Funeral

A GROUP OF PEOPLE STAND AROUND A GRAVE, A VICAR IS TAKING A FUNERAL SERVICE.

ONE IS A PRISONER WITH 4 GUARDS, HE IS SHAVEN HEADED AND NASTY LOOKING.

VICAR

We are here today to bury, and pay homage to Verity Goodheart. Verity was one of our most enthusiastic campaigners, no matter how many doors were slammed in her face she'd move onto the next. Spreading the good news of Christs ressurection, even though it landed her in casualty 7 times. Even in hospital she'd spread his message of love and harsh judgement. Entering the Guniness Book of Records as the most frequently sedated woman in Kent.

Her trusting nature was to be her downfall. When one rainy evening she was finally invited into discuss his good works and why gay people goto hell.

How was she to know this was the home of notorious serial killer and canibal Peter "The Purple People Eater" Churchill?

We will now lower her mortal remains in the earth.

THE CRIMINAL DROPS HIS PANTS AND SQUATS OVER THE GRAVE, ONE GUARD HOLDS UP A BOG ROLL.

Not sure that I get this one at all, sorry.

I thought it was quite blunt.

She was eaten by a cannibal, he's going to poo her remains into a grave.

Ahh, probably just me being a bit dense this morning. I hadn't realised that the grave was empty at all, and was trying to work out what was funny about a prisoner shitting on the grave of someone that he has killed. Why purple people?

Rhymes with Peter, and partially rhymes with Churchill.

It's also an amusingly naff name, for a very evil man.

Oh. Simply served to confuse me, I'm afraid.

Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 9:57 AM BST

Rhymes with Peter, and partially rhymes with Churchill.

It's also an amusingly naff name, for a very evil man.

View original

I thought you just meant he was gay.

You could maintain the alliteration and use Pink instead of purple. i.e. the woman chose the wrong person to preach to about gay people going to hell.

Liked the first half especially the line "Entering the Guniness Book of Records as the most frequently [or perhaps heavily] sedated woman in Kent".

To be honest though, think you might want to rewrite the ending.

Pooing in the grave not a favourite?

Drat that was my starting point.

If he became constipated he would definitely become purple

Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2008, 10:54 AM BST

Pooing in the grave not a favourite?

Drat that was my starting point.

View original

It worked for me. Liked the twist.

Thanks.

I hope it works better as a visual skit!

Maybe a toilet-shaped coffin would remove the ambiguity of him possibly pooing on an existing body and add a visual? Or maybe that idea just stinks.

Interesting idea, maybe to complex.

Maybe some one he says

"She was a second rate preacher, but a first rate lunch"

Well, it's horrible and it needs some trimming but I can honestly say I've never seen it done before. The 'gays go to hell' bit only served to muddle the punchline I thought. I'd make the joke more direct. Something like this:

EXT. CEMETARY - DAY

A GROUP OF MOURNERS STAND AROUND AN OPEN GRAVE. A VICAR TAKES THE FUNERAL SERVICE.

ONE IS A SHAVEN-HEADED PRISONER SURROUNDED BY GUARDS.

VICAR:
We are here today to say goodbye to Verity Goodheart. Verity was one of our most enthusiastic campaigners. No matter how many doors were slammed in her face she'd always move on to the next. But her trusting nature was to be her downfall when, one tragic evening, she made the mistake of accepting an invitation into the home of a notorious serial killer and canibal.

THE VICAR GIVES THE PRISONER A DISAPPOINTED LOOK.

VICAR (CONT):
We will now lower her mortal remains in the earth.

A GUARD NODS AND THE PRISONER DROPS HIS PANTS AND SQUATS OVER THE GRAVE. ANOTHER GUARD HOLDS A TOILET ROLL AT THE READY.