYING SCRABBLE WITH THE BABY IN A HIGHCHAIR, THE BABY THROWS A SLOBBERY, BABY-FOOD COVERED SPOON
PHIL: Sammy!
CLAIRE: It's alright...
CLAIRE PICKS UP THE SPOON, WALKS OVER TO AND PUTS THE SPOON BACK ON THE TRAY.
CLAIRE: (WHISPERING TO SAMMY) F**k. You.
SHE WALKS BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN AGAIN, SHE SPOTS THE WORD SHE WANTS AND LAYS DOWN THE LETTERS TO MAKE 'SHAKEN' ON A BOARD ALREADY RIFE WITH WORDS LIKE 'HATRED', 'HELLSPAWN' AND 'POSTNATAL'
SAMMY THROWS THE SPOON AT CLAIRE AGAIN
PHIL: Sammy!
CLAIRE: Teh, he just can't eat food normally can he?
SHE PICKS UP THE SPOON AND WALKS OFFSCREEN, PHIL LOOKS AT HIS LETTERS.
CLAIRE COMES BACK.
CLAIRE: You'll never guess what he's done. He's rubbed it all over his face!
PHIL: (AMUSED) Daw! Sammy!!
CLAIRE: Just...splodged all over... and in his eyes. I'll go wash him up.
CLAIRE AWKWARDLY WALKS OFF-SCREEN AGAIN
PHIL: (SHAKES HEAD) Sammy..
PART 3
CLAIRE COMES FROM FROM A DAYS SHOPPING, LOOKING RELAXED. SHE BLOWS ON HER NEW MANICURE AND WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. PHIL IS WAITING FOR HER, HOLDING SAMMY. HE LOOKS STONY FACED.
CLAIRE: Hello, guys! How is everyone?
PHIL: Claire, I think we need to talk.
CLAIRE'S SMILE EVAPORATES
CLAIRE: What about?
PHIL: I heard the CD...(HE PULLS OUT A 'BABY EINSTEIN' CD CASE) The one that's meant to help him with his development.
CLAIRE: (KNOWS WHAT'S COMING) Right... Jane recommended it...
PHIL: Here's what's actually on it.
PHIL PRESSES PLAY ON THE CD PLAYER, IT PLAYS CLAIRE'S VOICE
CD PLAYER: I hate you... I! Hate! You! Please die! Please, please die!
HE STOPS THE CD, CLAIRE LOOKS ASHAMED
PHIL: Why didn't you talk to me about this, Claire?
CLAIRE: Look, Phil! I can explain...
PHIL: (STANDS UP) You don't need to explain anything, Claire...
CLAIRE LOOKS TERRIFIED HE MIGHT WALK OUT, INSTEAD HE COVERS SAMMY'S EARS
PHIL: (WHISPERING) I hate him too!
CLAIRE: What? You do?
PHIL: I've hated him from day one! I pretended not to because I thought YOU liked him!
CLAIRE: You told me he meant everything to you!
PHIL: He's a little c**t!
CLAIRE: (RELIEVED) Oh my God!
THEY BEGIN TO EMBRACE BUT BOTH RECOIL FROM SAMMY
CLAIRE: Eurgh...
PHIL: Oh yeah...
PHIL PUTS SAMMY DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE, THEY BOTH HUG AND LAUGH.
CLAIRE: So what do we do with him?
PHIL: I have an idea...
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE
PHIL, CLAIRE AND SAMMY HIDE BEHIND A PILLAR
CLAIRE: (POINTS) There's one!
SHE'S POINTING AT A LURIDLY DRESSED AND HEAVILY PREGNANT YOUNG WOMAN; WHO IN ADDITION TO HOLDING A BABY, IS PUSHING ALONG A FOUR-CHILD PRAM AND ESCORTED BY AN ENTORAGE OF SMALL CHILDREN.
CLAIRE: (OFFSCREEN) Excuse me, miss!
THE WOMAN TURNS AROUND, OBVIOUSLY NOT SOBER
WOMAN: Yeah?
CLAIRE: (HOLDS UP SAMMY) Did you drop this?
THE WOMAN LOOKS CONFUSED, TURNS BACK TO HER KIDS AND STARTS COUNTING; GIVES UP AFTER ABOUT FOUR
WOMAN: Uh... yeah.... Yeah I fink so...
CLAIRE: Ah...
CLAIRE WALKS OVER, LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT SAMMY AND EVENTUALLY GIVES IT TO ONE OF THE OLDER CHILDREN.
CLAIRE: They we go.
WOMAN: Alright, fanks.
CLAIRE: No problem.
CLAIRE WALKS BACK TO PHIL, THEY KISS TENDERLY. HEART SHAPED IRIS IN.
