It stinks don't spare it.
Funny Old Thing
Written by
[JOEL SOETENDORP]
FIRST DRAFT
19/09/2007
FADE IN:
(A DRAFTY CLASS ROOM)
Tutor
Greetings and welcome to the course, comedy it's a funny old thing. By the end of the next 6 weeks will you be "On the Buses," or on the bus home.
Let's introduce ourselves, my name is Pete, and you are ?
Pigeon
My name is Pigeon.
Frank
My name is Frank, Frank Lee Speaking, Frank by name frank by nature
Marko
I am Marko
Thomas
I am Thomas
Agnes
I'm Agnes, were all going to have a jolly good laugh.
Pete
Great, and what on earth is that there ?
FX
Camera pans to reveal TPC is dressed as a Dalek, he speaks through a Dalek voice changer.
TPC
I am a prop comic, I
Pete
Moving on, there's always the one, why are we all here?
Ok in at the deep end 60 second stand up a piece?
Marko
In my country Rumania, comedy was banned, only comic allowed was Pottock the clown, every one knew he was minister for state security in red nose, typical joke, what do you call a family with radio that picks up BBC world service, tell Pottock and get a free balloon
TUTOR
Thanks Marko
MARKO
then my father was caught listening to illegal knock knock joke, he was sent to detention, with out hearing punch line, he came out of detention, and all he could whisper was, who's there, who's
Pete
Erm thanks Marko, Thomas
Marko
Eventually I went to black market, and bought the punch line, I go home and saw my father, he says who's there, I say p, he says p-who, I say that is disgusting, he laughed once, and then he died.
Pete
Erm right, Thomas
Thomas
I'm an accountant, and people at work think I'm hilarious
Tutor
That's nice
Thomas
My boss said you're a joke, and so's your work.
Tutor
That's nice
Thomas (breaking up)
My wife says I make her laugh, so did my best friend
Tutor
Erm that's also nice
Thomas
I walked in on them in bed together
(Thomas breaks down in tears)
Tutor
Erm great, pigeon
Pigeon
Yes, what do you want me to say?
Tutor
Tell us a joke
(Thomas walks out never to be seen again)
Pigeon
I don't believe in jokes it's language to hurt others, mockery, a verbal fist, I'm believe in co-operative story telling …
Tutor
Sigh; well tell us about your week
Pigeon
Ok it's not very funny; I‘m a social worker
I was shocked to find out some of my clients, have recently lost visits, and phone calls from social workers, and had all their benefits cut off,
Families, friends abandoned them…eventually evicted from their homes why? Why because they were dead
Fx
Sound of laughing
Pigeon
What are you laughing at, it's not funny, would you like it if you suddenly woke up 6 feet under ground.
Fx
More laughter
Frank
Me next,
Just the other day I was getting my son Den a birthday present, I haven't seen him in two years since the missus left,
And the bird at Curries, says
" that'll be £100 for a GBA,"
"£100 I says, I've got a game boy in my pants, and it's free…"
"Yes sir she says, but your's only has a battery life of 2 minutes, it's only got 1 game, adventures in the land of readers wives, and unlike the Wifi equipped GBA, yours is strictly one player only, "
Pete
Ok in the next few weeks, we'll be covering why Jim Davidson humour, doesn't work.
Frank
That's political correctness gone mad, you're just spitting on the grave of Bernard Manning hero of the working man
Pigeon
The white male working man.
Agnes
Oh he was marvellous, and so delightfully naughty
Pigeon
Naughty, naughty, the man was a fascist thug, he was a verbal rapist.
Frank
Wasn't he a bit to fat for the real thing?
Pigeon
Oh now picking on the gastric ally challenged, you bully.
Agnes
Oh get a sense of humour, my Eddie likes him, and he's a magistrate, so he must be funny
Tutor
Ok that's enough of that; we don't usually get a good argument till the third week, when we cover Benny Hill hero, or sex pest…. Coffee break every one, back in 10, the canteens closed but the machine still works.
(Every one leaves, eventually Agnes, and Frank return with coffees)
Frank
You see comedy, it's my way of rebelling against the
Right on ways where I work, I mean I'm like Richard Little John, hero of the common man, what got you into it?
Agnes
Well my Eddie, was acting strange, disappearing off at strange hours, hiding things, Jocasata, and Alex had left for university, and that's when marriages sort of weaken, eyes wander.
(Frank holds her hand)
Frank
Was he having an affair?
