Swimming Pool

INT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Dad and his son are walking alongside the edge of the pool, the kid in his swim suit, dad is dressed like he is going to sit at the side and watch. Dad is on his mobile phone. The camera is behind the two and we can only see from the kid's shoulders up.

KID
Dad, I want to get in

DAD
(Puts his hand over the microphone on the phone)
Well you'll have to wait a minute, your mum said you can't get in until she comes back

KID
But I want to get in now!

DAD
Be quiet, I'm on the phone and it's important. You're going to have to wait

KID
It's not fair! I want to get in! I want to get in! I want to get...

Dad shoves the kid to the right and carries on walking along the edge of the pool a bit more, obviously not paying much attention to the kid. Not a second after this, mum comes over in her swim suit carrying some armbands.

DAD
(into phone)
Sorry about that, now, where were we?

MUM
Where is he? He's hasn't got in has he? Because you know he can't swim without these

Dad looks a little nervous

DAD
Errrrmmmm (into phone and speaking loudly so mum can hear) What's that? Oh dear, that sounds like an emergency

Dad gestures at the phone like he has to talk and then turns around. Mum shakes her head and then notices something to her right.

MUM
Oh my god!

Mum goes over to the right and bends down so she is out of shot. Dad turns back round with his phone now away.

DAD
Now, the boy, I told him not to jump in but he just ignored me and...

Cut to the kid slouched up against a blood splattered wall unconscious, blood dripping down his face, with mum crouched next to him looking distraught and looking at dad.

Anyone? I'm quite unsure about this one so would really appreciate some feedback on it.

I think the funniness doesn't out weigh the nastiness.

The language maybe to plain and long, for the pay off.

I can see it in Silent Witness.

I can see it in The Shredder.

Thanks guys. I'll see if I can sort it out.

Sometimes it helps to say out loud what your joke is. Often when you do you'll realise quickly why it's not working. Here's your joke in its simplest form:

"Annoyed at his kid's pestering, a father accidentally slams his child's face into a swimming pool wall, knocking him unconscious. Mum is not impressed."

See what I mean?

I promise I'm not being prudish - I don't even like children. I think being inapropriate in front of kids can be really funny (hell, Will Ferrel has practically made a career out of it), but I'm talking about shouting at them or treating them like grown-ups, not elbowing them into a ceramic wall and leaving them bloody and pulped.

Listen, you can kill a kid outright if you like and I'll laugh - just so long as it's done in a funny fashion. For example, toe-punting a baby off the side of a bridge is funny. It's so over the top and removed from reality it works on a cartoon level.

A grown up smashing a kid's teeth out? Leave that to the drama writers, or better yet the horror ones.

Quote: David Bussell @ September 3 2008, 2:36 PM BST

Sometimes it helps to say out loud what your joke is. Often when you do you'll realise quickly why it's not working. Here's your joke in its simplest form:

"Annoyed at his kid's pestering, a father accidentally slams his child's face into a swimming pool wall, knocking him unconscious. Mum is not impressed."

See what I mean?

View original

I think the summary of the joke you put there is missing one key point:

"Annoyed at his kid's pestering, a father accidentally slams his child's face into a swimming pool wall when meaning to push him into the pool, knocking him unconscious. Mum is not impressed."

Did that not come across in the sketch? If not then I can understand why you found it pretty nasty. It is still pretty nasty though eh? Probably shouldn't have all the blood.

Either way, I was unsure of this one to start with so I think I'll just put it in the 'needs a rethink' pile and leave it for a bit.

I didn't get that, no. How would be possibly make that mistake though? It just doesn't seem possible. And anyway, why all the bother with the mum and the armbands in that case? You could trim her out completely and your 'joke' would still work. Just have him turn around mid phone conversation, see the kid and say "Let me ring you back."

Still wouldn't be funny though.

Well the whole thing sprang from an idea I had where the kid was annoying him to get in so he pushed him in the pool, mum arrives and says he can't swim without armbands and dad says something like "he'll figure it out, he's a bright kid". Then this idea came up and I decided to go with it. The mum thing was supposed to make you think he had pushed him in the pool and the kid was in trouble, then the surprise of him pushing him the wrong way into the wall comes in.

Thanks for the feedback anyway.

Actually, it does remind me of a show over here called "Double the Fist", which appears to revolve around extreme violence (e.g. using a 'granny' in a bathing costume to sledge down a gravel driveway). I don't like the program, but there must be an audience somewhere.

Quote: Tommy Power @ September 3 2008, 3:06 PM BST

Actually, it does remind me of a show over here called "Double the Fist", which appears to revolve around extreme violence (e.g. using a 'granny' in a bathing costume to sledge down a gravel driveway). I don't like the program, but there must be an audience somewhere.

View original

Yes, but sledding on a granny is so stupid as to be hilarious if done properly.

Smashing a kid's face in until he bleeds, while no doubt satisfying, just doesn't seem quite so funny.

Quote: David Bussell @ September 3 2008, 3:14 PM BST

Yes, but sledding on a granny is so stupid as to be hilarious if done properly.

View original

In this case... no.

Yeah, I didn't really find it funny either to be honest.

Sorry.

Dan

Quote: David Bussell @ September 3 2008, 2:36 PM BST

For example, toe-punting a baby off the side of a bridge is funny.

View original

I must try it.