EDIT 2
So I’m on the train the other day and it’s only half an hour later, and I’m thinking 20 quid for a ticket the toilets blocked, no seats. I think bloody hell Al Quaeda’s wasting it’s time with fundamentalists. Because I’m so pissed off with Rail Track I’d blow my self up and the rest of the train just to get even.
OOV SHANE RITCHIE
Oi no swearing mate.
PETER
Oh shit there goes my train of thought, what comes next oh God I’m sweating like Fern Britten’s minge on national TV.
Erm I’ll tell a joke, what’s a joke?
I’m shitting myself more than a fat family on You are what you eat.
I know! What’s got two hands and your face?
OOV SHANE RITCHIE
We don’t know do we audience.
AUDIENCE GO WE DON’T KNOW ETC.
PETER
This
PETER TURNS TO SIDE STAGE PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS.
OOV SHANE RITCHIE
You dirty swine.
BLACK OUT
VO
2 WEEKS LATER.
PAUL IS SETTING UP THE SET FOR A MEETING HE PUTS UP A POSTER FOR NEIGHBERHOOD WATCH, PUTS OUT A COUPLE PACKETS OF BISCUITS.
HE LOOKS IMPATIENTLY AT HIS WATCH.
PETER COMES ON HE’S SLACK AND DSINITERESTED.
PAUL
You’re late you know how important this meeting is to me.
PETER
Paul if you ran the bestest neighbour hood watch in the whole country, they’re not going to catch him.
PAUL
He took everything from me, I just want to stop it happening to anyone else, it’s my civic duty.
That man took everything from me my best garden gnome, £200, 12 cups of tea with 6 sugars.
PETER
And your wife. Swept off her feet by a hairy gypsy offering to tarmcadam your drive on the cheap, I could almost make a joke about that.
PAUL
If you still had a career as a standup.
PETER
I told one dodgy joke. I was at 4 minutes 45 and I panicked, I’m human.
PC WENDY WALKS ON.
WENDY
Are you Paul_Mary?
PAUL
Yes can I help you officer?
PETER
Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude but I’m running the Peeking Sodsbury neighbourhood watch, I’ve got the certificate and everythin/.
WENDY
Are yes Mr Peter-Lee we know each other. 300 separate complaints of wife theft, 200 of aggravated bigamy, and a request to round up all the gypsies in Kent in a concentration camp.
PETER
I was depressed and on medication when I made that phone call.
PAUL
And drunk, I could have used that in my standup.
PETER
But you cocked that up, or should I say cocked that out.
WENDY
. No it’s Mr Peter-Mary I’m here to see. I’m here to log you on the sex offenders register. It’s vital there’s a new children’s home, Mountford opening soon. Can’t have any kiddy fiddlers running loose
PETER
Why me?
WENDY
You sexually harassed 2.1 million day time TV viewers and Shane Ritchie. Mr Ritchie was so upset they had to write him out of East Enders.
PETER
It’s the shame that never ends.
WENDY
Yes and I’ll be attending the meeting on Sergeant’s order. Every one at the station is doing advance interrogation training at the local army base, I’m here with the pillock patrol. Make that the pillock paedo patrol.
PETER
I’m not a paedophile. Shane Ritchie is older than me.
PAUL
Oh come on Pete there were children watching that show.
PETER
Then they were bunking off school. They got what they deserved a face full of my cock.
WENDY
I’ll just make a note of that.
PAUL
Please don’t I’ll never get rid of him.
WENDY
Only joking bit of police humour. I’d even bought a bucket, and an ironing board for tonight.
PAUL
I doubt they’d be covering water boarding.
WENDY
Not yet. Any way the chief said I could demonstrate one of the new tazers, which of you fine lads fancies 20,000 volts?
SHE WAVES HER TAZER AROUND MENACINGLY.
PAUL
Him
PETER
Him
WENDY
Only kidding, crikey you two are boring, I thought you were supposed to be a comedian.
PAUL
Not anymore. Now he’s just a shop assistant.
ARTHUR AND MARTHUR COME ON SET, BOTH ARE VERY OLD.
MARTHUR
I say young man is this the neighbourhood watch meeting?
