Wind beneath my wings.

A MAN IN A HOT BANANA REPUBLIC IS FACING A FIRING SQUAD THE COMANDER APPROACHES HIM

COMANDER

So signor this is it, are you ready to face your maker?

MAN

Do your worst.

COMANDER

We are civilised people, I will grant you one last request. A cigarette, a beer, maybe even a woman if you are quick?

SOLDIERS LAUGH.

MAN

There is one thing, it seems foolish now.

COMANDER

Your death is at hand, ask now whilst you can signor.

MAN

Well if you promise not to laugh. When I was a boy my mother left home, she couldn't bare my father. He was a cold, heartless man who beat me every day till I was 6. Then he sent me to boarding school where they beat me every day, except on holidays when he'd beat me again. He, he (TEARING UP) he killed my dog, my little Timmy, drowned him in the sink infront of me. To teach me a lesson I didn't even understand. My childhood was a childhood of pain, misery and terror. All I had of my own, my one posession I had was(BEAT) a Betamax copy of Beaches. Bett Middler was the mother I never knew.

SOLDIERS ARE QUIETLY SOBBING

COMANDER

That is a mucho tragic story, but the judge has passed sentence. What do you want me to do?

MAN

Could you sing wind beneath my wings, so it will be the words that spur me onto heaven. If I hear those words I know they'll guide me to my mother.

COMANDER

No I can't sing, I am very sorry senoir.

SOLDIER1

Come on commandante.

SOLDIER2

Yeh it is his last wish, the poor kid his little doggy was drowned.

SOLDIER3 (TEARY)

My mama always sung to me, it's a beautiful thing have a heart.

COMANDER

A bottle of whiskey, a joint, 3 women anything you want.

MAN

No, I mean if it's to much of a bother. I'll just whistle it whilst you aim at my broken heart.

SOLDIERS START CHANTING

Wind beneath my wings.

COMMANDER

Ok bloody hell you win, but you guys are backing capiche.

SOLDIERS SING ACAPELLA BACKING.

THE COMMANDER DOES A STIRRING VERSION OF WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

THEN HE REACHES THE "THANK GOD ABOVE FOR YOU," BIT AND MISSES THE HIGH NOTE COMICALLY.

SOLDIERS PISS THEMSELVES.

COMMANDER STORMS OFF IN A HUFF.

MAN SNEAKS AWAY.

I'd have the soldiers shoot the commander for singing it.

Very funny skit. The ending is a little rough though. Don't know what I could suggest....
perhaps Bett Middler could save him?

Hmm the ending eh, I think this is a nicish sketch and maybe part of a runner.

So I don't for once, want to shoot anyone.

Hmm, I might have them duet together.

Now, come on sootyj, this is ridiculous. Beaches came out well after they stopped making Betamax.

Could see this on Armstrong & Miller. V good. Possibly room for more gags in condemned man's hard luck story.

I really like this. Add Nigel's ending, check your spelling and formatting and you've got yourself a sweet little sketch here.

Thanks but I'm sticking to my guns on this one, no dies in this sketch.

I want to write something sort of nice for once.

Who was it who said, "If you show a gun in the first act you'd better see it go off in the third"?

Quote: Graham Bandage @ September 5 2008, 7:31 AM BST

Now, come on sootyj, this is ridiculous. Beaches came out well after they stopped making Betamax.

Could see this on Armstrong & Miller. V good. Possibly room for more gags in condemned man's hard luck story.

View original

I wanted to use the hard luck story as a slow build up device so was conciousy gag light.

Kind of inspired by one of Griff's threads yesterday.

I wanted to see how it looked without the stacatto rhythmn I usually use.

And betamax is funny, atleast to me it is.

Quote: David Bussell @ September 5 2008, 9:01 AM BST

Who was it who said, "If you show a gun in the first act you'd better see it go off in the third"?

View original

Chekhov and I mention no gun.

I want to do a follow up with Agadoo as the song he asks the comander to sing.

By the look at the response I'm probably alone here, but here goes.......

I cant read a 'death by firing squad' sketch without thinking about and comparing to Blackadder Goes Forth. This is very unfair, but might go someway to explain how this just didnt do it for me, sorry.

Is a commander singing a song to a condemned man funny? I just dont get it.

Oh firing squad sketches are ancient, I'm conciously working within cliche here.

I think Laurel and Hardy may have covered this, I know Benny Hill did and Morcambe and Wise.

It's what I call a trope.

Quote: sootyj @ September 5 2008, 9:04 AM BST

Chekhov and I mention no gun.

View original

You have a firing squad! What are they taking aim with, great buttered dildos?

I like the sketch but don't really like the ending. Surely there's a different spin you could do?

Dan

Nice sketch, agree with Graham there is space for some gags in the hard luck story.

For once I find myself like the Arena/execution scene in Rome standing alone against the blades of BSG critique.

The explanation is meant to be plausibly horrible story, to add impetus to our heroes simple request.

Bussell I will change it to buttered dildoes, daffodils, or leidherhose but no one dies in this sketch. It's about the restorative power of power ballads. It's Soootyj's hymn to the might of proper chick flick/wheepies not like the pallad nonsence infecting cinema today.

And Bandage you have no heart. Our nameless heroes mum recorded Beaches on Betamax becuase of it's superior quality and more compact tapes.

Otherwise I'll ponder how to apply your suggestions.

Thanks.