British Comedy Guide

A section from a current script I'm working on...

First draft, please leave your thoughts:

SUPERMARKET SCENE

Tarquinn (a wealthy biscuit manufacturer) and Watson (his butler) stand in front of the wine and spirits

TARQUINN
I hate your face Watson

Watson bows his head despondently

TARQUINN
(Holding up a cheap bottle of wine) What sort of cheap tosh is this? Did you at least get the crisps?

Watson nods his head

TARQUINN
(Angry) Multi-pack? you no I don't like to pay by the bag…

A small blonde woman that is pristinely dressed in a smart business suit interrupts Tarquinn

LINDSEY
Tarquinn — is that you?

Tarquinn spots Lindsey and gives her a look of disgust

TARQUINN
Yes. Hi Lindsey

LINDSEY
It's so good to see you…why I haven't seen you at the country club for such a while — trying to cut back are we hmmm, trying to tighten the belt?

TARQUINN
Oh no… I haven't had the time lately, you know how it is, business calls and all that…

LINDSEY
Oh that's good, I thought you might have gone off the deep end…again, you know after the horrible, dismal failure of that last product you launched. What was it called again?

TARQUINN
Crack Cookies…

LINDSEY
(Laughing) Oh yes that's right I remember the strap line now -- Crack Cookies…so good you'll be addicted from the first bite…I still don't know they didn't catch on Tarquinn

TARQUINN
Yes well I mus--

LINDSEY
We at Confectory Co. were seriously considering a launching a rival product — but we thought we'd stick with the same products that have made us so insanely profitable

TARQUINN
Well to be honest I'm surprised your still in business — has anyone told you Lindsey that the phrase ‘eating into your profits' shouldn't be taken literally?

LINDSEY
(Forced laughter) Yes well success does lend itself to greed…speaking of the company; did you hear that I'm taking over from my father?

TARQUINN
Is he dead?

LINDSEY
Heavens no — he's retiring

TARQUINN
Shame

LINDSEY
Yes, he's still alive and kicking… and how are your parents Tarquinn…oops silly me — I forgot they are both dead. How foolish of me, I hope the police are not still trying to pin that on you — you have enough problems with that sexual harassment lawsuit from that foreign maid you fired. If you want my advice I'd stop hiring these immigrants, they can't be trusted

TARQUINN
Yes well you would know…tell me was it just the one maid you caught your husband with — or just one that day? I always get mixed up when I'm telling that story…

LINDSEY
(Forced laughter) Well marriage does have it's up and downs… do you still have no plans on getting wed yourself Tarquinn?

TARQUINN
Oh no…far too wrapped up in the business

LINDSEY
Well I really admire that… who cares about all the gay rumours hey? You just do what makes you happy… I probably wont have much time for myself either when I take over the business… gosh imagine all those late nights

TARQUINN
I imagine working nights will suit you — I always had that down as your calling. Because you're such a whore

Laughter from Lindsey and Tarquinn

LINDSEY
Well I must go(looks at Watsons basket) Oh its looks like your having a little party, you know you should pick up some of your biscuits for it…oops I forget they've been discontinued in this store due to poor sales -- I'm so sorry -- well never mind, they stock packs of mine over on aisle five… Byeee Tarquinn have a good day!

(Lindsey exits)

TARQUINN
Yes well… dammit and thunder! Watson were leaving!

End scene

I enjoyed the dialogue a lot, and it is funny, and the (albeit small) sense i get of the overall script is quite exciting.

I'm not sure 'crack biscuits' works though. Perhaps something disgusting would be funnier here rather than something that would have gotten him put into prison. Of course, I don't know what kind of universe this is, it may make perfect sense if I read more of it.

Anyway: nitpicking. Jolly good stuff.

Does it have to be a supermarket?

I like it - adults using childish insults is just my cup of tea.

Quote: Marc P @ September 1 2008, 8:38 PM BST

Does it have to be a supermarket?

I agree. It's difficult to say without knowing more of the story, but if Tarquinn is supposed to be down on his luck, perhaps it would be more pathetic for him to be in a dodgy newsagents or a scummy petrol station, where lindsey has just come in for some change for the parking meter or to pay for petrol?

I would also suggest giving Watson more to do, rather than just standing there. Perhaps an enraged Tarquinn could order him to attack Lindsey or something, leading to more ineffectual shrugging from Watson.

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