PETER
Yes, yes it is welcome and you are?
MARTHUR
I’m Marthur this is Arthur.
ARTHUR
Do we get to hang them?
MARTHUR
Shut up Arthur. I’m sorry Arthur watched Mussolini getting hung from a lamp post on the World at War, always gets him exited.
ARTHUR
I’m going to go home and play with my action men if we’re not going to hang any one.
MARTHUR
Shut up you silly old fool. Though hanging could be a good idea for our local MP. They’re opening one of these special schools for naughty kids down the road from us. It was in the Daily Mail. Young ruffians no doubt smoking Pitbulls.
ARTHUR
Can we hang the Pitbulls?
MARTHUR
I’ll make you watch MTV again.
ARTHUR
I’ll be good.
PETER
There’s only 4 of us and a police woman.
WENDY
And one of you is a sex offender.
PETER
For the last time I am not a sex offender.
WENDY
Shane Ritchie wouldn’t agree.
PETER
Will you shut up, and lets finally get this meeting started.
EVERY ONE TAKES A SEAT PETER STANDS AT THE FRONT.
Welcome to the first meeting of Peeking Sodbury’s new neighbourhood watch. We aim to support the police, give residents a sense of confidence, and short shrift to wife stealing gypos.
WENDY
Oi it’s travellers if you don’t mind. One more prejudiced remark from you and I’ll arrest you.
PETER
Find thieving, wife stealing, travellers.
WENDY
That’s better.
JAKE ENTERS THE HALL HE IS TATTOOED, SWARTHY, BUT ULTIMATELY CHARMING.
JAKE
Is this the neighbourhood watch meeting?
PETER
Welcome, i don’t think I know you, and I know most every one in Peeking Sodsbury.
PETER
He runs the shop, till Tesco’s put up a Metro.
PAUL
Shut up.
JAKE
Me and my clan moved here last week, we’re gypsies we’ve been tarmacadaming that old abandoned field outside the village.
WENDY
You’re not gypsies you’re travellers. Just because you’re gypsies doesn’t give you the right to oppress yourself.
MARTHUR
That’s our small holding.
JAKE
I do apologise abandoned field full of crops. Don’t worry we picked them for you, call it 50 squids.
PAUL
This is turning out quite fun.
JAKE
We’re just simple travelling folk, who want to fit in and be part of the local community.
PETER
I think we’d better stop for tea.
EVERY ONE MINGLES
WENDY CHATS WITH PETER
WENDY
So how did you end up being called Peter-Lee, and your brother Paul Mary?
PAUL
Funny story our dad only liked one thing in all the world. Folk music. So we’re Peter Paul and Mary or Peters and Lee. God bless the old man, he was crazier than a schizophrenic cat in a hall of mirrors.
WENDY
So is there a Mrs Peter Lee?
PAUL
Er no not at the moment.
WENDY
That’s very interesting, I may need to take your particulars down later.
JANE COMES IN SHE IS PRETTY IN AN ERNESTLY SOCIALLY WORKERLY WAY PAUL IS APPARENTLY QUITE SMITTEN.
WENDY TO PAUL
Hi sorry I’m late, is it ok if I bring some friends later.
PAUL
The more the merrier, are you new I’m sure I’d have noticed you earlier, I’m.....
PETER TO GROUP
Ok lets get back on with this meeting. I want to be out of here by 21.00 I’ve got a Riki Gervais interview to swear at drunkenly in my underpants.
EVERY ONE TAKES A SEAT.
PAUL
Now one of the threats to our little village, is the bloody government is foisting a children’s home on us. It seems the big smoke is to full of toerags in their goodies, listening to their die pods and smoking their ginger. So their foisting them on us...
PETER(MIMING FRANTICLY)
Paul ushtpay puay, wonay.
PETER
What are you gibbering about. These kids don’t even go to school, I know I read the Daily Mail, these kids...
HE LOOKS UP JANE IS SUPPORTING A CHILD IN A HOODY ON CRUTCHES(DARYL)
JANE
Ignore him Daryl,
TO PETER
Daryl here really wanted to join the police, we thought for his last few months he might be able to join your group. St Mountfords is a children’s hospice.
