GORDON BROWN IS LEAFING THROUGH A REPORT. ENTER ED BALLS.
ED
Fantastic news, Gordon. A level passes are up to 97.2 per cent.
GORDON
Not good enough, Balls. What about the other 3.6 per cent?
ED
Ahem, 4.7. They still can't work out which way up to hold the pen. But next year we are going to let them use crayons, so that's sorted.
GORDON
So a 150 per cent pass rate then?
ED
Maybe even as many as five quarters. But there is still a problem. Northerners.
GORDON
People from Wales?
ED
No, not that far north. Newcastle. There are far fewer A grade A level passes in the north than in the south-east.
GORDON
Bright buggers them Cornish. That's where Shakespeare came from. And he invented Gravity.
ED
When Robin Hood shot that apple off his head.
GORDON
There must be something we can do to even out A level results across the whole of United Britain.
THEY SCRATCH THEIR HEADS.
ED
What's that you're reading?
GORDON
Oh, a report by some Tory think-tank.
ED
Any ideas worth pinching?
GORDON
They want everyone from the north to migrate... to the south-east...
THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER. THEN HIGH FIVE.
END.