Paranoid

INT. DAY. DOCTORS.

A MAN IS VISITING HIS DOCTORS.

DOCTOR: What seems to be the problem?

MAN: I'm paranoid Doctor.

DOCTOR: You think people are watching you?

MAN: No.

DOCTOR: Well, do you think people are talking about you?

MAN: No.

DOCTOR: Could you explain more about your paranoia?

MAN: It's the animal kingdom, they're after me, big style.

DOCTOR: And when did this start?

MAN: A pigeon crapped on my car windscreen a week ago.

DOCTOR: That's fairly common.

MAN: Maybe so, but then a dog barked at me twice in one day.

DOCTOR: I see. How have you been sleeping?

MAN: On all fours. And I forgot to mention the donkey.

DOCTOR: The donkey?

MAN: Yes, in the field near my house. He keeps smiling at me and you should see the size of his..

DOCTOR: (interrupting) Ok, Ok I understand. You have a rather unusual mental disorder. Acute animal paranoia.

MAN: A cute animal paranoia? What's cute about pigeons and donkeys?

DOCTOR: What? No, you misunderstood. Anyway, here's a prescription and a phone number you must ring.

MAN: Thanks doctor.

THE MAN IS OUTSIDE AND RINGS THE PHONE NUMBER.

VOICE: Hello, you're through to admissions London Zoo, how may I help you.

MAN: Aaargh!

THE MAN IS CRYING AND DOES A PISS AGAINST A LAMPOST.

ENDS.

It's great right upto the punchline which is a bit weak.

Otherwise pacy, surreal and funny.

Basically, we all know what's going to happen, don't we? Not precisely of course. The punchline involves an animal or the patient/doctor/assistant behaving like animal. C'mon, let's be honest.

So if you insist on walking down this well-worn path of the psychiatrist/doctor sketch, at least pepper it with some short, sharp original gags.

Oh – and the ‘A cute' gag – it's so old; there's no need to miss-spell it.

"You've got acute angina, madam"

"Oh, thank you young man" etc, etc.

A good idea is to 'watch' your sketch on your television (no need to turn it on). Is it funny? Has it been done before? If you were a script editor, would you put it on the short list? Is it one of those sketches that, if you hadn't written it would say, "What a load of shit!" - Try it.

The ending isn't good. I need to twist it. But thanks for some constructive feedback.