GORDON BROWN AND ALISTAIR DARLING - NORTHERN ROCK LOSSES SKETCH
by Mikey J
INT. NUMBER 10. DAY.
GORDON BROWN IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, LOOKING AT A HOLIDAY BROCHURE. ALISTAIR DARLING ENTERS, HOLDING NORTHERN ROCK PAPERWORK.
DARLING:
Gordon. Gordon. I must speak with you.
BROWN:
What is it, Darling?
DARLING:
We've just been sent our latest bank statement from Northern Rock. We appear to be just a slight tad overdrawn.
BROWN:
Overdrawn? By how much, Darling?
DARLING:
Er… 585.4 million.
BROWN:
What? Oh, bugger. Bang goes spending the summer recess in the Caribbean. I'll have to make do with f**king Butlins at Bognor Regis now.
DARLING:
Actually, that's not all, Gordon.
BROWN:
Spit it out then, Sweetie.
DARLING:
It's the letter they sent out, informing us about being overdrawn. They've charged us £30 for the privilege.
BROWN:
(SHOCK) What? (THEN REALISING) Wait a minute. That's it. We'll get Northern Rock to send out the same £30 letter to every single person in the country. That'll sort out the Northern Rock debt problem… Sugarplum.
DARLING:
Surely, we can't charge the general public for our mistakes.
BROWN:
Why not. It's nationalised. The public own it, so it's perfectly fair that they should pay the bill… again… Honeybunch.
DARLING:
Oh, all right. Er… Gordon. Just one thing.
BROWN:
What is it… Babe?
DARLING:
Why do you keep addressing me with those affectionate references?
BROWN:
I thought you liked it. I thought it was unoriginal of me to keep calling you Darling, so I simply diversed a bit… Sexy Knickers.
DARLING:
But Gordon. Darling is my actual name.
BROWN:
Oh I see. Sorry. (A LONG AWKWARD, EMBARRESSED PAUSE) So, don't you want me to take you up the arse?
DARLING:
(BENDING OVER) Oh, thank goodness. I thought you'd never ask.
END.
