British Comedy Guide

No dogs

2 POLICE MEN ON STAGE WITH A POLICE DOG.

PC1

Right we're bringing down Harry the Bastard, he's right a vicious git. He raped, murdered, and ate 10 victims.

PC2

No PC he did that to all 10 victims, but in reverse order. Good thing we got the police dog.

A SENIOR POLICE OFFICER WALKS ON.

SP

Hold it right their officers, haven't read your new sensitive policing guide lines? Harry the bastard maybe a psychotic, cannibal, rapist, but he might be scared of dogs. I bet you haven't even done a risk assessment.

PC1

No sir, we'll just have to use our truncheons.

SP

No way are you waving phallic objects at a suspect, he'll sue us for calling him gay. And take your helmets off, he might not have been breast fed and could find them intimidating.

PC1

What is the world coming to, no dog, no truncheon, and no bloody hat. Come back Dixon all is forgiven.

PC2

Well can we take some shooters then?

SP

Can't see why not, just remember.

ALL 3 TOGETHER

He looked like a Muslim suicide bomber, in a thick coat, that's why I shot him

Worth resurecting this one I think. On the last line after bomber, change the text to "and I did warn him three times before I shot him"

Not bad at all.

Delighted this sketch based on an obscure story is proving popular.

Genuinely the police must now take cultural fears and phobias of dogs into accounts when using them.

I'd probably lose the line "what's the world coming to" and just have one of the PC's glumly say "Can we at LEAST take our shooters?"...just makes it a bit punchier!

But I like the premise, it's really well done! Good job!

Hi Sooty
I dug this sketch out of the back catalogue and I really liked it. I wonder how many more good sketches have slipped the net unnoticed?

Wasn't "Harry The Bastard" a character in Bottom? I'm sure he was pawnbroker in the episode where Eddie and Richie tried to pawn the Falklands veteran's wooden leg?

And Not the 9 O'clock news, and I believe Monty Python.

The world has room for more than 1 Harry the Bastard.

Did you like the sketch?

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