Sketch comp 25-31.8.8

Thanks all and congrats to... OTTERFOX for winning! AGAIN!!! That's 10 points and excuse to get completely ferret-rectummed. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Chris Forshaw

Your new subject: WILDLIFE...

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 31 Aug.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

88 - Fred Peters
88 - Frankie JOINT WINNERS!
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
45 - Chris Forshaw
37 - Nigel Kelly
35 - Otterfox
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Timbo
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Waring
10 - Afinkawan
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks... I'm away for a bit so I'll post me own straight away:

FRIGHTFULLY FELINE

Three camp LIONS crouching down.

FIRST LION: Gosh it's fun being a lion in the zoo.

SECOND LION: Dashed right it is. Look at this. (camp growl and flourish)

THIRD LION: Oh stop it you fiend. You'll be the death of me.

FIRST LION: Oh please don't die. We love you so. Even if your mascara is a little too thin.

THIRD LION: (gasps)

A GIRL enters.

SECOND LION: Oh look here comes a visitor. Let's all do it…

The lions do the growl and flourish.

GIRL: Lovely… (to audience) That was of course Gay Pride.

REWILDING

COUNTRYFILE. MICHAELA STRACHAN IS INTERVIEWING A COUNTRY TYPE IN FLAT CAP AND BARBOUR JACKET, CARRYING A SHOTGUN.

MICHAELA

So what is ‘rewilding'?

COUNTRY TYPE

People don't realise, Michaela, but this land would once all have been covered in wildwood, roamed by wild boar, beaver, elk, even moose. Our aim is to reintroduce that lost fauna.

MICHAELA

But you are also reintroducing large predators, such as wolves, lynx and bears?

COUNTRY TYPE

As part of the ecosystem they play an essential role in controlling numbers.

MICHAELA

Does not natural predation involve an element of cruelty?

COUNTRY TYPE

Ha ha. Townspeople need to understand it is simply nature's way.

MICHAELA

Yes, but is the best place for this experiment really Romford?

CHAV (OOV)

Aaaagh!!!

COUNTRY TYPE

You have to start somewhere.

CHAV RUNS PAST, COVERED IN CLAW MARKS, PURSUED BY A BEAR.

MICHAELA

And if this is a success?

COUNTRY TYPE

Jurassic Croydon.

END.

INT. LION CAGE. DAY

A CARTOON LION (STEPHEN) SITS IN HIS CAGE, THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND A RAM (MALCOM) WALKS IN, THEY GREET EACH OTHER.

STEPHEN
Not sure the Zoo really has the hang of this 'open day' concept.

WITH THIS A LOAD OF SCREAMING TOURISTS RUN PAST PURSUED BY TIGERS AND ODDLY A SHARK.

MALCOM
You may have a point.

STEPHEN
Fancy a tourist? Some nice juicy ones over there.

MALCOM
I'm a herbivore.

STEPHEN
You and you religious beliefs. Do you mind?

MALCOM
Knock yourself out.

STEPHEN RUNS OFF

MALCOM BORED STARTS EATING STRAW FROM STEPHENS BED. HE SPITS IT OUT.

MALCOM
Not in your OWN bed stephen.

END

ALAN AND STEVE ARE IN A BIRD HIDEOUT, ON THE SIDE OF A RIVER. THEY ARE BOTH LOOKING OUT WITH BINOCULARS.

STEVE: Oh look. A Kingfisher.

ALAN: Where? (PAUSE) Oh yeah. I f**king love Kingfishers.

STEVE: And me. (PAUSE) Is that a Water Vole?

ALAN: I think so. I f**king love Water voles.

STEVE: They're ok. (PAUSE) Brilliant! Look an Otter.

ALAN: Wow. I love f**king Otters.

STEVE: I know. Great aren't they.

ALAN: No.

ALAN PULLS OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE AND SHOWS STEVE AN HOME MADE MOVIE. "PORN" MUSIC AND ANIMAL SQUEEKING IS HEARD. STEVE LOOKS DISGUSTED. ALAN GETS UP AND HANDS HIS BINOCULARS TO STEVE, AND UNZIPS HIS TROUSERS.

ALAN: Hold them a sec. This won't take long.

