ACT1 SCENE1
A MENACING TONY SOPRANO FIGURE (BOB)IS SITTING OPPOSITE A MOUSY LOOKING ACCOUNTANT(MARK) BOB HAS TWO MENACING HEAVIES STANDING BEHIND HIM. MARKS YOUNG SON SITS BESIDES HIM.
BOB
Mr Cohen let me tell you a little about my self. I work in waste management all kind of garbage passes through my company. Some like money I clean, clean it up very nice. Just last we got some cars we managed to recycle them didn't we Barry?
BARRY
Yes Boss, every thing except the log books and number plates. Terrible shame they were in such good nick.
BOB
See in waste management my real job is to sort the dross from the gold. That which can turn a profit. And that which needs to be buried in the cement of my new lap dancing club. A surprising amount of this waste is of the human variety.
SON STANDS UP WALKS TO THE AUDIENCE AND ADRESS'S THEM DIRECTLY.
SON
Right now you're probably thinking this is an exiting story about criminals, the big scary guy who sounds like a cut price Tony Soprano is going to be the star of our story. Well wait and see.
SON SITS BACK DOWN.
MARK
Mr Champion your not in waste disposal, I've looked into your accounts. And they say to me, the tax office and I would suspect eventually to the Metropolitan Police you are a career criminal. You have large sums of undeclared income flowing through your business's. If you don't go to prison, you will be broke.
BOB
Look you chiselling little Jew I'll.
MARK
Threaten me with violence? Why bother it's your accounts that do the talking, I'm merely listening. Al Capone the most feared gangster of all time brought down by bad accounts and tax dodging. What happened to your last accountant?
BOB
The little sod did a runner.
MARK
With out taking any money?
BOB
How did you know?
MARK
Bob your money is toxic. The shame is your recycling business is actually quite lucractive, as is the boxing club and the gardening centre. Mr Champion the extra income you don't need, where ever it comes from. Now before I help you I need to ask you one more question before I decide to help you. Mr Champion did you ever hurt anyone?
BOB
No it was always just recycling the cars, the jewellery, I don't want to goto prison what can I do can you save me?
MARK
First of all your favourite charity is going to get a rather large donation.
BOB AND HENCH MEN LEAVE STAGE MARK AND SON WALK OFF.
SON
But dad do you know if he'll keep his word,
MARK
Son, in this life there are 3 people no one can lie to. The lawyer, the accountant and his tailor.
SON TO AUDIENCE
Right then that's when I knew I wanted to be an accountant.
SCENE 2
IT'S POURLY LIT 5 FIGURES CROUCH ON THE FLOOR, ONE LOOKS HURT WE CAN'T TELL WHO IT IS.
A FIGURE STANDS WITH IT'S BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, WE CAN'T SEE WHO IT IS
DAVID(VO)
My names David, in life there's two things you can't avoid death and taxes, todays the day they came together.
FEMALE VOICE
I can't believe you shot him.
SCENE3
AN ACCOUNTS OFFICE KAREN IS SITTING TYPING, SUSAN BUSTLES IN.
SUSAN
Hi is this Mark Cohen and Son accountants?
KAREN
Mark Cohen is yes,
Accountants lair of my work
Welcome Susan you?
SUSAN
Yes are you ok, you're speaking strangely are you?
KAREN
Studyin Haiku
Night school practise
I must improve.
SUSAN
Oh how um fascinating, is Mark here yet?
MO BUSTLES IN.
MO
‘ello girls which one of you do I have to kiss to get a cup of tea around here?
SUSAN
You must be one of the other part timer, hi I'm Susan.
MO
Oh right wow your an accountant, erm hi I'm Mo, short for Mohammed, and that must make you the secretary can I.....
KAREN
Phone answer take notes.
Starbuckss not I make your own
Cheeky little pillock.
MO
Is she mental?
SUSAN
She's a poet, so you followed the ad in the Harrow Times as well?
MO
Yes looked like an interesting offer a lot of money for one days work.
SUSAN
So Mo is that short for Mohammed?
MO
Kinda, people seem to trust Muslim accountants more and I thought with my lovely tan I could pass for one, especially with my lovely tan. Oh and Mo, Mo ain't short for nothing
SUSAN
One question Mo?
MO
You want my digits, it's 077......
SUSAN
No I was wandereding if you'd ever spoke to a woman before,? It sounds like it's an exiting new experience for you.
MO
Nah I'm a player girl, I'm a gangster.
DAVID HAS ENTERED.
DAVID
I hope your not a gangster, it would be quite immoral of me to employ one. Are you a gangster?
MO
No I meant I'm a G, drives a GTI, shirts from Lyle and Scott.
SUSAN
Pants ironed by mum.
DAVID
Children, children let's play friendly; we're all here because we have a very interesting days work ahead of us. My name's David and this company is my little family. My dear old dad started a tradition each year the day before final audits, we do 3 individuals accounts who haven't done them yet.
SUSAN
Isn't that virtually impossible.
MO
And what kind of dick doesn't have their records that late?
DAVID
Susan, it's a challenge and it's why we only offer the work to new graduates. If you can do this you can account for anything, Mo please don't swear. How some one runs their financial affairs often tells how people run their lives.
MO
So when you see my accounts are full of dinners for two, and one night stays at Travel Lodges.
SUSAN
They'll be able to tell your a bulimic whose addicted to hotel porn and low grade continental breakfasts.
DAVID
How long have you two been married? Any way we're missing some one, where's Terry?
KAREN
I called Terry
Mobile rang and rang but no
Answer was there.
DAVID
Still doing the Haiku? Could be worse could be rap.
MO
Yo Tel, where the hell yo been, get out yo bed, or I call the Feds,
EMBARASSED SILENCE.
TERRY RUNS ON STAGE OUT OF BREATH.
TERRY
Sorry I'm late, had a late gig last night.
SUSAN
Doing what?
MO
You in a band bro?
TERRY
Nah I'm Merry Terry the comical accountant, did you here the one about the constipated accountant?
DAVID
He worked out with a pencil, thank you. It's the none Merry Terry we want today. You'll have to ask the others about the introduction. Now I'm about to give you three your envelopes with the details of 3 clients, who ever completes the accounts accurately and gets back here first wins.
TERRY
Is there a prize? Because I...
DAVID
Who knows, maybe maybe not?
DROPS ENVELOPES AND TABLE HE AND KATHERINE LEAVE.
A GIRL IN A HEAD SCARF WITH A SUPERMAN LUNCH BOX WALKS ON.
GIRL
Mohammed oh there you are, nanna said you forgot your packed lunch and she needs her car back, but it's ok you can borrow her Freedom pass. You'll just have to pretend to be a bit mental.
MO
Piss off Shaz you're embarrassing me.
GIRL DROPS THE LUNCH BOX AT MO's FEET.
GIRL
I'm not embarrassing you, he still has Banana Man bed sheets, now I'm embarrassing you, and I'm telling nana you swore.
MO
I'm going to behead your Bratz dolls and video it.
GIRL RUNS OFF TEARS.
TERRY
You're threatening hostages with beheading, what are you Osama bin audited?
SUSAN
I thought you said you just pretended to be a Muslim?
MO STORMS OFF AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
MO
Sharon is that your Nissan Micra? The pink one, with a back window full of stuffed toys and a sticker saying Sharon's magic car?
SUSAN
Could be, why are you asking?
MO
Some one's about to give you a ticket.
SUSAN
Thanks Mo you're alright.
SHE RUNS OUT.
MO
Right Tel what say you we have a look at these envelopes.
TERRY
Maybe have a bit of a swop.
THEY OPEN THE ENVELOPES SCENE 1.