RADIO SPORTS REPORT
MAN: Good evening and welcome to the British peeing and pooing championships. It'll be interesting to see who makes a splash at this year's event held in a new state of the fart venue.
SFX: CROWD GO SILENT
MAN: Silence is golden, showers are unfortunately expected tonight at this outdoor arena. The theme this year is of course recycling just like every other bloody year. There are no flies on anyone who gets to this stage, frightfully big line up this year.
MAN: Our opening event is the men's freestyle urination and…
SFX: GASPS FROM THE CROWD
MAN: ..Something's up, something is indeed up and would you believe it but, well who'd have guessed it Howard Don has been disqualified. Every year he comes through the qualifiers like shit from a goose but perhaps he's suited to the pole vault better as excitement gets the better of him again.
The ref's in for a busy night as the two remaining competitors cross swords.
SFX: THE CROWD APPLAUDS
MAN: Oh that's clever, that's very clever. It's a balloon gush pump action special from Armitage Shanks and he's pissed, sorry passed, the 50m mark. Infact, he's pissed past the 60m mark too, marvellous. And he wins by a country mile as the cock eyed Cockney gets his trajectory all wrong, luckily the punters in the lower stand got their brollys up in time.
SFX: CROWD CHANTING
MAN: (joining in with crowd) Take a load off Annie, take a load for free, take a load off Annie, and, and, put the load back on me.
VOICE: Your bleedin' mike is still on.
MAN: Shit. And welcome back listeners. It's the ladies turn now as the toilets are wheeled in much to the delight of the male section of the crowd. Annie Fanny, reigning European Champion has been drawn first as we slide effortlessly from liquids to solids. She's been down in the dumps lately after coming number two's at the world finals but give her the slightest whiff of victory and she'll punish you.
SFX: THE CROWD APPLAUDS
MAN: A sublime start from Annie as she gyrates her hips over the seat much like an ice cream man would if he was taking a crap. Artistically, its perfect so far. Here we go, the stopwatch has started and it's very, very fast at 1.2 seconds but hold on, there's a late ball that brings it to 1.7 seconds. Its her relaxed sphincter muscle that let her down at last year's Olympics again.
MAN: Filthy Phyllis walks on, a real rank outsider, some would say, extremely rank. But through a combination of shits and starts she has become the new pretender to Annie's throne.
VOICE: You haven't used ‘swim with the faeces' yet.
MAN: Ok mate, give me time. Filthy Phyllis squats on the seat. No showboating from her, its straight down to business. The clock is yet to start and the crowd are beginning to get impatient but the rulebook states that the time doesn't start until the rectum opens.
SFX: CROWD BOOING.
MAN: Phyliss has stood up and she's walking over to the ref. Surely she isn't plugged. We haven't had a plugging here in twenty years. Phyllis is gesturing towards Annie and there appears to be a war of turds developing between them. This is just what we didn't need. Toilet trained athletes they may be but unfortunately they can be as volatile as me and you.
VOICE: You and me, lots and lots for us to do.
MAN: Shut yer cakehole. People tuned in for sport, not 70's kids theme tunes. And the referee is making a statement. High drama at the women's pooing finals.
REF VOICE: There has been an opened packet of tablets found in Annie's sports bag. It is Imodium and she has been disqualified forthwith. Filthy Phyllis is the winner.
MAN: (downbeat) The spectre of drugs has visited us now, but touch cloth, it will be the first and only time. I can see the bad publicity that this will generate us, the tabloid headlines. 'Drugs plug Filthy Phyllis, Annie Fanny out.' Thank you for listening, and good shite.
VOICE: Night not shite! You're shite on the brain.
ENDS.
Stylish bump, and I'm glad you did. I really enjoyed this. 