SKETCH COMP 31.7-6.8.08

Thanks all and congrats to... CHRIS FORSHAW for winning! That's 10 points and excuse to get handsomely moose-anussed. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Chris Forshaw
1 - 5 - afinkawa
1 - 5 - Fred Peters

Your new subject: THE FAMILY, chosen by Timbo.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6 Aug.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

88 - Fred Peters NEW WINER!!!
87 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
37 - Nigel Kelly
35 - Chris Forshaw
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Timbo
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Otterfox
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Waring
10 - Afinkawan
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twix, so PM me. Thanks

BLAST! Fred's knocked me off me perch! I knew I shouldn't have voted for him!!! But it was so funny!!!

Anyway, I've got Charley and Jude directly under me now...

The above is not my entry by the way. This is my entry:

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EXT. PANNING SHOT OF A SUPERSTORE PARK. ‘IKEA’, ‘PC WORLD’, ‘CURRYS’, ‘TOYS-R-US’ & ‘FUNERAL MAGIC’.

INT. ‘FUNERAL MAGIC’. THERE ARE VARIOUS SIGNS WITH SPECIAL OFFERS INCLUDING A BIG DISPLAY ‘FOR THOSE SPECIAL TEENAGE CREMATIONS’. A FAMILY ARE WALKING AROUND THE STORE.

SHOP ASSISTANT:
Good morning, madam.. I can see by your happy face you’re celebrating a funeral.

WOMAN:
That’s right, I guess it shows, eh?

SHOP ASSISTANT:
Was it someone special?

WOMAN:
No, just my Mother.. but what the heck, we thought we’d push the boat out anyway… anything for a party! (LAUGHS)

WOMAN TURNS AND NUDGES HER GRINNING HUSBAND.

WOMAN:
That’s right, isn’t in Horace?

MAN:
That’s right, my sweet!

TEENAGER: (POINTING AT THE TEENAGE CREMATIONS DISPLAY)
Mom, I want to die NOW and have one of dem …hey, it’s on ‘Special’ ma…

WOMAN:
Want, want, want …that’s all I ever hear from you kids, selfish little git... your dad’s next, it’s his turn.. (TURNS TO HUSBAND) Ain’t it Horace?

MAN:
We-e-ll, I WAS hoping dear…

SHOP ASSISTANT:
Have you ever considered a 'Disaster Family Funeral', you know, where you all go out in a blaze of glory… car crash, house fire… that kind of thing?

WOMAN:
Oh, but isn’t that just a dream… we couldn’t, could we Horace…

MAN:
Darn it, that’s ruined my surprise, and I was trying to keep it under wraps…

MAN SMILES AND TURNS POINTING TO A SIGN.

‘FUNERAL MAGIC & DISNEY PROUDLY PRESENT: THE FLORIDA HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME TWO-WEEK DEATH TRAP SPECIAL – “THE RIDE OF DEATH THAT REALLY DELIVERS" - ALL THE FAMILY WIPED OUT! GUARANTEED!' TEENAGE SON LEAPS UP AND DOWN, ECSTATIC.

WOMAN (ADORINGLY):
Oh, Horace...

END

'Twas very big of you, Monsieur Le Rage! My entry is coming up your end soon.

KID: Mum, I think our family is having a feud with the Smiths next door.

MUM: Why on earth would you think that?

KID: I heard Mrs. Smith say to dad that she loved his family duels.

More cringey comedy than anything. Though it actually happened at a family gathering recently.
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INT. FAMILY GATHERING FOR AUNT'S SURPRISE 60TH BIRTHDAY. HER FAMILY HAVE INVITED PEOPLE FROM HER ADDRESS BOOK.
MEET-AND-GREET IN THE HALL AS GUESTS COME THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

PEOPLE CURRENTLY TALKING TO AUNT MOVE ON TO JOIN THE REST OF THE GATHERING.
UP WALK ANOTHER COUPLE, BEAMING EXPECTANTLY.

SON:
…And do you know who this is?

WOMAN:
Hi Betty.