(Agnes laughs)
Agnes
No he was…he was watching comedy videos, Bernard Manning, Roy Chubby Brown, he actually cried…he said after spending all day judging the little toe rags, he wanted to know why they were always so happy. Once he watched some of the videos, he was hooked; I think he'd have been less ashamed if it was an affair, I said I didn't mind. That's why I'm here I'm going to do a blue revue for his 50th birthday, won't that be a pip.
Frank
50, gosh you must be almost half his age.
Agnes
It's very sweet of you to say that, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.
Frank
Oh Erm that, I'm still Erm in a relationship…it's a comedy thing, persona like
Agnes
Really?
Frank
Yeh you see, well all the greats Dawson, Manning, half their act was racist, the other half is all my wife this, my mother in law that, I'm in a very happy stable relationship, Frank's not my real name it's Xander, my parents were art teachers, I suppose this is my rebellion.
Agnes
Why Frank?
Frank
Frank Lee Speaking is my stage name, you can always do stuff like to be frank, or there's nothing wrong with me I'm perfectly Frank. My life partner suggested it.
Agnes
Life partner?
(Pigeon walks in)
Pigeon
No fair trade, what kind of ethical policy does Klix have, well my 50p is going towards stamp, for a stern letter of complaint to their managing director, and the minister for education.
(Agnes and Frank are now laughing; Agnes has her arm around Frank)
Pigeon
What's so funny? This is why I hate jokes; it's not called a punch line for nothing.
(TPC enters next he is still dressed as a Dalek, he has a plastic cup attached to the plunger)
TPC
Extend straw extend straw.
(A straw extends from his head piece and after several unsuccessful attempts knocks the cup to the floor spilling its contents).
Pete
Are we all here, right every one done their bit, Agnes; I have a feeling this is gong to raise the level a little.
Agnes
Our Polish plumber is very efficient, he's been laying pipe in my back yard all week, and he's a gardener, he said he's take good care of my bush.
He has something long, and it's for me to get my mouth round…his surname
(Every one except Pigeon laughs politely, TPC's is an electronic "Dalek laugh")
TPC
Amusinate amusinate
Pete
Every one finished great; let's talk about how we did.
TPC
Alert, alert, I have not done my bit,
Pete
Fine keep it short
(TPC proceeds to sing a karaoke, version of Mr Boombastic, through his Dalek voice changer, the class is silent, the word Boombastic is substituted for Dalek. .Exterminate, there is a very bad karaoke backing track).
(Pete reaches behind TPC, and flicks a switch turning off the backing track).
TPC
Alert, karaoke disengaged, you will be exterminated
Pete
You see as we will see later in the course, stand up is about the audience, laughing because they like you. They love you, little kids asking good old, Uncle Pete the red coat for an autograph, Pete you're so funny you must be on television…….I used to be, sorry where was I how do you all feel that went?
Frank
Well I thought I was hilarious, but Pigeon, I'd give my right nut, to be as funny as you.
Pigeon
It wasn't meant to be funny; this must be how Joan of Arc felt,
Agnes
Except no one's setting fire to you.
Frank
And you're not French, I always thought Joan of Arc was a great stand up.
Pigeon
Why would you think that?
Frank
She caught fire in front of an audience.
IPC
She had a burning ambition, amusinate amusinate.
Agnes
Now stop being cruel, Joan of Arc had a big stake in women's rights….the one they burned her on.
Pete
Stop this at once, comedy isn't about bullying, it isn't about cruelty, it's about sharing fun, and laughter, sometimes it's about joking about minorities, or people with tragic illness's, but you're never laughing at them, you're laughing…you're laughing around them, and in their general vicinity they're part of the joke, because they are the joke…sort of…….it's not funny to be fired as a Butlin's redcoat, because parents think it's suspicious you're still doing it when your 40, that's bullying I know all about being bullied.
Marko
Mr Pete, this was a very fine lesson, I have learnt much, but I have one question unanswered, may I ask?
Pete
Sure Marko.
Marko
My dog has no nose how does it smell?
Whole class
Terrible
Marko,
No he smell fine I wash him every day, I adopt him from Chernobyl region where there was terrible accident, he was born with no nose, in fact no head at all, only small hole for breathing at back next to poop hole, he has suffered but I think he loves me, he always wags both of his tails when he see's me, so why is this funny?
Agnes
Erm how does he see you?
Marko
That is quite a mystery
Frank
Oi its 21.30, drinking times wasting…
Pete
Ok see you all next week, for sitcoms from "I love Lucy," to "I hate you Butler,"
