Grade A for Maths

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

At the breakfast table, Mum & Dad are seated. On the table are 3 bowls and some spoons, plus a carton of milk and a packet of breakfast cereals. Also, there is an envelope. Emily, a teenager enters.

MUM
Come on darling, find out what you've got.

EMILY (sits down)
Oh, I'm so excited, I'd love an A for Maths. Or English!

She grabs the cereal packet, rips it open and pulls out a GCSE certificate.

EMILY (disappointed)
Oh! Grade C for history. How am I going to get to university now?

MUM
Never mind, dear, eat up your cereals and we'll get another packet next week.

DAD
Make sure you eat the 14 packets in the cupboard under the sink first.

Quote: Bad dog @ August 14 2008, 2:00 PM BST

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

At the breakfast table, Mum & Dad are seated. On the table are 3 bowls and some spoons, plus a carton of milk and a packet of breakfast cereals. Also, there is an envelope. Emily, a teenager enters.

MUM
Come on darling, find out what you've got.

EMILY (sits down)
Oh, I'm so excited, I'd love an A for Maths. Or English!

She grabs the cereal packet, rips it open and pulls out a GCSE certificate.

EMILY (disappointed)
Oh! Grade C for history. How am I going to get to university now?

MUM
Never mind, dear, eat up your cereals and we'll get another packet next week.

DAD
Make sure you eat the 14 packets in the cupboard under the sink first.

View original

Not bad. Could do with a bit of a trim though. And a little rejig to boost your surprise element. Something like this:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

MUM and DAD are sat at the breakfast table. An envelope lays there. EMILY, a teenager, enters.

MUM:
Come on darling, find out what you've got!

EMILY:
I'd love an A for Maths! And English!

She grabs the envelope, rips it open and pulls out a certificate.

EMILY:
Oh no! Grade Cs in both! How am I going to get to university now?

MUM:
Never mind, dear.

She tears the lid off a fresh cereal packet.

DAD:
Maybe you'll have better luck this time.

He tips the box upside down and another envelope falls out.

Nah, the first one was better.

Thanks David. So she's supplementing her proper A levels with one from the cereal packet? Hmm, not sure. I think it waters it down a bit.

Holding the reveal till the end work better in my opinion. But I like the idea.

I think what David means is if we find out it's from the cereal packet at the beginning, the joke's already made. Whereas if we see just the envelope and her disappointment, and THEN see the cereal packets the results are from, the reveal has more comic value.

Quote: Bad dog @ August 14 2008, 2:58 PM BST

Thanks David. So she's supplementing her proper A levels with one from the cereal packet? Hmm, not sure. I think it waters it down a bit.

View original

I thought that was your joke. What was the joke then?

Well, yes, the joke is that they are coming from the cereal packet, but bringing real ones from the envelope into it makes it a bit more elaborate than is needed. The envelope is a red herring - it could be anything, but doesn't have any exam results in it.

I may have an odd sense of humour, but I thought the last line, from Dad, was a kind of additional joke. But I know that some people like sketches to have one joke or punchline and end at that point.

Quote: Bad dog @ August 14 2008, 3:05 PM BST

Well, yes, the joke is that they are coming from the cereal packet, but bringing real ones from the envelope into it makes it a bit more elaborate than is needed. The envelope is a red herring - it could be anything, but doesn't have any exam results in it.

I may have an odd sense of humour, but I thought the last line, from Dad, was a kind of additional joke. But I know that some people like sketches to have one joke or punchline and end at that point.

View original

More elaborate? Aren't you being more elaborate with the red herring envelope?

And if your joke is that the girl is getting her GCSEs from a cereal packet, why put it halfway through the sketch? Adding that extra joke at the end makes it splutter to a close I say.

I think the envelope is ok because it leads people into thinking she's going to open it. But I agree about the extra stuff at the end - for a sketch you would end with her opening the cereals and making a comment. Maybe in a sitcom you'd carry on and have the extra stuff.

Quote: Bad dog @ August 14 2008, 3:22 PM BST

I think the envelope is ok because it leads people into thinking she's going to open it. But I agree about the extra stuff at the end - for a sketch you would end with her opening the cereals and making a comment. Maybe in a sitcom you'd carry on and have the extra stuff.

View original

Hey, do what you think is right - there's always a for and against.

And I think you're right in the way you differentiate between sketches and sitcom.

'On the table are 3 bowls and some spoons, plus a carton of milk and a packet of breakfast cereals.'

Good description. However - what colour are the bowls? How many spoons? Type of milk; UHT, semi-skimmed? Type of cereal - Coco Pops, Crunchy Nut or just plain old Corn Flakes?

Oh - I see that David Bussell in his edit has ripped out the all important description ('supplement'?) to just .... 'An envelope lays there.'

Come to think of it, that is a VAST improvement. Charge Bad Dog for the edit, David!

I think the stage directions are ok, actually. I don't think the presence of the cereal packet gives the joke away. The cereals are Weetabix, no sugary rubbish here!

I'm usually working on a longer script than just a short sketch, and it's easy to carry on in that fashion and add more side jokes, which detract from the point of the sketch. Hey, it's all about learning isn't it.

He's a hell of a way of putting it but I think Morrace is right about your stage directions.

They're too much. They're in a kitchen - there's a breakfast table - it's only natural to assume there will be spoons and bowls there. You only need mention what's important to the scene.

The fact that you mentioned the exact number of spoons then started talking about Maths made me think a counting joke was coming up. So in the end your level of detail proved counterproductive to the sketch.

I see what you are saying about the stuff in the kitchen. In truth, you don't need that level of detail, and if it were being staged this would be implied from it being at the breakfast table etc. Hmm.

It's interesting to see how people interpret things.

Well, if we're going into that level of detail, she's a student up in time for breakfast?