PAUSE. BLANK LOOK FROM AUNT.

WOMAN:
Er…Don't you remember me Betty? We used to work together…

LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

AUNT:
...Shirley?

CONFUSED LOOK BETWEEN WOMAN AND BETTY'S SON

WOMAN:
No, my sister's called Shirley…But you've never met her.

SON:
Come on Betty, think again, you must know this…

ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

WOMAN (EMBARRASSED, IMPLORINGLY):
Betty, It's me, Mavis

AUNT (RECOGNITION SLOWLY DAWNS):
Mavis!! (TO ONLOOKERS) We used to work together!
Oh, I didn't recognise you there...

RELIEVED SMILES ALL ROUND

AUNT:
...Haven't you put on weight!

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Grandad Jim, an oldish man, is showing in a family. There is mum, dad, grandaughter Sally (aged about 10) and grandson Matthew(aged about 16). They all sit down on the chairs and sofas spread out around the room.

DAD
Is mum not in?

GRANDAD
Oh, she's just getting out of the bath

MUM
How's her head been lately?

GRANDAD
To be honest I think she's getting better. She doesn't seem to be getting names mixed up as often, she's remembering stuff a bit better, so yeah, on her way back to her old self we hope

MUM
Ah well that's good to hear

SALLY
How did it happen in the first place?

The family chuckle a bit.

DAD
It's just part of getting old

GRANDMA
(From up the stairs)
Matthew, could you come up here

DAD
Go and see what she wants. Probably some money in it for you

Matthew gets up and walks into the hall and up the stairs. After a moment we hear screams of both Matthew and Grandma. Matthew comes running down the stairs. The family and Grandad all run into the hall. Cut to the bottom of the stairs. Matthew is stood on the bottom step, wide eyed like he has seen a ghost and absolutely stunned. Grandma appears at the top of the stairs with a dressing gown loosely wrapped around her and we can tell she is only wearing under-wear underneath the gown. She must be pushing 80.

MATTHEW
(Still stunned and just starring out into nothing at the bottom of the stairs)
I think she meant you Grandad

GRANDAD
(To Grandma up the stairs)
What the bloody hell are you doing in your under-wear?

MATTHEW
(Still stunned and starring into nothing at the bottom of the stairs)
She's wearing under-wear? She got that on fast

INT. KITCHEN.

MUM IS LAYING TABLE FOR TEA.

TOM ENTERS THROUGH BACK DOOR. HE'S WEARING SUNGLASSES.

TOM
Hiya. (SNIFFS) Ooh, mum, is that steak and kidney pie in the oven? I love a nice steak and kidney pie.

MUM
Dad! Tom's here.

DAD ENTERS.

DAD
What's the... Oh. (PAUSE) Look, lad, I've got something to tell you. You'd best sit down.

TOM
(LAUGHING) Ooh, I don't like the sound of this. That always means bad news.

DAD
We're not your parents.

TOM
What? You're kidding? (BEAT) You're not kidding. Oh my God, I can't believe it. I knew. I always knew I was different. (HOWLING) Oh Lord, who am I? Where did I come from? Why didn't you tell me before?

DAD
Well, this is the first time it's come up.

TOM
What?

DAD
This is number 43, you live at 49.

TOM
Oh! (PAUSE) Silly me. It's the same latch on the gate. Oh, well, sorry. I'll be off.

DAD
Not a problem. (CALLS) Don't forget your white stick.

TOM (O.O.V.)
Don't worry, I've got it.

DOOR CLOSES.

MUM
Prick.

DAD
I wouldn't mind if he was really blind.

END

MEET THE PARENTS

INT DAY: A HOUSE.
DAN, A YOUNG MAN IS GETTING DRESSED, WHILST TALKING ON HIS MOBILE. HE PICKS SOME OLD TRACK SUIT BOTTOMS FROM THE LINEN BASKET AND PUTS THEM ON. HIS PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS AS HE PICKS UP HIS DEODORANT AND THINKS BETTER OF IT.

Dan:
Frank, you big bummer, how's it goin?

