The Humbleby's

The start of a radio sitcom. It's a 'all creatures great and small/Archers' tone about a vet (joanne is his wife). My dad just told me about 'It shouldn't happen to a vet' from the 70s (which i didn't know existed), which follows this exact premise.

Ah well!

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The Humbleby's
Episode 1: The Unfortunate Cow Incident

SCENE 1. HUMBLEBY FARM EXTERIOR

F/X: CAR PULLING UP, DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CROFT: Good morning, Mr Humbleby.

HUMBLEBY: Mornin' Jeff. I know it's short notice and all, but it is rather urgent.

CROFT: What seems to be the problem?

HUMBLEBY: My wedding ring's got lost somewhere up Bessie's arse.

CROFT: Ah, right. That is quite a predicament. Ok, take me to Bessie and I'll rummage around in there and try to find it.

F/XQUELCH NOISES, FOLLOWED BY COW MOOING

CROFT: There's a good girl. (BEAT) How come you had your hand in there?

HUMBLEBY: I was helping her through labour.

CROFT: Are you sure?

HUMBLEBY: Well I wasn't bobbing for apples, was I!

CROFT: It's just...there doesn't seem to be any signs of a pregnancy.

HUMBLEBY: What are you implying, croft – that I'm some kind of pervert?

CROFT: Hey, I just do my job and go home. No questions asked.

HUMBLEBY: Because there are no questions that need asking.

CROFT:Exactly.

HUMBLEBY: Right. Good.

SCENE 2. CROFT HOUSEHOLD

JOANNE:What were you up to last night?

CROFT:Humbleby called me out to – would you believe – remove his wedding ring from a cow's backside.

JOANNE:He's such an odd fellow.

CROFT:Yeah, I just wish he'd be more careful. We had to put Bessie down in the end.

TOMMYut her down where, daddy?

CROFT:You see, son, when daddy ‘puts down' an animal, he gently sends it off to heaven.

TOMMYo all animals go to heaven?

CROFT:Yes, of course they do. Well, except for that monkey at Knowsley Safari Park who half-inched my wing-mirror.

TOMMY:Where did he go?

CROFTmatter of factly) He's currently rotting in hell.

TOMMY:Will I go to heaven one day?

CROFTnly if you brush your teeth and get ready for school. Come on, chop-chop.

F/XOUND OF RUNNING UPSTAIRS

JOANNE:Jeffery! Can you not blackmail our child, please?

SCENE 3. LOCAL SHOP

MR SIMMONDS: Mornin' veterinary.

CROFT:Morning Mr Simmonds.

SIMMONDS: I heard you were round Humbleby's late last night.

CROFT:Word certainly travels fast in this town.

SIMMONDS: Rumour has it he's buggering his cows.

CROFT:Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

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Ah, the old 'tumbleweed' treatment!

To be honest, i think once i'd said 'bessie has a ring stuck up her arse' on the first page, the only way was down from there.

Well, I liked it. It had me laughing out loud. Nicely written (for me). And for me once you'd said 'bessie has a ring stuck up her arse' on the first page, the only way was up from there.

Nicely done.

Thanks! Have you got any ideas where i could take it from this point? I was thinking of having Humbleby's wife inviting the crofts round for a meal to thank them for the help, then Humbleby losing his temper and saying something like: 'You killed the only thing i've ever loved!'

There's nothing like a good bit of rural bestiality.

Yes, the bestiality angle is worth exploring further undoubtedly. The characters and style reminds me a lot of something I'm writing myself. Not that I'm writing about a vet or bestiality but the style is definitely similar. So I could easily make suggestions. But I find it goes where it goes. For example, I can see Humbleby possibly being part of a small clandestine group of like minded others involved in ritualistic cow 'roasting'... this could then be infiltrated by an outsider, and so it goes on..

good luck wiv it!

As of scene 2 it's ace the interaction with the son is very funny.

Scene 1 is competent but lacks origunality.

I'd go with a completely inappropriate animal to stick your hand up,

myabe it's a salmon farm, or an itinerant Rumanian lettuce picker?

Otherwise good stuff and funny.

I'd also have a line about the vet having the monkey killed.

Haha. I like the idea of it being a salmon farm, or something like that. Yeah, Croft could have had the monkey killed. I could put something in there about '..with great power, comes great responsibility.' A nice Spiderman quote.

I'd like to see what you've written, Frankie.