The Beautiful Game (Quickie)

Could stretch the shooting budget this one.

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SCENE 1. EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH- DAY

A CENTRE FORWARD JUMPS TO HEAD A BALL THAT’S BEEN CROSSED TO HIM. THE BALL GLANCES FROM HIS HEAD AND BOUNCES OFF THE CROSSBAR BEFORE BEING CLEARED BY A DEFENDING PLAYER. THE CENTRE FORWARD SPITS ON THE PITCH IN THE TIME HONOURED WAY.

THE REFEREE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE AND SUMMONS THE CENTRE FORWARD OVER TO HIM.

REFEREE:
Right you! Name?

FOOTBALLER:
What did I do ref? What did I do?

REFEREE:
I’ve warned you about spitting. Look at the state of this pitch. It’s an absolute disgrace. We need to clean this game up a bit.

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THE PITCH AWASH WITH SPIT AND GUNK. THERE’S A SMALL BOAT SAILING DOWN THE TOUCHLINE AND SEVERAL OF THE OPPOSING TEAM ONBOARD. OTHER PLAYERS ON THE FIELD ARE IN FISHING WADERS.

THE PLAYERS IN THE BOAT START TO SING.

PLAYERS:
Fifteen men on a dead mans chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

END

like it.

Hehe! Made me laugh.

That may well be the most disgusting thing to film ever though

Dan

A 'field of flem' - yuck. Could be worse, could have been a 'field of shite' - no wait - that's been done already - I believe they call it The Emirates Stadium.
Very gross but funny all the same in a sick kind of way.

Quote: Andy W. @ February 20, 2007, 12:07 PM

Could be worse, could have been a 'field of shite' - no wait - that's been done already - I believe they call it The Emirates Stadium.

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Booya!

Confidentially Blenkinsop, I think you have issues but that said, still funny.

I really like it. If you don't want to stretch the budget, you could execute as a stop motion animation? legomen make excellent actors and their rates are fairly modest. There's an internet site dedicated to legomen shorts - google it. It would also suit the syle - i.e. the pitch of spit would be difficult to recreate using traditinal film, unless you're using after effects or similar.

PS the players in the boat, which I've assumed to be pirate players, could make the referee walk the plank at the end....?

Thanks all for your comments.

Yes Baumski I do have issues but my therapy is supposed to be helping.

Thanks Nick for the tip off I'll have a look at the leggo men and I do like the idea of the ref walking the plank too.

The only way to get this filmed traditionally would be to go to the Beeb and ask for the left over gunge from Noel's Wrinkly Old Cackfest and buy it all up.

Then we could get Mr Tidybeard himself to maybe be the ref and for no good reason at all we could beat Mr Blobby with baseball bats.

Oh God! I need my next therapy session and I need it quick!

Just a thought about the Beeb. Years ago I needed a Dalek and I had speaks with the BBC and actually managed to get my hands on one. Nothing ventured, nothing gunged I suppose.

Quote: Baumski @ February 20, 2007, 3:02 PM

Just a thought about the Beeb. Years ago I needed a Dalek and I had speaks with the BBC and actually managed to get my hands on one.

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Hey Baumski!

What did you....No don't worry

*pauses*

Ahem ahem! What di...no doesn't matter

*twiddles thumbs*

Look Baumski there's been something I've been meaning to ask you (Pause) What did you want a Dalek for?

Was it nice?

It could have been something beautiful but alas no, it wasn't to be. The whole experience was a somewhat bitter sweet affair after I discovered the voice of the dalek was a little grey haired actor by the name of John Scott Martin. It wasn't him, it was me and I'm sorry I ever brought it up........

I thought it was Roy Skelton, the voice of Zippi that was the Daleks? Or maybe he was just a Dalek... Derek... The Dalek...Derek The Dalek

I challenge Shoepie to make that sketch. AS an animation it would be bloody funny. WEll done Blenkinsop

Thanks Fred

I had though animation but I don't have a clue about the tech side of making this happen