LIZ
Philip dearest, that dreadful Evening Standard has been saying you have cancer of prostrate. How could they possibly know?
PHIL
Buggered if I know dear...
PHIL SHIFTS AWKWARDLY
PHIL (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE)
... but if I had known the damned floozy was a reptile I would never have let her shove her hand up my arse.
Hooray! Timbo's broken the seal.
Good, but I wonder if you'd be better off using the word 'reporter' instead of 'reptile.'
Possibly, the Royals always refer to reporters as retiles, but the audience might not know that.
The term certainly has currency outside of Private Eye, but it may well have originated there. I had heard that the Royals used it, but that could be bollocks.
Thanks for the correction.
I've no doubt they use it, but even so (and declaring an interest) I had to read the sketch twice to understand it.
Excellent Timbo
Re: Reptile/Reporter
I have heard of the term, both used in Private Eye and I think Spitting Image in it's day as well. If it's going to raise more questions than smiles I'd leave it out.
Good stuff and snappy.
Although I would have said finger my anus, whilst she sucked me off.
Otherwise people might think she was pretending to be a Dr.
So are Philip quickies will due for a place!
Only sootyj could lower the tone in a discussion of a sketch about fisting.
Clarity is the heart of satire, brevity the heart of wit,
dear boy,
Here's another Prince Philip quickie.....
QUEEN AND PRINCE PHILIP ARE BOTH READING NEWSPAPERS.
QUEEN:
Damn newspapers. How come they're allowed to print so many lies? That latest story about you was absolute piffle.
PHILIP:
Yes, I agree. I only went to that clinic to sort out my clap.
QUEEN:
Yes, I know. Where they got that idea about you having prostate cancer, I do not know.
PHILIP:
Hey, look at this. This tabloid is even worse. Now they're claiming that you're pregnant. The Queen pregnant! What bloody trash!
QUEEN
(LOOKING AWKWARD)
Er... Philip… I think there’s something we need to discuss.
END.
Or another one:
QUEEN
But Philip, dearest, broccoli has been proven to reduce the risk of prostrate cancer.
PHILIP (WINCING)
That may be so darling, but it is dashed uncomfortable.