first five pages of comedy film script

INT.OFFICE.DAY.

Charlie Thompson sits at his desk. People walk over to his desk and drop files into a tray marked ‘to be filed', exchanging good morning greetings as they pass. Charlie ignores them picks up the files and sorts them into alpha order.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
There are essentially only two types of office workers, the overtly unhappy and the covertly unhappy. The overtly unhappy worker will bitch and moan to everyone about how much they hate their work, how hard they are trying to find a new job and how much they will enjoy getting it up everyone when they finally leave. The worst thing this person will ever do is call their boss an asshole or punch out an annoying co worker. the covertly unhappy worker on the other hand looks like the perfect corporate drone, seemingly oblivious to the horror of their paper shuffling existence, offering up spectacularly stupid epithets like "well it's nearly Friday" or "it could be worse". The worst thing this person will ever do involves a shotgun and a national media circus. For a long period of time I have been very much overtly unhappy but lately….well put it this way, you see all those people milling around my desk? They should really start being very very nice to me because if they don't………

Charlie makes the shape of a gun with his hand. As he does this, his boss Gordon walks over and sits on Charlie's desk.

GORDON
Mornin' Charlie, Charles, Chas, Chico. You see the game last night?

CHARLIE
No

GORDON
That F**kin ref….

There is a short silence, Gordon looks at his watch

Anyway I don't know If you saw the email but there's gonna be a lot of overtime in the run up to Christmas, which means a lot more filing, now of course we can't actually budget overtime for filing but I spoke to Janine and she's arranged that if you can come in a half hour earlier everyday up to then we can give you Christmas eve off….

Charlie seems distracted rifling around in his drawer for something

Or at least a half day on Christmas Eve

Charlie is still rifling around in his drawer

or let you leave early that day… okey doke?

CHARLIE
Uh huh

GORDON
Okay super really appreciate that bud. Oh and whilst I'm here about your Christmas leave, we're going to have to cancel some of it, well most of it really with the overtime and the Christmas orders and everything…

CHARLIE (V.O)
Why don't you just die, if I could snap my fingers and you give you a coronary

Charlie snaps his fingers, nothing happens

CHARLIE (V.O)
I should have let your wife suck me off at last years Christmas party then at least you would have fired my ass, and I wouldn't be hear listening to you talk shite, Jesus are you still f**king talking?

GORDON
But I'm sure in the new year we can arrange to get you a couple of days off eh?

CHARLIE
Uh huh

Gordon walks off. Charlie gets on the ground and begins looking underneath the desk. On the floor he finds a bottle of pills. He opens the pills, swallows two then sits back on his seat. Everything becomes a little bit blurry.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Wish I'd found them before he started talking.

Gordon walks back over to Charlie's desk

CHARLIE (V.O)
Oh Jesus he's coming back what does want now?

GORDON
Oh by the way. Ali's off. Religious festival or whatever it is his people do
So you can do his filing?

CHARLIE
But

GORDON
But nothing Charlie we are a team, we achieve as a team or we fail as a team. Do you want us to fail? Do you want me to fail?

CHARLIE (V.O.)
To fail to continue breathing? That'd be super

CHARLIE
No Gordon

GORDON
Great

Gordon walks away

CHARLIE (V.O.)
I know what your thinking. Your thinking how can any human being be so spineless, so accepting of his crappy fate. I suppose I should tell you that It was never supposed to be like this. that I had dreams, an aspiration to higher purposes and that I have no idea what gradually broke my spirit and left me like this but that it might have started with this.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD. DAY

A group of young boys are playing football. One young boy who is exceptionally skilled beats four players before sending a shot into the back of the net. He runs off celebrating slides across the ground before smashing his leg into the post and screaming in pain.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
no that's not me

The boy runs off celebrating slides across the ground before smashing his leg into the post and screaming in pain
A short young boy with thick glasses is seen playing in goal. He picks the ball out of the net and kicks it up the field

CHARLIE (V.O)
That's me, hey stop laughing

Charlie's dad, Bob walks up behind the goals

BOB
Hey champ, how's it goin?

CHARLIE
Six nil

BOB
Better make space in the trophy cabinet eh?

CHARLIE
Six nil to them

BOB
Good thing we don't have a trophy cabinet then

As Charlie is talking to his dad the ball sails past him into the back of the net. The referee blows the final whistle. Charlie and his dad walk away.

BOB
Your not really very good at sports anyway son

CHARLIE (V.O.)
I should point out that my dad wasn't really like other dads, he was what you'd call an ultra realist.

BOB
So Charlie you're what 16 now?

CHARLIE
12

BOB
Mn hmm. I think it's time we had a talk then. You want an ice cream?

Charlie nods they walk over to a van and get an ice cream

CHARLIE (V.O.)
It's not the sex talk. He gave me that when I was 8 and he thought I was 12

BOB
One day soon son you'll grow up. Do your exams, go to university well college at least. Get a job, you won't like it, it won't pay well but you'll work hard, get a promotion begin to move up the corporate ladder. You'll find a girl, she will push you hard to make something better of yourself. At first this will be a good thing but after a while you will start to resent her for it. Regardless of this you will settle down with her not because you want to but because you feel you have to. You buy a house, get a huge mortgage, and start a family. You stop moving up the corporate ladder, you hate your job but realise you can't do any better. You will have a meaningless affair. You will grow apart from your wife but stay together for the kids

Charlie begins to cry

CHARLIE (V.O.)
See what I mean about the ultra realist thing. You should have been there for the tooth fairy and Santa Claus talks

BOB
Your wife will find out about the affair. She will start to see a therapist. The therapist will tell her she can do better. She will start to sleep with him. She will leave you whilst you are on a corporate team building weekend and take the kids with her. You will sell the house and rent a cheap flat but still not have enough money for alimony. The kids will blame you for the break up and their own dysfunctions. You will celebrate your 40th birthday in a travel inn with the cheapest escort you can find. You will drink so much cheap whisky the escort has to take you to the hospital to have your stomach pumped. You will finally have bottomed out and see life for the tragic charade it truly is.

