Welcome to the fourteenth edition of ‘Meet the Writers'. This week in the wet seat is Simon Balch, better known to the BCG as Nick Rivers, aka Planet Giraffe.
Hello, Simon, how are you toda…
…are you related to Darcy Bussell?
Just do your little plug and get back under the stoop or Lord help me, Simon, I will kick you so hard I'll make you pregnant.
I've been writing comedy for about three years. My credits include Viz, Loaded and various Channel 4 writing prizes. I also recently wrote/brainstormed for a new BBC3 sketch show. Plus I make stuff for the internet. LOL.
Lance Old Ladies? I absolutely refuse!
Tell us about your experience of working for the UK's most top drawer, top shelf rag.
I started out writing spoof news stories. After being refused a column in Private Eye (well if you don't ask) I sent a few chucklettes to Viz. They said no thanks but please send more. So I did. And eventually, perhaps bored of my constant pestering, they agreed to publish a short article. Having devoured Vibrating Bum Face Goats and Pathetic Sharks as a yoof, I was made up. I still have the cheque and article framed above my writing perch.
And then you took your wares to Loaded Magazine, perhaps with loaded magazine? By which I mean the kind that fit in a machine gun. It's a play on words – work with me here, Simon.
That actually came about through winning a Channel 4 Laughs competition. Don't tell me 'Camp Tramp and Quentin' isn't in your comic scrap book?
So the 4 Laughs win and your Loaded commission are actually one and the same? Way to pad out your writers CV, buddy. You got that BBC3 sketch show rolled up in there too, paddy Ashdown?
Ha ha. Obviously my second strip which, any minute now will receive the green light, merits the distinction! The BBC gig came through submitting some sketches to a brief and being invited in to attend a writer/producer meetings.
Are you related to Darcy Bussell by the way?
I am in no mood. Mention that name one more time and I'll eat the face off you.
Blimey - if only you were Darcy!
When can we expect to see this BBC sketch show disgrace our screens?
They're hoping to secure funding to film a pilot this September, so fingers crossed I'll get a couple of sketches on. The 'meeting' comprised of around twelve writers, two producers and a four hour 'brainstorm'. Interesting having to present sketches and ideas on the spot as I mostly sit around at home in my pants bashing out wordage until something tickles. When I say 'interesting', I really mean ‘different'.
You're not writing for Viz now, friend. Do you really think I'm going to allow a sentence containing ‘home in my pants', ‘bashing out' and ‘something tickles' go unremarked upon? Do I look stupid to you? Do you think these innuendoes just pass me by? Well, you're wrong. Try as you might to slip one in I will always blow you. Your cover I mean. Damn it!
Tell us some more about this brainstorming session, and be sure to make it unbelievably captivating.
We were split into pairs, given topics and twenty minutes to 'storm' the grey matter. Then we had to present our wit bits back to the group. I was so nervous about my weak material that my voice went really high which, ironically, made my weak material instantly amusing.
Are you saying you condone Joe Pasquale?
Isn't he more squeaky than high? I'd never condone a squeakster.
Truly this is a conversation for the ages.
But let's get back on track. What are your ambitions as a writer?
My ambition at the moment is to write and produce 'successful' internet content. Successful in the sense that it's not only funny but also pays. I love the experimental meritocracy that is the internet - an ability to render your internal landscape in whatever way you choose. You will interrupt me if I sound like a twat won't you?
*cough* twat.
Anyhoo, in and amongst all the coal populating cyberspace there is some real diamond content. The real players (at the moment) hail from over the pond: Waverley Films, Mediocre Films, Awkward Pictures and Film Cow spring to mind.
Oh, and I'd also like to write and create an animated show in the South Park/Simpsons mould.
You want the moon on a stick, you do.
I thought it would be nice to end on the single most unpleasant thing that's ever happened to you.
I remember getting the giggles at a very sombre funeral. Someone let off a Bronx cheer and that was that. I had to pretend they were tears of sadness - all the more inappropriate seeing as I barely knew the deceased. Well, it was unpleasant at the time…
Classic Balch.
Last week's ‘Meet the Writers' was with Joel Soetendorp.