DAN PUTS SOME TALC IN HIS HAIR AND PUTS ON A WRINKLED ‘I'M WITH STUPID'
T SHIRT.

Frank's voice:
Cool, hey, you out later?

Dan:
I hope so..some lady business first –

DAN PULLS ON A PAIR OF COWBOY BOOTS TO GO WITH HIS TRACK SUIT BOTTOMS AND LEAVES THE HOUSE. THE VOICES CAN BE HEARD OVER THE ACTION.

EXT DAY. A SUBURBAN STREET
DAN MAKES HIS WAY UP HANNAH'S PATH, WHISTLING. HE IS HOLDING A MYSTERY OBJECT BEHIND HIM.

Voice of frank:
how is it goin' with Hannah then?

Dan:
I've had enough, I need to finish with her.

Frank:
Oh no, mate, how you gonna do that?

Dan:
Piece of piss – I'm goin' round for dinner tonight to meet her parents – I'll act like an idiot, then everyone will see we're not right for each other..

Frank:
Genius! Laters mate!

FRANK RINGS OFF AND HANNAH ANSWERS THE DOOR. DAN HOLDS OUT A CHEAP FIGURINE FROM A ‘FANCY GOODS' SHOP.

Dan:
Ta da!

Hannah:
Ooh, I love this kind of stuff, you're so sweet.

SHE KISSES HIM AND HE LOOKS CONFUSED. SHE LEADS HIM IN.

Hannah:
Welcome to my humble abode – this is mum and dad – mum and dad this is Dan.

Dan (to Hannah's dad):
Are you wearing any underpants?

TO DAN'S SURPRISE, EVERYONE LAUGHS A LOT.

Hannah's dad:
I like a funny man. I believe you're staying for dinner.

Dan:
Yeah – what are we having - a big plate of poo?

EVERYONE LAUGHS AGAIN. DAN EXCUSES HIMSELF TO THE BATHROOM AND FUMBLES FOR HIS PHONE AND RINGS FRANK.

Dan:
Mate, the plan's not goin' well.

Frank:
Crank it up then

Dan:
I will, listen someone's coming, gotta go.

HE RINGS OFF. HANNAH'S MUM KICKS THE DOOR DOWN AND THE 3 OF THEM ARE STANDING AT THE DOOR. HANNAH'S DAD PRESENTS HIM WITH A BIG PLATE OF POO.

Hannah's dad:
It is a big plate of poo and I want you to look inside it –there you will find a huge treasure!

DAN LOOKS AT EVERYONE. HANNAH NODS ENCOURAGINGLY. HE RUMMAGES THROUGHT THE HUGE TURD, GAGGING AS HE DOES IT.

Dan:
There's nothing inside!

Hannah's dad:
I know! Hahaha!

Hannah:
Now you must marry me!

THE FAMILY START CHANTING, ‘MARRY ME! MARRY ME! MARRY ME!'

HANNAH PUTS A RING ON DAN'S POO-COVERED FINGERS. HE STARTS HYPERVENTILATING.

FADE TO A CAPTION SAYING: ‘BEEN THERE? TALK TO FRANK.'

FINAL NOTE.

HUSBAND AND WIFE IN THEIR 40'S RETURN HOME TO FIND A NOTE ON THE TABLE...

Dear Family,

I feel my time has reached it's end. I don't feel I have anything to give. I feel empty inside. My life has no direction and no meaning. Each day seems the same to me. I eat, I sleep, I hang around the house. My life isn't going anywhere and I don't feel there is any way out.
I have tried discussing it with you a few times but it feels like we speak a different language. Don't blame yourselves, this is the way it must be.

Goodbye forever,

Your loving dog,

Buddy.

Forshaw, for sure.

Frankie for me.

Liked Buddy's note, although I've no idea how it'd work as a sketch. Vote - Otterfox.

It's between Fred and Otterfox for me. Pretty much equal.

But I'll go with OTTERFOX because he caught me right out, I did not see the ending coming!

OTTERFOX

CHRIS FORSHAW, though I did like Frankie's.