Charlie is in floods of tears

Wait son, I'm getting to the point

Bob looks at his watch

Better get you back to your mums.

They walk to Bob's car. They get in and bob starts driving

You will realise that your life is over. You will risk everything for one last chance at happiness no matter the consequences.

They get to Charlie's mums house. Charlie gets out of the car and walks to the front door where Charlie's mum is waiting for him

CHARLIE'S MUM
Two f**king hours bob that's all you get you piece of shit, don't make me call the lawyer. And your f**king cheque better not bounce again this month

Charlie waves to his dad who gets in the car and drives off

CHARLIE (V.O.)
That was the last time I ever saw my dad. Two days later he disappeared with an escort and a hundred grand he embezzled from his company's pension fund.

Interesting read. Flowed and created a good sense of his world. The thing I noticed was that it wasn't that funny for a comedy script but by the looks of it it won't be an out and out comedy.

Good luck with it, good start.

Hi Monkey,

This is a most interesting read, and it has some great moments (especially Gordon); it's very dark. As Stuart noted, it's not out-and-out comedy.

That said, my feeling is the voiceovers will alienate an audience if they're *just* nasty.

For example: "I should have let your wife suck me off at last years Christmas party then at least you would have fired my ass, and I wouldn't be hear listening to you talk shite, Jesus are you still f**king talking?"

That's very spiteful, and I don't know if it really adds anything. Perhaps cut back on the voiceovers where facial expressions etc. can convey the same message. Yes, great in Peep Show - but mainly because Mark and Jeremy's thoughts are often outrageous and unexpected (and funny rather than irredeemably malicious). Assuming Charlie remains your protagonist, and assuming you want the audience to sympathise with his plight, you can't make his thoughts so offensive. His dislike for Gordon can be conveyed in subtler, funnier ways.

Also, try to find a general tone for the story - if it's going to be very dark, some of the lighthearted comic stuff might seem a bit awkward; if it's intended to be laugh-out-loud funny, this version is a little too bleak.

One final thing: *never* tell the audience not to laugh, because if they aren't - well, you get the idea. It only works for live acts, where audience interaction is possible.

Overall though, a fine start. Good luck with it, mate.

It's funny and neat and I like the contrast of the weediness with the VO.

But we only have one real character, and almost all the interesting dialogue tkaes place in VO.

Get Charley speaking and being pathetic not jsut mumbling.

And give him a coleague to bounce stuff off of.

I like the nastiness but all this VO makes him sound insane and not ina comedy way.

Thanks for the feedback. The reason that the voice over is nasty is becuase it's his subconsious trying to get his attention so you have this scene later on

INT.FILING ROOM. DAY

Charlie is seen filing. The are three other filing clerks in the room with him.

CHARLIE (V.O)
I moved up the corporate ladder from filing clerk to chief filing clerk in a team that consisted of me, Bill an alcoholic, Brian a former drug addict and Ali who has an IQ of 78. Along the way I also picked up an addiction to Prozac and vicodin, and an unhealthy on dependency to alcohol to get me through each day.

Charlie sits down between two filing cabinets next to Bill pops a pill, takes a swig from bill's flask and then hands it back to him.

CHARLIE (V.O)
I think it was a result all these things I also developed a voice in my head who is describing all of this to you and who annoys the shit out of me and says things that I can't possibly imagine saying to people and tells me to do things that will get me in a lot of f**king trouble. The voice is an asshole. No he's not

CHARLIE
Yes he is an asshole and it's becoming harder not to do what he tells me.

CHARLIE (V.O)
Throw all the files on the floor then urinate on them

Charlie looks like he is thinking about it, throws some files down, begins to unzip his fly then stops, zips back up and picks them back up

CHARLIE
See what I mean, he's a persuasive f**ker. Of course he maintains that he is doing this to help me, to save my life according to him. But how can I trust a word he says?

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Burn it, burn it all down

INT.FLAT.DAY

Charlie is sitting on his sofa, his girlfriend Charlotte is standing in front of him.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
This is my girlfriend Charlotte. She is exactly like dad said she would be. Like right now she is saying

CHARLOTTE
You know we're meeting James and Linda tonight? Yeah I know James is an asshole okay but he works for the royal bank and he has the power to hire his own staff, I mean Jesus you're f**king wasted where you are. You have so much potential, do you think they realise that, do you think they even care? I mean………….

As she continues to talk Charlie reaches into his pocket and takes out two pills and swallows them

CHARLOTTE
How many of those have you taken today?

CHARLIE
Eh four?

CHARLOTTE
You know how I feel about those things, I know what the doctor says

CHARLIE (V.O)
Technically these aren't actually prescribed, well at least not for me

CHARLOTTE
But every time you take one I feel like it's some kind of slight against me

Charlotte takes the dinner plates away. Charlie pops another two pills into his mouth. When she returns Charlie's vision has gone blurry and her voice is hard to make out. Charlie smiles. The words Charlie, Charlie can be heard. Focus Returns.

I like it a lot. It's got a nice Office Space meets Fights Club feel.
I'm definately intrigued to know what happens next, hopefully something high concept. Something involving submarines, maybe... or dinosaurs.