STEVE TURNS AND LEAVES.

ALAN: (O.O.V)(FROM PHONE) Ohhh. Slippery little bugger ain't you.

HOW NOT TO BE ATTACKED BY A WILD CAT.

EXT. DAY. PRESENTER NAMED TOM IS DRESSED IN WILDLIFE ATTIRE. HE WALKS TOWARDS CAMERA.

TOM: Hi. My name is Tom Williams and I…

VOICE OFF CAMERA: No its not!

TOM: What?

VOICE: Your name is Tom Wilkinson.

TOM: Oh yeah.

TAKE 2.

TOM: Hi. My name is Tom Wi-. (LOOKS OFF CAMERA) Who said something?

TAKE 3.

TOM: My name is Tom Willig, Tom Wi, Tom…

VOICE: Tom, just say your name!!

TAKE 4.

TOM: My name is Tom Willy. No!!

TAKE 5.

TOM: Hi, my name is Tom (BEAT) and I wasn't always this rugged man of nature you see before you.

TOM DROPS TO THE GROUND CLASPING HIS LEG.

TOM: Oooh! Ow! Oh no!

CREW CROWD AROUND HIM.

CREW: Tom, what is it? What happened?

TOM IS BEGINNING TO PASS OUT.

TOM: Nettle… a nettle. Go to…. A commercial..

CUT AND COME BACK TO TOM SHAKILY STANDING IN A FIELD.

TOM: Wild cat attacks are becoming more and more common. I'm going to share with you now my 4 rules, to avoid being attacked by a wild cat.

RULE 1: Hiking.

Never hike alone. Hike with kids. The cat will attack smaller prey.

CUT TO FATHER AND 2 KIDS HIKING. 1 OF THE KIDS DISAPPEARS INTO THE TALL GRASS. THE SAME HAPPENS THE 2ND KID.

FATHER LOOKS AROUND, WIPES HIS BROW IN RELIEF AND GIVES A THUMBS-UP TO THE CAMERA.

TOM: RULE 2: All fours.

Never turn and run on all fours like an animal.

CUT TO MAN WHO SEES A WILD CAT. HE ATTEMPTS TO RUN OFF ON ALL 4'S BUT TRIPS OVER HIMSELF.

TOM: Rule 3: Deer.

Never dress up as a deer when going hiking.

MAN APPEARS FROM BELOW CAMERA CHEWING GRASS WITH ANTLER SHAPED TWIGS STRAPPED TO THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD. HE SPOTS A WILD CAT, SCREAMS AND SPRINTS AWAY.

TOM: RULE 4: Insults.

Never call the cat insulting names. This will just enrage the animal. Your only hope in this situation is to pin the blame on somebody else.

CUT TO TOM WITH ANOTHER MAN CLOSE-BY.

TOM: (shouts at cat which is off camera) Hey wild cat! You piece of crap. You watered down, sabre-tooth tiger wannabe!

CAT APPROACHES.

TOM: Aaaagh (points at other man) It was him!

OTHER MAN IS JOLTED OUT OF SHOT

TOM TURNS TO CAMERA.

TOM: You see! So happy hiking everyone and make sure it's anyone but you…or um me…

END.

EXT. DAY. FIELD.

A FATHER IS TAKING HIS SON RABBIT HUNTING FOR THE FIRST TIME CLOSE TO THEIR HOME.

DAD: We'll lie down here and let them get close.

SON: These airgun sights are great dad, I've got a clear head shot.

DAD: No, no. Aim for the ass.

SON: The ass dad?

DAD: Yeah, aim for the ass.

SON: But that might not kill them.

DAD: Kill? Who said anything about killing them.

SON: Why should we aim for the ass then?

DAD: ‘Cos it'll stop the little bastards crapping in my garden.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

A woman walks down the hall to the front door where we can hear a cat meowing. She opens the door and the cat is sat on the mat looking up at the woman with a dead bird next to it.

WOMAN
(In that kind of patronising voice you use when you talk to your pets)
Awww, Mr Pusskins, you brought me a present! What am I supposed to do with a dead bird though?

The cat drops a receipt on the mat and walks off.

