(edited)
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
YOUNG FATHER JOHN, SHOPS WITH HIS ONE YR OLD SON, JACK
JOHN LOOKS ALONG THE FOOD SHELVES. PICKS UP JAR OF BABY FOOD - READING BACK LABEL HE BENDS DOWN AND SNIFFS HIS SONS BACKSIDE
HE LOOKS UNSURE
SNIFFS AGAIN
LOOKS PUZZLED
JOHN:
I don’t remember changing your trousers
JOHN LOOKS UP AT BABYS HEAD AND NOTICES BROWN HAIR
IT’S NOT JACK
A WOMAN GLARES AT HIM
JOHN SCOOPS JACK UP AND SWIFTY EXITS
Nice but presentation could be clearer.
But it's a good quick skit they're often the hardest to write.
Also you could have less directions.
And careful you don't give the impression it can't be Jack because he's black.
Better clearer, I'd note his son is blond in the first bit, and make him grimace at a smell when reading the label.
Otherwise great.
Sootyj is absolutely right. In fact, you could save a bit of confusion like this:
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
YOUNG FATHER JOHN, SHOPS WITH HIS BLONDE ONE YEAR OLD, JACK.
JOHN SCANS THE SHELVES AND PICKS UP JAR OF BABY FOOD. HE CATCHES A WHIFF OF SOMETHING NASTY. BENDING DOWN, HE SNIFFS HIS SON'S BACKSIDE.
JOHN:
But I just changed you...
NOSE STILL AT HIS BACKSIDE, JOHN LOOKS UP AT THE BABY'S HEAD AND NOTICES BROWN HAIR.
IT'S NOT JACK.
A WOMAN GLARES AT HIM.
JOHN SCOOPS JACK UP AND SWIFTY EXITS.
Nice one thanks
n.b. I like your style, don't know if you'll ever get the chance, but these quick cheaky skits seem popular on many sketch shows.
You seem to have found a distinctive voice quite quickly.
Found this much clearer in David's rewrite, but to be honest I think this would only work in a sitcom where the Dad was an established character (and there it might need more of a set up).
maybe you're right, cheers