So the waiter goes to the man in a reaturant and says, 'Your jacket potato sir.' And the man replies, 'No, it's pure wool.'
Terrible jokes Page 5
Quote: Yatta @ September 11 2008, 8:02 AM BSTWhy thank you.
Wait, do you mean great as in "Great for this thread" or great as in "They'd work in a good jokes thread?"
Great as in they made me laugh (so I guess the latter). Those ones weren't too bad either.
Quote: sootyj @ September 10 2008, 7:06 PM BSTFission chips, damn it!
I was beaten upto day, some one hit me a statue of Captain Mannering in the ankle.
I thought it was a low blow.
You've written batter.
Just watched some of my Tim Vine DVD, he's got some great terrible jokes.
My favourite composer is Handel. Who later teamed up with Hinges and Bracket to form The Doors.
I used to be a hairdresser, and I once went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince Charles' hair. When I tried to enter, a security guard asked me why I was there. I said "I'm here to cut Charles' hair". He said "Permit?", so I said "No, just a bit off the back".
My friend said she was going to cut off the bottom of my trousers and stick then in a library. I thought 'well that's a turn up for the books'.
Quote: NickTheDon @ September 11 2008, 11:13 PM BSTJust watched some of my Tim Vine DVD, he's got some great terrible jokes.
My favourite composer is Handel. Who later teamed up with Hinges and Bracket to form The Doors.
I used to be a hairdresser, and I once went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince Charles' hair. When I tried to enter, a security guard asked me why I was there. I said "I'm here to cut Charles' hair". He said "Permit?", so I said "No, just a bit off the back".
My friend said she was going to cut off the bottom of my trousers and stick then in a library. I thought 'well that's a turn up for the books'.
Ha, love Tim Vine's jokes, how can you not?!
And how can you not love mine:
So we got a new door recently and the man who fitted the new door left the old one in the hallway. My family and I started discussing were we'd take this old door. I suggested we take it to Gollum off of Lord Of The Rings because he's always asking for Mordor.
Salesman: Welcome to my table shop
Customer: Hi, we're looking for a nice table, suitable for a large family
Salesmen: Here's a perfect table, great for eating all your meat-filled meals
Customer: Actually, my family and I are vegetarians
Salesman: Oh... then you'll want to look at our vege-tables.
Roofer came round today. Said "I can't do your roof today, I'm a bit behind with my work." I said you're a roofer, you're supposed to be on top of your work!
Ok, I'll be quiet
Haha I liked those Yatta 
Now where did I put that gun...
Haha the roofer joke was great!
I was walking down the road the other day and someone threw a Wordsworth book out of a moving vehicle. I thought 'that's poetry in motion'.
I told my friend I like to listen to Britpop when I mow the lawn. He said "Supergrass?". I replied "Well it isn't bad..."
My friend told me bought a copy of The Jungle Book that was six foot tall. I thought 'that's a tall story'.
So I walked into a music store and told a lady I'd like to learn a musical instrument. "Wind?" She asked. I said "No, it's just the floorboards creaking".
My friend goes around scaring people with his hands. He's got a terror wrist.
*Ahem*.
I've got a sponge front door.
Hey! Don't knock it!
'Free television- volume control broken'
Well I couldn't turn that down.
A TV joke
To copy George Foreman, Frank Bruno is coming out with his own range of appliances - he's doing toasters. But they're only good for two rounds.
And a very obscure music joke:
What's the difference between The Teardrop Explodes and a bull. The bull normally has the horns at the front and the arsehole at the rear.
Tim Vine's awesome live:
I saw someone drop a box of Scrabble on my road last week. I said 'what's the word on the street'.
And my favourite: 'I rang the RAC to see if they could give me an itemised bill. They said 'sorry, we don't do breakdowns'.
My dog has no dictionary
'How does it spell?'
Terribly!
I've got a deer with no eyes or genitalia
How do you have sex with it?
No f**king idea.
What's white and yellow and goes 150 mph?
- A train driver's egg sandwich.
(Paul Merton's - blame him))
Quote: Charly @ September 22 2008, 5:03 PM BSTWhat's white and yellow and goes 150 mph?
- A train driver's egg sandwich.
(Paul Merton's - blame him))
That's un oeuf of the egg jokes thanks.