1
MAN LOOKING BORED AT HOME GAZING OUT OF WINDOW.
VO
You there, are you bored?
MAN NODS GLUMLY.
VO
Wish you could be more evil?
MAN SMILES AND NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY
VO
Then it's time to try Sootyj's guide to evil.
MAN IS NOW IN AN INTERNET CAFE.
VO
First go to an internet cafeteria and check out the computers.
VO
Not that one
(REPEAT SEVERAL TIMES), TILL
VO
Yes that's the one, some silly so and so's left their MSN messenger on.
MAN LOOKS QUEROLOUS.
VO
No don't close it, we're trying to be evil old chap. Now go through his contacts sending hilarious, yet evil messages.
MAN STARTS TYPING.
VO
How about "I bummed your cat? or can I have a photograph of you to masturbate over?, or every ones favorite "We all hate you but we don't tell you, because we pity you, because your ugly"
SUDDENLY A VERY BIG GUY APPROACHES MAN FROM BEHIND AND PUTS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.
VO
Crikey should have checked if the user hadn't just popped to the loo. See you next week, when we'll be making your flatmate convinced he's schizophrenic,"
2
MAN LOOKING BORED AT TUBE STATION.
VO
You there,
MAN POINTS AT HIMSELF
VO
Yes you, let's do some evil.
MAN JUMPS UP AND DOWN EXITEDLY.
VO
Stop that it looks gay. Today we're going to be evil with tourists.
MAN IS TALKING TO SOME TOURISTS.
VO
Tell them to stop a tube you have to stick your arm out for the driver to see.
FOCUS ON MAN, HE IS SPLASHED WITH BLOOD AND STNADING OUTSIDE A ROUGH BORDERED UP PUB. THERE ARE MORE TOURISTS.
VO
I say that's a rough looking pub.
MAN NODS.
VO
Lets tell those tourists that the way to get a free pint of British Beer is to say "I'll blow you for a pint," if the barman doesn't seem to hear it shout it.
MAN GOES UPTO THE TOURISTS TALKS TO THEM.
SOUND OF VIOLENT ALTERCATION OOV.
MAN IS BACK IN TUBE STATION.
VO
Ooh look another tourist, let's dare him to touch the middle rail.
MAN GOES UP TO HIM, HIS COAT OPENS TO REVEAL A SUICIDE VEST.
VO
Oops ! Next week on Sootyj's guide to evil, how to convince your mum the cat ate the baby.
3
MAN IN LIBRARY LOOKING BORED.
VO
You there. Are you bored?
MAN GOES TO SPEAK.
VO
Shh we're in a library. Just the place for Sootyj's guide to being evil in a library.
A CHUBBY MAN IS SMILING AT A BOOK.
VO
See that jolly rotund fellow, he's certainly enjoying his book of knock knock jokes.
MAN NODS
VO
Quick he's gone to get another book. Put the pictures of Page 3 girls, Nazi warcrimes and car crash victims in it.
MAN PUTS PICTURES IN BOOK.
THE CHUBBY MAN RETURNS TAKES THE BOOK TO THE LIBRARY DESK, SMILES AND POINTS AT THINGS IN IT.
VO
The librarian doesn't seem very amused does she? She's calling the police!
MAN GOES TO THE CHILDREN'S LIBRARY.
VO
Off to the children's library? Have you got your pictures of vicious Spanish animal experiments on puppies and rabbits?
MAN NODS
VO
Well hurry up and place them carefully, in Spots big Adventure and Peter Rabbit.
MAN BACKS OUT OF CHILDREN'S LIBRARY A TRAMP IS WAVING A BROKEN BOTTLE AT HIM.
VO
Oh dear who'd a thought there'd be a tramp kipping in the children's library?
Join us next week for Sootyj's guide to being evil at the swimming pool, don't forget your car battery.
Toodle pip!
4
MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF TENTS HE'S DRESSED AS A SCOUT MASTER.
VO
Hello good to see you're ready for todays lesson. How to be an evil Arkala.
MAN JUMPS ABOUT EXITEDLY.
VO
I warned you about that before.
MAN STOPS
VO
Now is that the tent for the nervy kid who smells funny?
MAN NODS.
VO
Jolly good, now go widdle in his sleeping bag.
MAN GOES IN AND COMES BACK OUT AGAIN DOING UP FLIES.
VO
Have you got that photo that the homesick kids keeps of his mum? The one where she's in a bikini looking hot?
MAN HOLDS UP PHOTO AND STARES LUSTILY AT IT WHILST RUBBING HIS KNEE.
VO
Stop that! We've got evil to do, now go and put that up in the bathrooms, with the number for a sex line under it.
SUDDENLY 3 POLICE APPEAR WITH A BOY SCOUT, WHO POINTS AT THE MAN. 2 POLICE MEN DRAG HIM OFF THE OTHER POLICE MAN SMACKS HIM WITH A TRUNCHEON.
VO
Oops one of the little scamps called Child Line. I guess those scamps were prepared. Next week how to be evil in prison.