PAUL IS SETTING UP THE SET FOR A MEETING HE PUTS UP A POSTER FOR NEIGHBERHOOD WATCH, PUTS OUT A COUPLE PACKETS OF BISCUITS.
HE LOOKS IMPATIENTLY AT HIS WATCH.
PETER COMES ON HE'S SLACK AND DSINITERESTED.
PAUL
You're late you know how important this meeting is to me.
PETER
Paul if you ran the bestest neighbour hood watch in the whole country, they're not going to catch him.
PAUL
He took everything from me, I just want to stop it happening to anyone else, it's my civic duty.
PETER
You know bruv it's not your fault.
PAUL
That man took everything from me my best garden gnome, £200, 12 cups of tea with 6 sugars.
PETER
And your wife. Swept off her feet by a hairy gypsy offering to tarmcadam your drive on the cheap, I could almost make a joke about that.
PAUL
If you still had a career as a standup. Why did you do it?
PETER
As I keep telling you it was the punchline. What's got to hands and your face on it? My cock.
PAUL
Then you exposed your penis to Shane Ritchie and a couple of million unemployed Britains torpedoing a promising career in standup.
PETER
I was at 4 minutes 45 and I panicked, I'm human.
PC WENDY WALKS ON.
WENDY
Are you Paul_Mary?
PAUL
Yes can I help you officer?
PETER
Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude but I'm running the Peeking Sodsbury neighbourhood watch, I've got the certificate and everything/.
WENDY
Are yes Mr Peter Hitler we know each other. 300 separate complaints of kidnapping by an evil gypsy, 200 of aggravated bigamy, and a request to burn your wife alive if captured, and round up all the gypsies in Kent, and convert the old Butlins in to a concentration camp.
PETER
I was depressed and on medication when I made that phone call.
PAUL
And drunk, I could have used that in my standup.
PETER
But you cocked that up, or should I say cocked that out.
WENDY
Shut up you two or I'll arrest you for something. No Mr Peter-Mary I'm here to log you on the sex offenders register.
PAUL
What for?
WENDY
You sexually harassed 2.1 million day time TV viewers and Shane Ritchie.
PETER
It's the shame that never ends.
WENDY
Yes and I'll be attending the meeting. Every one at the station is doing advance interrogation training at the local army base, I'm here with the pillock patrol. Make that the pillock paedo patrol.
PAUL
I'm not a paedophile.
PAUL
Oh come on Pete there were children watching that show.
PAUL
Then were bunking school, they got what they deserved a face full of my cock.
WENDY
I'll just make a note of that.
PAUL
Please don't I'll never get rid of him.
WENDY
Only joking bit of police humour. I'd even bought a bucket, and an ironing board for tonight.
PAUL
I doubt they'd be covering water boarding.
WENDY
Not yet. Any way the chief said I could demonstrate one of the new tazers, which of you fine lads fancies 20,000 volts?
SHE WAVES HER TAZER AROUND MENACINGLY.
PAUL
Him
PETER
Him
ANDREAS HAS ENTERED THE HALL, HE HAS A THICK SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT
ANDREAS
Ha when I was in the South African Security Police we had 40,000 volts, and guns.
PETER
Who are you?
ANDREAS
I am Andreas Van der Kamp formerly of unit 66, the De-Kaffer-nators. When I saw that a local civil defence force was being set up by a Mr Hitler I knew I had to come.
MOSES ENTERS THE HALL NOW HE IS A BLACK ZIMBABWEAN
MOSES
Is this the militia meeting. I was in ZanuPF and I believe I have much to offer in crushing crime.
ANDREAS
You terrorist!
MOSES
You war criminal!
WENDY
Looks like this could get interesting.
ON RADIO
Race riot about to break out at Peeking Sodsbury scout hut.
PAUL
Right every one shut up. No bloody race riots at my neighbourhood watch meeting ok!
MOSES
Sorry.
ANDREAS
Sorry, won't happen again.
PETER
Do you two know each other?
MOSES
We play bowls.
ANDREAS
He's very good for a .....
WENDY
Watch it.