How does a monkey melt his cheese?
Under a gorilla.
Terrible jokes Page 18
Did he get the cheese from the chimp-antree?
I wanted to tell someone he was an Eskimo. But I'm pretty sure Inuit
I told my wife I was treating her to a luxury weekend in Paris. She said 'Eurostar?', I said 'Thanks'
I needed somewhere to recharge my phone, so I hit my dog in the face with a shovel.
Now it's a plug.
What do you call a suicide bomber with a violin?
Jihadi Menuhin
When is a man not a man?
When he's abroad.
Where did Charles Dickens go for a crap?
The bleak shithouse.
A man drove ten miles with a flat tyre to the car repair garage.
The man at the garage asked 'How are you today sir'
'Tired out'.
I used to go out with broken sat nav but it wasn't going anywhere.
I then went out with a half finished novel but it ended badly.
Finally I dated a wet swan vesta but had to admit it was a really bad match.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine. 
I was at a friend's house tonight. He asked me if I had done the lottery tonight (Wed). I said that I hadn't as I do the same numebers twice a week for eight weeks in a £16 block lottery payment and that I had forgotten to renew it. I have went three draws thus far without renewing my payment. I then turned to him and said 'None of my numbers have come up so far, I've been lucky enough.' He glanced at me rather forlornly and said 'Only an Irishman would say something like that.'
A family of bath's were resting beside their son, baby bath, who was deep in a coma. What did the bath nurse say? Shall we pull the plug.
3 english cats and 3 french cats are having a boat race across the channel. Which team won?
The english ones because un deux trois cats sank.
What's brown and creates a disturbance?
A noisy shite.