Gordon & Stacey

Edited again.

NESSA AND UNCLE BRYN FROM GAVIN & STACEY ARE TALKING.

NESSA
All right, Bryn?

UNCLE BRYN
Hello, Nessa, love. I am, as it happens. I have got a new friend. And here he is. Nessa ... meet Gordon.

GORDON BROWN WALKS ON. HE SPEAKS IN HIS USUAL STILTED SCOTTISH WAY.

BROWN
All right, Nessa, what's occurring?

NESSA
I’m all right, as it goes. Wait up! You’re that bloke off the news, aren’t you? What are you doing here?

BROWN
Well, that bastard Cameron has been using catchphrases from Gavin & Stacey to make himself look cool. So I thought if I joined the cast, I’d be popular too. (TERRIBLE WELSH ACCENT) Yakky dah. I love sheep and lava bread, me. But not Charlotte Church. She's become a proper minger.

NESSA
Gordon, It's not going to happen. And I’ll tell you for why. Not even we can make you electable. Have you tried Doctor Who? That's Welsh.

BROWN
(VOICE BACK TO NORMAL) Yes. He said he didn't have enough room in his TARDIS.

UNCLE BRYN
What about Torchwood?

BROWN
Yes. It didn’t work out. (RUBS BACKSIDE) You're my last hope.

NESSA
Gordon. I won't lie to you. You're a lost cause, but I feels bad for you. Fancy a sympathy shag?

BROWN
(TO AUDIENCE) Tidy.

ENDS

I think you've got Nessa & Bryns language mannerisms down, but I didn't really find it funny. Sorry Mr B.

I did several giggles.

It's good but it needs a little bit of a trim.

Lose the Glitter bit and trims Gordons explanation bit.

Also see if you can get the Torchwood bit into two short lines and maybe finish there.

The dialogue sounds great though.

Don't why any one would listen to me haven't had any feedback in the last 2 days.

Good title as well.

Quote: sootyj @ August 25 2008, 9:31 PM BST

Don't why any one would listen to me haven't had any feedback in the last 2 days.

View original

I was always told "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything".

I was always a,

"And the truth shall set you free"

Kinda guy.

Seriously, I only tend to read them if they're short(ish) or I if the title interests me. Plus, you do sooo many. Sorry, I'm sure they're great. *hopes they're not shit*

Now don't you feel more free?

Not really. *grabs tape measure, puts it around neck, minces around Inmanesque*
Maybe a little.

Oi, you two, get your own thread. This is about me. Me, dammit!

Thank you for your comments.

Tightened-up version installed. It still won't make Putters laugh, mind.

I like the 'Tidy' bit at the end.

Better but the Brown is both expositional and telegraphs the joke to much.

Better to have him do the Welsh bit, then say something like
"Worked for Cameron"

Also the bit at the end about the sympathy shag is needless balast in my view.

If you want my opinion, then have more confident that it's funny and the audience will get it.

And Griff Torchwood bumming maybe to obvious a joke for the rariefied intellectual world of BSG.

But frankly NR have used at least two of my
"ha ha GWB poos his pants gags"

Not sure you did not trim the dialogue a little to too much.

Some nice edits from Griff, but I actually rather liked the Torchwood gag.

'Tidy' is great.

As God is my witness, I'll nail this sketch. I'll make it the funniest sketch there ever was, dammit. You'll lose control over your bowels by the time I've finished.

So says Bandage.