The Date

DATE
by Kim Griffin
humourfirst@hotmail.co.uk

CLOSE UP SHOT OF MAN AND WOMAN SHARING A GLASS OF WINE.

WOMAN:
Thank you for bringing me here, it's...lovely.

MAN:
Beautiful isn't it? I've been coming here since I was a child. I love my nursery.

REVEALS THAT THEY ARE IN A CHILDREN'S NURSEY.

WOMAN:
So, what do you do for a living?

MAN:
Me? I won't tell you what I am, but I'll tell you what I'm not,haha! ..Employed.

WOMAN:
I see.

MAN:
See I figured, why spend hours wasting away in a job when I could be a free man, make my own choices, spend time here with the people I know and love.

CHILD ATTEMPTS TO TAKE ONE OF HIS TOYS, HE GRABS IT BACK,

Piss off!

WOMAN:
I'll admitt I never expected you to take me to a place like this.

MAN:
Well that's me all over, spontanuous! You just don't know what I'm going to do next. Hey Kathy?

WOMAN:
Yes?

HE FARTS.

MAN:
Haha, see! Spontanous! I'm crazy!

LIGHTS GO OFF

Naptime, damn, I'll be honest I never normally sleep with someone on a first date, but what the hell - climb in beautiful!

SHE CLIMBS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HIS CHILD-LIKE SLEEPINGBAG

WOMAN:
I'm not sure this is right.

MAN:
Shh Kathy, twinkle twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are...

FARTS AGAIN.

Haha, noooobody move.

Very good, think it needs a better punchline though. This:

"Beautiful isn't it? I've been coming here since I was a child."

Really made me laugh.

Clever, though I agree the punchline could be stronger.

Like it!

yup reading it over, I agree too.

I am getting so sick of liking something I write, reading it 20 mins later and going...what was I thinking?

But it's good...just tweek the punchline.

It just needs to finish on the right note. I've tried to think of something helpful without much luck - from cheap toilet jokes after the final fart to the child he told to piss off featuring in a punchline, to hearing a Joyce Grenfell-like voice saying: George...don't do that. MAN: Sorry mum.

Maybe go back a few lines and change the direction it takes?

LIGHTS GO OFF

Naptime, damn, I'll be honest I never normally sleep with someone on a first date.

SILENT DARKNESS FOR A FEW SECONDS. SOME RUSTLING. THEN SOME MORE RUSTLING.

MAN: (O.O.V. IN THE DARK) It's no use, I'm never going to get to sleep without a bed-time story.

hmmmm how about

"Uh-ho...tinkle time..is the toilet near enough? Nope It's not"

Or how about: 'What are you doing? You've made my willy cry."

Agree here Kim, there is more to be done with this premise, it requires a stronger punchline, I found it a good sketch, it just has more potential.