Terrible, I mean REALLY terrible, jokes Page 5

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Kentucky and order two beers. Barman says "Don't get many of you guys in here." Anyway, they start chatting. The twin on the left's called Jim, twin on the right's called Bob.

So the barman asks them about holidays. "Well, we go to England every year," says Bob (Bob does all the talking, Jim's a bit shy).

"Oh, England, I've always wanted to go there," says the barman, "Is it the history?"

- "Nope. Not interested in all that."

- "Is it the culture?"

- "Nope."

- "Well, is it the scenery?"

- "Nope, it's a shithole."

"Well, why do you go there?" asks the barman.

"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."

Man goes into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. Suddenly he hears a voice "that's a nice tie." He looks round, there's no-one there.

Then he hears another voice "I like your hair." Still no-one there.

He says to the barman, "I keep hearing voices."

"Yes," says the barman, "that'll be the complimentary peanuts in front of you."

Quote: Bad dog @ August 7 2008, 4:20 PM BST

Man goes into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. Suddenly he hears a voice "that's a nice tie." He looks round, there's no-one there.

Then he hears another voice "I like your hair." Still no-one there.

He says to the barman, "I keep hearing voices."

"Yes," says the barman, "that'll be the complimentary peanuts in front of you."

View original

That's one of my favourite jokes! Not terrible at all, honest...

I saw it in the newspaper when they were having a round up of jokes about pubs.

The inventor of ice cream died recently. His 'coffin' consisted of two six foot long wafers and his funeral was attended by hundreds and thousands.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 7 2008, 4:41 PM BST

The inventor of ice cream died recently. His 'coffin' consisted of two six foot long wafers and his funeral was attended by hundreds and thousands.

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How did he die? Did he top himself?

No, he was whipped.

Quote: Aaron @ August 7 2008, 8:48 PM BST

No, he was whipped.

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The hearse must have been an ice cream van, playing the funeral march in plink/plonk tones over the speaker.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article4479961.ece

Actually that's quite a good one.

Quote: Bad dog @ August 7 2008, 4:20 PM BST

Man goes into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. Suddenly he hears a voice "that's a nice tie." He looks round, there's no-one there.

Then he hears another voice "I like your hair." Still no-one there.

He says to the barman, "I keep hearing voices."

"Yes," says the barman, "that'll be the complimentary peanuts in front of you."

View original

Then a voice calls out

"Oi bumface"

Did you insult me? said the man to the barman

Nah that's the toilets they're out of order.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ August 7 2008, 3:51 PM BST

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Kentucky and order two beers.

So the barman asks them about holidays. "Well, we go to England every year," says Bob (Bob does all the talking, Jim's a bit shy).

"Well, why do you go there?" asks the barman.

"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."

View original

Two nuns in the bath. One says "Where's the soap?" and the other one said "Yes it does doesn't it!"

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 3 2008, 2:27 AM BST

Really terrible, ok then.

Whats the difference between Delia Smith and a rural jog?
Ones a pant in the country and...

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When I was young that was about Fanny Craddock.

"Will your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's?"

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 3 2008, 2:27 AM BST

A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to
fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all." The woman runs
off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened.
"Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks.
"Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is alright in my book."

View original

Was that Charley's husband?

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 7 2008, 4:41 PM BST

The inventor of ice cream died recently. His 'coffin' consisted of two six foot long wafers and his funeral was attended by hundreds and thousands.

View original

I'm ashamed to say I wrote that one. As for theories to his death, I think his brain froze.

Husband and wife getting changed to go out.

Wife: Brian, do you think my breasts are too small?

Brian: No they're fine dear.

Wife: No it's ok. You can say. They're too small aren't they.

Brian: Look, they seem fine to me, but if you're worried rub a piece of tissue paper between them.

Wife: Will that make them bigger?

Brian: Well put it this way, it worked for your arse.

Bad joke 2-the sequel

A man walks into a bar with a cat and a flamingo.

Man: I'd like a pimt of lager and two cokes please.

Cat: I'm not paying mind.

Man: Ok ok. And three packets of crisps please.

Cat: I'm not paying mind.

Man Ok! You don't have to.

Barman: I've got to ask?

Man: Well it's a long story, suffice to say I found a lamp, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and he say's due to the credit crunch I can only offer you one wish. So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.

That's a good'un, that is!