A Trip to the Marriage Counsellor

All manner of reaction, interaction and dissatisfaction welcome. It may be offensive to some, btw. Tom.

* * *

INT. MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE. DAY.

MAN and WIFE seated on a couch before a marriage COUNSELLOR. WIFE is fighting back tears.

WIFE:Things used to be wonderful, but since the twins were born, it's not been easy. There's just never any time for "us".

COUNSELLOR nods sympathetically.

MAN:I'd started to think Mary had fallen out of love with me, and –

WIFEh, no, Ben –

MAN:I know, I know; but...

CONSELLOR:Intimacy became harder?

Awkward pause.

COUNSELLORlease; I'm trained to listen.

WIFE:We've just found it difficult to enjoy that side of things in the past couple of years. With our careers and our young family, we've not been able to revive our love life.

COUNSELLOR:I see this a great deal with couples, so I've had to work through it quite regularly. I can offer you some advice, if you wish.

MAN:Could you?

COUNSELLORNods) Of course. (Pause) I mean, different things work for different people, so I can't promise any easy solutions. But sometimes you need a little change to spice things up a bit more.

WIFE:Like a holiday?

COUNSELLOR:Well, maybe; I wasn't really thinking along those lines, so much. (Pause) Have either of you ever heard of ‘scatting'?

MAN:What, in jazz music? ‘Shooba-da-ba' –

COUNSELLOR:Ah, no, not jazz, no. (Pause) No, it's a sexual act where one partner defecates on the other during intercourse.

WIFEorry?

COUNSELLOR:Mary, Ben – believe me, the only way you'll get your relationship back on track is by using faeces.

MAN:Really?

COUNSELLOR:Absolutely.

WIFEeems a little edgy. How was it made up? Did someone get into bed, feel their bowels move, and think, "God, this is making me horny"?

COUNSELLOR:I'm not entirely sure; what I do know is that, if you want to find happiness, contentment and fulfilment in your marriage, you need to poo on each other.

WIFEh.

MAN:And it's not – degrading?

COUNSELLOR:Not at all! What you're doing here is making a value judgement without proper consideration. (Sighs, smiles; reaches over to his desk and retrieves a pamphlet) Here. "Scatting for Beginners". Look, it even comes with a sick bag and a free Prozac prescription to deal with the – possible – psychological after-effects.

COU NSELLOR hands the pamphlet to WIFE. WIFE and MAN stand, and are ushered towards the door by the COUNSELLOR. The COUNSELLOR holds them back a moment.

COUNSELLOReriously champ, when you see that pooey booty, you'll be harder than Rocky Balboa.

MAN nods sheepishly. COUNSELLOR winks and shuts the door. MAN and WIFE are left standing outside; they look at each other. A pause.

WIFE:Well, we're doing that tonight!

MANNods) Ninety dollars well spent, I thought.

FIN.

Seems good and a nice nasty idea, but the final part feels like it could be sharper.

Also a contrast between angry couple and blase therpaist, upto the point they cave could be funnier.

cheers sooty... I was trying to convey the sense that, even though people might be quite against a particular suggestion, they often go along with it because it has originated from a "specialist".

I originally wrote one with more friction but changed it because it made the ending seem a little out-of-sync.