For week 2 of Parsons & Naylor. What do you lot think?
Cheers
Dan
PARSONS AND NAYLOR’S PULL-OUT SECTIONS
LIVERPOOL PLAYERS
Liverpool’s Craig Bellamy attacked team-mate Jon Arne Riise with a putter at a training camp in Portugal. A karaoke night ended with Bellamy trying to coerce Riise to join him on stage and sing ‘Angels’. Riise was said to infuriate Bellamy by pointing out the irony of him singing ‘Angels’. Bellamy says he was not at all disgruntled and claims he was merely under orders to 'show him the golf club.'
Rafa Benitez was heard to tell Bellamy that he liked the 'four-iron' players at the club and hoped to strike a few more deals soon.
Riise's mother complained about the bruising sustained on her son's legs. When footballer's mothers are complaining about bruising on their sons' legs, maybe it's time to protect their precious little boys' legs in cotton wool. Or maybe golf club covers.
BRITNEY’S NEW HAIR-DO
Britney Spears checked out of rehab after only one day, shaved her head, got some tattoos and started wearing a wig. How *bad* was her rehab exactly? Wouldn't a short skirt and no knickers been just as conspicuous? At least nobody would have noticed her when she returned to her trailer park.
When a fan asked 'What have you done?' she replied 'You did this.' They replied 'No, I didn't. I was stood over here.' Craig Bellamy then dropped his golf club and was seen running from the scene.
It is suspected she has been at a Rehab Trailer Park: Step One -- shave head, get tattoos. Step Two -- get addicted to something slightly less addictive than last time. Step Three -- congratulations, you're Robbie Williams!
ROBBIE WILLIAMS’ ADDICTIONS
It turns out Robbie Williams is addicted to over-the-counter painkillers. His addictions seem to be to less serious poisons each time he goes to rehab. First it was drugs, then drink, now painkillers. In a year's time, he'll be back in the news complaining that he's been to The Priory to wean himself off Fruit Pastilles.
‘MILE-HIGH’ RALPH FIENNES
The air stewardess who allegedly had sex with Ralph Fiennes in an aeroplane toilet told this week how she immediately contacted another man afterwards telling him: “I've just been with that Ralph Fiennes. Now it's your turn!'” Intrepid explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes says he was both shocked and stunned to receive the call, in more ways than one.
EXPANSION OF CONGESTION ZONE
(As shipping forecast) 'Congestion Charge. Slowly moving west. Pounds 8. Rip-off. Horrendous.'
On the morning of the first day of the expansion, Ken Livingstone claimed that "first indications are that traffic levels have been reduced as expected by the scheme." He did not claim that "it's half-term this week. Oh dear."
ROAD-PRICING
Over a million people have signed an on-line petition against Pay-As-You-Go Road-Pricing. In fact, the Prime Minister’s website crashed after the petition was publicised on BBC's car magazine programme Top Gear. This is a major downturn in New Labour's support. At the next election, they are expected to be soundly beaten by the UK's most popular party: Jeremy Clarkson.
NEW SPEED CAMERAS INTRODUCED
New speed cameras are to be introduced to Britain’s roads. They no longer have to be visible and are so small they can be hidden in cat’s eyes. I don’t know about you, but my cat is livid!
Gordon Brown is now getting £50billion a year in road taxes and only £7billion is actually being spent on the roads. £1.1million of it is being spent on the 11 spin doctors he claims he doesn't have. This is not their salary, but merely an investment in speed cameras behind their weaselly, little eyes.
TEENAGE GUN CRIME
To counteract the gun culture that has this week littered Britain’s streets, Tony Blair wants the gun crime age lowered to 17 with a minimum 5 years inside. Tell that to the young men who were already inside when they were shot. At home. In bed.
Home Office figures have shown that violent crime in England and Wales was continuing to rise. A spokeman for the Home Office said 'In general, violent crime has risen. However, it did drop last week whilst Craig Bellamy was in Portugal.’
