1
A RED INDIAN IS SITTING ON THE STAGE, ANOTHER RUNS ON.
RED1
Good news and bad news chief Running Beaver, the buffalo has returned to our lands.
RED2
That is great news, He who chokes chickens frequently, what is the bad news?
RED1
It's bloody annoying.
JADE GOODIE STAGGERS ON.
JADE
Allo are you Indians? I am Jade where's the alcopops? Is this East Angular.
2
2 INDIANS ARE ON THE STAGE.
INDIAN1
I can't believe they let that person into Indian Big Brother?
INDIAN2
Have they no standards?
JADE WALKS ON
JADE
Yeh well I'm ere deal wiv' it now fix my bloody dinner, and don't cook wive your hands neiver.
INDIAN1
We weren't talking about you.
JADE
Who then? Which cheeky get thinks they're more of an arse pain than me?
GENERAL MUSHARRIF WALKS ON CRYING
GENERAL
Why am I so hated, why am I so despised?
3
DAVID MILLIBAND IS TALKING INTO HIS PHONE.
DAVID
Gordon's so stupid doesn't he realise every time he sends me abroad with my killer brand of Millerband diplomacy. I get that bit closer to replacing him.
GORDON
Aah David you're back from Georgia, damn.
DAVID
Yes Gordon although the Russian's didn't like me weeing on the statue of Stalin like you suggested.
I thought they were going to shoot me.
GORDON
David I'd like you to visit Israel next. They're quite fashion conscious so I think you should wear this designer vest.
HANDS DAVID AN EXPLOSIVE VEST.
DAVID
I'll tell them I'm the bomb.
GORDON
That's the idea.
DAVID CAMERON IS TALKING TO HIS WIFE.
DAVID
Darling get packing we’re going on holiday.
WIFE
Oh super! Where Crete, Provence, Martha’s Vineyard?
DAVID
Not quite.
WIFE SNATCHES TICKETS OFF HIM.
WIFE
Basra, Afghanistan, Georgia, Arakis, David what kind of holiday is?
DAVID
Tor y blossom, the 2 things people like to see me do are; tell warring countries off, and snog ging you in colourful shorts on the beach. I thought I might combine the 2. Otherwise people might realise I’m a shiny faced chancer, ripping off old Thatcherite policies.
WIFE
Oh I see and dragging me off and the kids to 3 warzones, and a fictional desert planet full of worms is the best way to do it? Forget it.
WIFE STORMS OFF.
DAVID
Damns I need someone blond, sexy and stupid to snog for the cameras.
DIALS HIS PHONE.
DAVID
Hey Boris.
DAVID CAMERON AND DAVID MILLEBAND ARE KNEALING ON THE STAGE.
MILLEBAND
So this is it the 2 Davids about to be beheaded. How did both our trips go so wrong?
CAMERON
I was on holiday in Afghanistan in my colourful shorts, smiling at people with my shiny face. I got mistaken for a rent boy. Boris was negotiating for my release, ambitious little shit said he'd name a public toilet after me when he takes over as leader.
MILLEBAND
And Gordon slapped me on the back on my way to Georgia. Stuck a "Putin is Dobby and only invades republics with girls names," poster on my back. Oh no hear comes our executioner.
ON WALKS NICK CLEGG.
2DAVIDS TOGETHER
Nick Clegg so that's where you've been.
NICK
Yes the Liberal Democrats have joined forces with the only people who can help us win, Al Quaeda.
All hail Osama Bin Laden and proportional representation.
MILLEBAND
Idiot.
CAMERON
No one believes in proportional representation.
