Just the last line I think could be shorter.
But I got 2 tonnes to make the lawn look nice.
The less you explain in the punchline the better the laugh. Working out what happens is where much of the laughs lie.
But that's a genuinely original sketch and good.
Quote: Marc P @ September 1 2008, 5:01 PM BSTJust perservere, everyone gets a lashing in their first critique post.
Sorry Finck I was just punning again.
For me the gag pay off is a little weak because nobody wants longer grass. Thicker and more lush and green certainly but not longer. There is a central conceit at the heart of your sketch that could work but needs punching up as they say over here.
A good one eyeliner at the end.
Quote: Marc P @ September 1 2008, 5:15 PM BSTFor me the gag pay off is a little weak because nobody wants longer grass. Thicker and more lush and green certainly but not longer. There is a central conceit at the heart of your sketch that could work but needs punching up as they say over here.
A good one eyeliner at the end.
Look, if you make them obvious enough even I get them.
Yeah, it has just occurred to me, too, that elongating grass wouldn't necessarily be considered as improving the lawn. I'll do a bit of research on mascara ad language and then rewrite it.
Thanks, Marc, Sooty!
Finck did a funny!
I'm with sootyj on the reduction of the punchline. I'm not with Marc on the one eyeliner gag.
Write more.
Thank you, Bandage! I'm working on the rewrite, but wanted to assess whether it's worth it first.
Quote: Marc P @ September 1 2008, 5:15 PM BSTA good one eyeliner at the end.
Nice pun, Cyril!
Quote: Finck @ September 1 2008, 4:47 PM BSTFair enough.
Hereby I declare Finck to be my real real name. Just so that Tommy can cope.
So now you can say: " I Finck, therefore I am"
Quote: David Bussell @ September 1 2008, 5:12 PM BSTwho am I to know what gets laughs in Germany.
Hmmm. Rather than the lawn, what about using long-lasting mascara (or lipstick) and a reference to the wedding night?
Something like;
Bride: I've just discovered this mascara isn't long-lasting.
Bridesmaid: So?
Bride: I bought 150 for the wedding night/whatever.
Or maybe super-strength stay hard hairspray (she has a limp down-do) and a reference to the wedding night/Herman's knob.
Sorry...I'm very tired.