Clarkson & Ramsay Food and Fuel Price sketch

JEREMY CLARKSON AND GORDON RAMSAY IN CHIP SHOP (FOOD AND FUEL PRICES SKETCH)
by Mikey J

INT. FISH AND CHIP SHOP. DAY.

JERMEMY CLARKSON WALKS INTO A CHIP SHOP. GORDON RAMSAY IS BEHIND THE COUNTER.

CLARKSON:
Boy, I'm famished. Portion of chips please, mate.

RAMSAY:
F**k. Jeremy Clarkson.

CLARKSON:
(THEN RECOGNITION) Bloody hell! It's Gordon Ramsay! What the bloody hell are you doing working in a chip shop? Don't tell me. You're making another one of those awful cookery reality shows, trying to turn around someone's failing food business. Bit of a tired format, isn't it? (LOOKS SMUG) Unlike car review shows like Top Gear, which are still top notch, wholesome entertainment.

RAMSAY:
No. Because the cost of food has absolutely f**king soared, the f**king TV company can't afford to make any more f**king cookery programmes. F**ked me right up. That's why I'm now f**king working here.

CLARKSON:
Bloody hell. Same thing happened to me. I've been sacked too. The producers told me that, because the cost of fuel is so high, they can't afford to make any more motoring programmes. So, that's me out of a job.

RAMSAY:
F**king hell, sorry to hear that, mate. Fifth Gear was a great programme.

CLARKSON:
You c**t! I presented Top Gear! Fifth Gear indeed! Anyway, I was on the internet today and I found this.

CLARKSON GETS A PHOTO OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SHOWS IT TO RAMSAY. RAMSAY GRIMACES IN DISGUST.

RAMSAY:
Uggggh. F**king hell, mate.

CLARKSON:
Then, after that, I went to an employment website and got myself a job as a taxi driver. I was hoping they'd give me a Ferrari, but all I got was some sad old reasonably priced car.

RAMSAY:
Bummer. What's happened to your co-presenters?

CLARKSON:
I think James May is planning on f**king about all over the country again, getting pissed on wine. Oh, and Hammond has crashed another car. He's in hospital.

BOTH:
Again. (BOTH ROLLING EYES UPWARDS)

CLARKSON:
Hey, I took my taxi for a spin around the Top Gear track today.

RAMSAY:
Yeah? How fast did you do the lap?

CLARKSON:
I did great. I did it in… (PAUSE) one minute… (PAUSE) twenty… (PAUSE) …seconds. Yes! I'm at the top of the leader board, above Simon Cowell and J.K.

RAMSAY:
J.K. Rowling?

CLARKSON:
No, you arse! That twat from Jamiriqui.

RAMSAY:
You must be ecstatic, mate.

CLARKSON:
Well, I was. Trouble is, all that racing about caused a bit of whiplash.

RAMSAY:
Your neck looks fine to me.

CLARKSON:
No. Not me. The old lady who was in the back of the taxi at the time.

END.

It's a good skit but Jeremy doesn't sound like Jeremy, and it's to long.

It's a zippy skit based on 2 guys swopping punchlines and ending at a surprise punch (what I call a Zig Zag skit), But the long expositional speeches kill all the pace.

Nice enough idea, but rather flabbily executed. Too many lines that don't develop the sketch and are not particularly funny in themselves e.g. Fifth gear, the co-presenters, Jamiroqui. Didn't get the bit about the photo either - a news story I have missed (quite possible, I live under a rock most of the time.) And as Sootyj says, Jeremy does not sound enough like Jeremy.

Dialogue at the beginning should be broken up more - especially the three 'speeches' (AFTER RECOGNITION). It's like two stand ups talking to each other. Predictable punch as well.

Thanks for all the input.
Musch appreciated as usual.

Oh, and Timbo, you really have to watch Top Gear for some of the gags to work, especially the photo bit.
Every week on this series of Top Gear, Jeremy would say 2I went on the internet and I found this..."
Then a picture would appear on their monitor (next to the presenters) and the audience would react with amusement mixed with a little disgust... trouble is, the cameras would cut to a long shot, so you the viewer at home couldn't see what it was. Obviously it was some kind of comical porn shot or something really bad like a 60 stone nude woman.
He would then continue with... "and then I went to the Ferrari website and..." and continue on the subject of motoring.
It was a kind of running joke.