ANDREAS HAS ENTERED THE HALL, HE HAS A THICK SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT
ANDREAS
Ha when I was in the South African Security Police we had 40,000 volts, and guns.
PETER
Who are you?
ANDREAS
I am Andreas Van der Kamp formerly of unit 66, the De-Kaffer-nators. When I saw that a local civil defence force was being set up by a Mr Hitler I knew I had to come.
MOSES ENTERS THE HALL NOW HE IS A BLACK ZIMBABWEAN
MOSES
Is this the militia meeting. I was in ZanuPF and I believe I have much to offer in crushing crime/
ANDREAS
You terrorist!
MOSES
You war criminal!
WENDY
Looks like this could get interesting.
ON RADIO
Race riot about to break out at Peeking Sodsbury scout hut.
PAUL
Right every one shut up. No bloody race riots at my neighbourhood watch meeting ok!
MOSES
Sorry.
ANDREAS
Sorry, won't happen again.
PETER
Do you two know each other?
MOSES
We play bowls.
ANDREAS
He's very good for a .....
WENDY
Watch it, cancel the race riot. No just cancel it, I don't care if the alsation's going to be disappointed.
PAUL
Right it's 7 o'clock time for the meeting to start.
PETER
There's only 4 of us and a police woman.
WENDY
And one of you is a sex offender.
PETER
For the last time I am not a sex offender.
ANDREAS
Great I come to try and keep the streets safe, and the bloody place is rife with pervs, terrorists, and women.
MOSES
Did you just call me a terrorist, you, you Nazi.
ANDREAS
Did you just call me a Nazi?
MOSES
Yes.
ANDREAS
Thank you very much; you're alright for a terrorist.
PETER
Will you shut up, and lets finally get this meeting started.
EVERY ONE TAKES A SEAT PETER STANDS AT THE FRONT.
Welcome to the first meeting of Peeking Sodbury's new neighbourhood watch. We aim to support the police, give residents a sense of confidence, and short shrift to wife stealing gypos.
WENDY
Oi it's travellers if you don't mind. One more prejudiced remark from you and I'll arrest you.
PETER
Find thieving, wife stealing, travellers.
WENDY
That's better.
JAKE ENTERS THE HALL HE IS TATTOOED, SWARTHY, BUT ULTIMATELY CHARMING.
JAKE
Is this the neighbourhood watch meeting?
PETER
Welcome, i don't think I know you, and I know most every one in Peeking Sodsbury.
PAUL
He runs the shop, till Tesco's put up a Metro.
PETER
Shut up.
JAKE
Me and my clan moved here last week, we're gypsies we've been tarmacadaming that old abandoned field outside the village.
WENDY
You're not gypsies you're travellers. Just because you're gypsies doesn't give you the right to oppress yourself.
ANDREAS
That's my bloody small holding.
JAKE
I do appologise abandoned field full of crops. Don't worry we picked them for you, call it 50 squids.
MOSES
Ha! We in ZanuPF have much experience in occupying the fields of our oppressors.
JAKE
Funny you should say that we also cleared some wasteland filled with apple trees.
MOSES
My bloody orchard, if I still had my Kalashnikov.
PAUL
This is turning out quite fun.
JAKE
We're just simple travelling folk, who want to fit in and be part of the local community.
PETER
I think we'd better stop for tea.
THEY GET UP ANDREAS AND MOSES QUITE HAPPILY FIDDLE WITH THE KETTLE.
WENDY CHATS WITH PAUL
WENDY
So how did you end up being called Paul-Mary Hitler?
PAUL
Funny story our dad only liked 2 things in all the world. Nazism and Peter Paul, and Mary the folk trio. So he changed his surname to Hitler called Peter, Peter and when our mother died in child birth called me Paul-Mary. God bless the old man, he was crazier than a schizophrenic cat in a hall of mirrors.
WENDY
So is there a Mrs Hitler?
PAUL
Yes actually, little known fact Adolf married Eva Braun just before they committed suicide in the bunker.
WENDY
That's not what I mean silly and you know it. A girlfriend in the police could be quite arresting an idea for a man on the sex offenders register.
JANE COMES IN SHE IS PRETTY IN AN ERNESTLY SOCIALLY WORKERLY WAY PETER IS APPARENTLY QUITE SMITTEN.
WENDY TO PETER
Hi sorry I'm late, is it ok if I bring some friends later.
PETER
The more the merrier, are you new I'm sure I'd have noticed you earlier, I'm.....
PAUL TO GROUP
Ok lets get back on with this meeting. I want to be out of here by 21.00 I've got a Riki Gervais interview to swear at drunkenly in my underpants.
EVERY ONE TAKES A SEAT.
PETER
Now one of the threats to our little village, is the bloody government is foisting a children's home on us. It seems the big smoke is to full of toerags in their goodies, listening to their die pods and smoking their ginger. So their foisting them on us...
PAUL
Peter ushtpay puay, wonay.
PETER
What are you gibbering about. These kids don't even go to school, I know I read the Daily Mail, these kids...
HE LOOKS UP JANE IS SUPPORTING A CHILD IN A HOODY ON CRUTCHES(DARYL)
JANE
Ignore him Daryl,
TO PETER
Daryl here really wanted to join the police, we thought for his last few months he might be able to join your group. St Mountfords is a children's hospice.