I went into the butcher's the other day. The butcher said to me "I bet you £50 you can't reach that meat hanging up there". I said, "No way, the steaks are too high".
Terrible jokes Page 16
My local butcher won't sell steaks, mince or cutlets.
I think he's for the chop.
Quote: Tim Walker @ September 27 2009, 12:06 AM BSTI went into the butcher's the other day. The butcher said to me "I bet you £50 you can't reach that meat hanging up there". I said, "No way, the steaks are too high".
That's not terrible! and it's Tim Vine's joke!
My wife's off holidaying in the Caribbean.
Did you make her?
Yes, she's a drug mule.
Quote: The Giggle-o @ September 27 2009, 12:16 AM BSTThat's not terrible! and it's Tim Vine's joke!
(Yes indeed, it is. But an old one. And I wasn't trying to take credit for it, but apologies.)
Quote: Tim Walker @ September 27 2009, 12:17 AM BST
Nah, I didn't think you were stealing it. I like Tim Vine, he's a good guy. Have you seen the extras on his stand up DVD where it follows his everyday life? It's actually really candid and revealing about him and the life of a stand-up comedian, funny yet sympathy-inducing.
Where do Jewish people get their hair cut?
In a hair shalom.
Why is the ocean wet?
Because the seaweed.
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the road...
(to a 6 year old girl this is hysterical)
A terrible joke I did when I first started stand-up...
'I went into HMV and asked for the latest Marc Almond album. The bloke behind the counter said, "CD?". I said, "I know he is but I respect him as an artist".'
(This was in the days when CDs were still considered a relatively cutting-edge piece of technology. I got better, honest. This gag survived precisely 6 gigs before I donated it to Paul B Edwards, for which I'm sure he was eternally grateful.)
Quote: The Giggle-o @ September 27 2009, 12:21 AM BSTWhere do Jewish people get their hair cut?
In a hair shalom.
Why do Jewish people insist on performing circumcisions?
For the tips.
Quote: Tim Walker @ September 27 2009, 12:30 AM BSTA terrible joke I did when I first started stand-up...
'I went into HMV and asked for the latest Marc Almond album. The bloke behind the counter said, "CD?". I said, "I know he is but I respect him as an artist".'
(This was in the days when CDs were still considered a relatively cutting-edge piece of technology. I got better, honest.
)
I hope so...
Nice one Andrea.
Disney's mascot won't stop wanking, sniffing glue and bathing in honey.
He's been renamed Stickey Mouse.
Quote: sootyj @ September 27 2009, 12:32 AM BSTDisney's mascot won't stop wanking, sniffing glue and bathing in honey.
He's been renamed Stickey Mouse.
How did Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy end up dogging?
They came in a mini.
Very nice one Samsa!
What does Popeye use for anal sex?
Olive Oil.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
I'm embarassed just typing them!