The Survivor

A NAVAL TRIBUNAL. THE CHAIRMAN AND TWO OTHER PANEL MEMBERS ARE SEATED BEHIND A DESK. THE UNIFORMS INDICATE THAT IT IS THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.

A RATHER CORPULENT OFFICER ENTERS.

CHAIRMAN
Please be seated. The purpose of this inquest is to establish the circumstances of the sinking of the Lucullus, and in particular the fate of her crew, of which you are the sole survivor.

THE OFFICER PICKS HIS TOOTH WITH A TOOTHPICK.

CHAIRMAN
I trust you are fully recovered from your ordeal?

OFFICER
Four months in an open boat takes its toll.

HE BURPS AND PATS HIS AMPLE STOMACH.

CHAIRMAN
Of course. We understand that most of the crew survived the wreck, but not the privations of the voyage in the lifeboat.

OFFICER
Dreadful it was. The sun beating down upon us. And no water.

CHAIRMAN
Or food?

THE OFFICER LOOKS WISTFUL.

2ND PANEL MEMBER
There have been stories of cannibalism.

THE OFFICER (COMING OUT OF HIS REVERIE)
We had no other choice.

HE LICKS HIS LIPS.

CHAIRMAN
To eat your comrades - It must have been an agonising decision.

OFFICER
It was. We debated it for hours - but in the end we went with kebabs. You don't want a casserole when it's hot.

2ND PANEL MEMBER
There is also the matter of the fate of Captain Philips.

3RD PANEL MEMBER
I knew him. A tough character.

OFFICER
I'll say! We had to marinate him for days.

CHAIRMAN
Yes, about that - Some eyebrows have been raised by your decision to go into print.

OFFICER
Oh come now! Surely it is not unusual for the survivor of an ordeal to publish a book?

CHAIRMAN
An account of their sufferings and hardships, yes. But a recipe book?!

OFFICER
I thought it might be helpful to others in the same situation.

2ND PANEL MEMBER
And the wine recommendations?

OFFICER
Well you wouldn't want a full-bodied merlot with cabin-boy!

CHAIRMAN (BEMUSED)
Quite. I see you have signed on for another voyage?

OFFICER
HMS Dreadnought.

3RD PANEL MEMBER
A fine vessel.

OFFICER
Yes. And a very plump crew.

END.

I thought some of it seemed a bit predictable - like the tough character gag and the cabin boy/merlot one.

The recipe book gag made me laugh out loud though and took me by surprise.

I agree with Winterlight that the cannibalism was predictable, but you added a lovely twist with the book part.

Cheers for the comments.

I have slightly rewritten the tough character gag, so that it is a little less telegraphed.

The recipe book gag was the initial hook for the sketch. When I am writing a sketch I cast around for a premise, then once I have the first gag I build from there.

With an open boat scenario there is really nowhere else to go but cannibalism, so I decided to try and make that work for me with the toothpicks and the burps. The audience are in on the joke from the outset, so the theory is that I can get laughs out of the exposition. The humour is supposed to lie in the officer's brazen attitude. Not sure whether or not any of this came off!

The exposition idea might work as the characterisation is really good and portrays what you wanted about the Officer, and the gags do all make sense.
Thought you might be able to remove perhaps a line to balance it, but you've linked it together well.

In short - I found it neat, and funny, with a stand-out gag.