Song: While Our Childen Get Obese

Sorry, did another one.

TO THE TUNE OF WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS BY GEORGE HARRISON (THE BEATLES).

I look at them all, see the parents just sleeping
While their children get obese.
I look at their fat, podgy faces still eating
How could they get more obese?
I don’t know why, nobody told you, how to avoid fast food
I don’t know how, they can keep chewing
They’re always che-wing.

I look at the floor and I notice it’s cracking
Because the kids are obese
Some form of self con-trol must be lacking
Ever they get more obese
I don’t know how, you were diverted
Ended up in Tes-co
I don’t know how, you were alerted
To the half-price food row

I look at them all see the eating unceasing
That’s why your kids are obese
Look at them all …
Don’t you know they’re obese?

(Now, theres’ a ban so I can’t even tell you
That your kids are obese
So, when I see you I’ll shout in your face
“Your kids are very overweight”)

Oh, oh, oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah

Nice one. "While all our/their/your kids get obese" might flow better in the first verse.

It's very good, but seems to lack a stnad out gag.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ August 5 2008, 11:29 AM BST

Nice one. "While all our/their/your kids get obese" might flow better in the first verse.

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I think you're right

Quote: sootyj @ August 5 2008, 11:32 AM BST

It's very good, but seems to lack a stnad out gag.

View original

Yes, it feels a bit flat to me but I can't think of anything really. Any ideas? Also the song is quite slow and has instrumentals which makes quick-fire gags tricky

You keep switching between you and they almost at random. Is the song directed to the children or to the parents or to neither?

In a slow song killer gags are not necessarily so important, if it is done well the power of the message can be enough. The best parody song I ever heard was Spitting Image's take on I'll be Watching You, which did not have a gag in it.

Quote: Rob0 @ August 5 2008, 11:45 AM BST

Yes, it feels a bit flat to me but I can't think of anything really. Any ideas?

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Maybe you could at the end of the song lament that you're not allowed to call children obese anymore and then repeat the first verse replacing "obese" with "very overweight".

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/child_health/article4458852.ece

Quote: sootyj @ August 5 2008, 11:32 AM BST

It's very good, but seems to lack a stnad out gag.

View original

Although your parody is quite respectable, it doesn't quite make the target. Have a look at the lyrics to 'Eat It' by Weird Al Yankovic. http://www.metrolyrics.com/eat-it-lyrics-weird-al-yankovic.html

Quote: Finck @ August 5 2008, 12:17 PM BST

Maybe you could at the end of the song lament that you're not allowed to call children obese anymore and then repeat the first verse replacing "obese" with "very overweight".

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/child_health/article4458852.ece

View original

I like that, in fact reading about the ban on the word "obese" was the original inspiration for the song, though I couldn't make it fit in. But I think your final verse idea could solve that. Thanks a lot!

Ah, Weird Al Yankovic. Genius. I loved Pretty Fly (for a Rabbi) and Jurassic Park.

OK, I've updated it though still not that happy with it.

Quote: Rob0 @ August 5 2008, 1:35 PM BST

OK, I've updated it though still not that happy with it.

View original

I really like the song, but I can see what you mean.

Maybe this helps:

I meant that the joke could be in the fact that the ban ruins your song. Like "Not only are your children fat and you won't listen to the important message in my song, but now my lyrics sound shit, too, because you can't bear hearing the truth."
Therefore the "very overweight" must be in lines where only "obese" would fit with regard to the metre.

Like this:

I look at them all, see the parents just sleeping
While their children get (BEAT) very overweight.

Maybe while their chile rather than children?

I thought it was going to be to the song "While the children are asleep" although no-one else will know it.

Quote: Finck @ August 5 2008, 4:44 PM BST

I meant that the joke could be in the fact that the ban ruins your song. Like "Not only are your children fat and you won't listen to the important message in my song, but now my lyrics sound shit, too, because you can't bear hearing the truth."
Therefore the "very overweight" must be in lines where only "obese" would fit with regard to the metre.

Like this:

I look at them all, see the parents just sleeping
While their children get (BEAT) very overweight.

View original

I agree with how you perceive the joke, though I have a dilemma:
The joke probably has to be explained, which requires space that's not really available in the song without adding further verses.

I suppose a work-around could work in a song/sketch where, say, a group perform the song, a runner comes in with a memo showing the word "obese" is now banned. then:

CONDUCTOR: OK, let's run from the top again
PLAY CHANGED FIRST VERSE
Conductor throws score aside and storms out, possibly coming across someone fat and barging them out of the way.

Tbh, "while the children are asleep" would probably be better in that there are syllables available to construct a better song, however I suspect, like me, many people won't recognise it.