I am writing more song lyrics lately than sketches since I got my new bass. So:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zoo Bears Song (in praise of The Woods)

(original tune)

You can go for a shit when you want one,
you can go for a shit when you want one,
you can have two shits if you want one,
it's so much nicer,
shitting in the woods.

(segue to the tune of ‘The runaway train ran down the track..’)

The runaway chav panda had five babies before she was through,
the runaway chav panda had five babies before she was through,
the first was a fox and they lived on the dole,
the next three were weasels the fifth was a vole,
and it’s all true, true, true, true, true!

The runaway chav panda was force-fed on crack and she blew,
the runaway chav panda whore gorged on crack and she blew,
the runaway chav panda she upped and she died,
her pimp was cross and her punters sighed
as she turned blue, blue, blue, blue, blue!
Damn that bloody vicar!

SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC ACCOMPANIES IMAGES OF WILD ANIMALS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITATS. WILDERBEAST ROAM ACROSS THE VELDT; A SIBERIAN TIGER LEAPS FROM AN ICY LEDGE AND DISAPPEARS INTO WOODLAND. A NARRATOR'S VOICEOVER IS HEARD.

NARRATORV/O) Creatures…

A CONDOR SOARS HIGH UPON THERMALS ABOVE THE ANDES.

NARRATORV/O) Creatures are lovely, aren't they?

A LEOPARD SEAL SURGES THROUGH THE OCEAN. A GALAPAGOS TORTOISE TRAMPS OVER A ROCKY OUTCROP.

NARRATORV/O) Look at them there. Just marvellous. Take a look at this one:

A SALMON HURLS ITSELF FROM THE WATER IN A VAIN ATTEMPT TO CLIMB A WATERFALL.

NARRATORV/O) Beautiful, isn't it? Amazing. And yet stupid. It's never going to get up that waterfall. But it keeps on trying regardless. Waste of its own time; waste of our screen time.

THE SALMON CONTINUES TO STRUGGLE.

NARRATORV/O) Pillock.

CUT TO A PANDA CHEWING BAMBOO IN A CHINESE FOREST.

NARRATORV/O) And this bloke. Sits around all day eating bamboo? Can't get it up when there's punani about? What's going on there? I'll tell you what. Evolution has made a twat out of him.

THE PANDA CONTINUES TO MUNCH.

NARRATORV/O) Looks happy now, but he's going to die, and his species is going with him. Good riddance; the lazy sods.

A YOUNG MINKE WHALE LIES STRANDED ON A BEACH.

NARRATORV/O) But this takes the biscuit. What a complete f**kwit. An ocean-dwelling mammal, this one. She knows it, we know it; everybody's fully aware of the fact. Don't be sympathetic. Just be thankful that you can witness Darwinian Theory in action. Id est: nature's idiots can f**k off.

CUT TO A MODERN CITY CENTRE. PEOPLE MILL ABOUT ON BUSY STREETS; CHILDREN FEED PIGEONS IN A BROAD SQUARE.

NARRATORV/O) At last. Six billion years of mistakes, but finally mother nature came up with something half-decent. Experience the majesty; absorb the splendour. Evolution's panacea: pigeons.

CUT TO THE NARRATOR - A MAN DRESSED AS A PIGEON, MILLING ABOUT WITH A FLOCK OF THE BIRDS.

NARRATORTo camera) Keep your motley menagerie. We're the apex of creation.

FIN.

BEAR NECESSITIES

EXT NIGHT. A WOOD.

TWO BEARS STUMBLE ACROSS SOME DOGGERS BANG AT IT IN THE WOODS. THE BEARS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THE DOGGERS SCRAM.

FADE.

EXT DAY - A WOOD.
AGAIN, THE TWO BEARS DISCOVER A COUPLE IN FLAGRANTE ON A CAR BONNET. THE BEARS SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

FADE.

Come up on the bears reclining next to a log.

Bear 1:
I'm starving, shall we look for some food?

Bear 2:
Do humans shag in the woods?

CUT

FRED PETERS gets my vote.

Michael Monkhouse for me.

Great! I'm votin' CHRIS FORSHAW and keeping votin' open till midnight Thurs.

timbo

WAYNE LEWIS, you rude man!