British Comedy Guide

The Bin

hey guys.
this is the first part of my sitcom set in a inner city hostel.
tell me what you think.
and don't be to harsh.
lol :D

‘The bin’
Episode 1
(Every wasteman has his day)

Written by Moses M. Ssebandeke

EVERY WASTEMAN HAS HIS DAY”

FADE IN:
EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE – NIGHT
On top of a pile of bin bags lays a dirty homeless man in his late teens sleeping. It is VIRGIL RONALDS. His look on his face is scared and disorientated.

A wolf HOWLS OS.
VIRGIL
(Waking up abruptly)
Wolf-people. I’m going to get bum-raped by wolf-people.

The shot of VIRGIL wiggling in fear freezes.

VIRGIL (VO)
You are probably wondering why a perfectly intelligent and rational looking man is... I’m sorry good looking man is screaming that wolf-people are about to perform obscene sexual acts upon him. Well my friends this horribly tragic story starts in an even more tragic decade...the early nineties.

CUT TO: HOSPITAL BUILDING – DAY – ESTABLISHING

We are in a busy delivery room, KATE GIBSON (late teens) breaths heavily as she tries to give birth. While squeezing the hand of her boyfriend KEVIN OKONDO (early twenties). A NURSE late forties comforts the woman.

KEVIN
(With anger)
Where’s that f**king doctor!

NURSE
He’s just running a bit late, and don’t be filled with despair Mr. Okondo you’re about to receive the beautiful gift of a child.

KEVIN
Yeah yeah that’s nice, but the thing is I’m not going to have a HAND! after this. The woman is tearing it off. (Screams in pain) why don’t you tell him to hurry up.

NURSE
The ward has been extremely busy this past week. It’s not my fault everyone has been having SEX a lot lately.

KEVIN
Hey there’s no need to blame sex for the birth of babies

NURSE
Were the hell do you think babies come from Mr Okondo.

KATE
(Screaming)
Can you two please stop talking about sex in-front of me while I’m in labour. You’re reminding how I got here in the first place.

The DOCTOR enters the room leisurely he is in his late twenties and he’s wearing blood soaked surgical gloves.

DOCTOR
Looks like you started the party without me.

KATE
Just shut up and stick your hands inside me

DOCTOR
Wow I wish my wife was as eager as you.

KATE
(Screaming)
Just get to it please. He keeps poking his head in and out. It’s like he’s teasing me

DOCTOR
Okay enough of this small talk let’s get to business.

NURSE
Urrmm doctor, aren’t you going to change your gloves before you perform delivery?

DOCTOR
Hey if you want to quickly run to asdas to get a new box of surgical gloves be my guest Jane.

KATE
(Screaming)
He’s coming!!!

The DOCTOR quickly rushes towards KATE. While KEVIN hands continue to get crashed.

VIRGIL (VO)
So on that day April 1st 1990 12:37 pm I was born in St George’s hospital, but I was an unwanted pregnancy in a loveless relationship

EXT CARE HOME EST- DAY
INT CARE WORKERS OFFICE

A female CAUCASIAN CARE WORKER [early thirties] enters followed by a white couple [forties] JOSEPH and MELANIE RONALDS. CARE WORKER directs them to take a seat and sits opposite them.

Mr and Mrs RONALDS talk in a confident and paced manner while THE CARE WORKER responds with slight perplexity all throughout.
CARE WORKER
So Mr and Mrs Ronalds, what can I do for you?
MELANIE
Well we’re looking to adopt.

JOSEPH
Yes we’ve always wanted a young snapper galloping around the mansion.

CARE WORKER
Great, there are plenty of benefits that arise from the act of adopting. And our centre has over a hundred young children who are looking for a permanent home. So would you like to see some photos of them?

MELANIE
Wow, of course

CARE WORKER brings out a folder with photos of white children. She starts to show the couple who don’t look interested with the photos on offer.

MELANIE
Well all of these kids a rather delightful but we’re more interested in your black range.

JOSEPH
(Sharply)
Yes, the Blackest you’ve got

CARE WORKER
Excuse me, our black range-?

MELANIE goes into her purse and pulls out a magazine cut out of EDDIE MURPHY, with his face circled a number of times. She hands the photo to the CARE WORKER.

MELANIE
Something along the lines of this.

CARE WORKER
Ohh, you’re referring to our African and Caribbean children.

JOSEPH
Yes, if that’s what they’re called these days.

CARE WORKER puts the folder back into the file and gets out a folder of Black photos. While they look at the photos, they put each one next to the EDDIE MURPHY cut out, for comparison. MELANIE sees a photo she likes.

MELANIE
(To CARE WORKER)
Can we hear him laugh?

She overlooks the photo after seeing one of one year old VIRGIL with thick glasses and a very very very nappy afro.

MELANIE
He’s nice, very nice... the hair-

JOSEPH
The lips.

MELANIE AND JOSEPH (UNISON)
We’ll take him.

SERIES OF SHOTS:IN QUICK SUCCESSION
A) SHUTTING FILE CABINET
B) PAPER WORK BEING SIGNED
C) LIMO DRIVING OFF
D) THE FAMILY ENTERING THE MANSION
END OF SHOTS.
INT. RONALDS MANSION- DAY

JOSEPH
Welcome home!

VIRGIL (VO) CONT’D
And has time passed so did my intelligence pass that of my adopted parents.

JOSEPH
(In a singing voice)
How old are you today. You’re 4years old yeah

MELANIE
No he’s not JOSEPH

JOSEPH
Yes he is Melanie I think I “KNOW” the Childs age.

MELANIE
No he’s not Joseph. Look he’s showing you on his fingers.

CU- VIRGIL HOLDING UP THREE FINGERS.

JOSEPH
Oh... you are. (laughs) you smart f**k.

VIRGIL (VO)
My intangible intelligence got me a scholarship to the most prestigious school Asquith school for boys. Finally I thought I would be paired with my intellectual equals, but sadly that was not the case. But that did not stop me from achieving highly academically. Life was marvellous and I was at the top of the world but that all changed when my adopted parents divorced...me

INT. THE RONALDS LIVING ROOM
Mr and Mrs. RONALDS sit on the couch while VIRGIL sit’s opposite with a bewildered and confused look on his face. MELANIE sits calmly and in charge like while JOSEPH sits ashamed and is unable to look VIRGIL in the eyes.

VIRGIL
You’re divorcing me! Is that even possible?

MELANIE
You’re of legal age now. So we do have a right to separate ourselves from you.

VIRGIL
But that’s not fair. I’m the one who is supposed to get rid of you. When I get a high paying job in the city and I ignore all your calls.

JOSEPH
Yeah well this speeds it up a bit

VIRGIL looks at his father with a poisonous, JOSEPH quickly loses his courage.

VIRGIL
You can’t do this. This must be a joke.

MELANIE
Sadly it is possible. Ever since the government made the reverse Macaulay Culkin act.

VIRGIL
(starts to stutter)
I-I know what this I-is about. It’s that I’m smarter then you two isn’t it.

JOSEPH AND MELANIE
(In unison)
Noooo

MELANIE
We’ve always known about your intelligence, I remember when you first learnt how to read at age 2

VIRGIL
(spiteful voice.)
Yeah. You just don’t like it when I took over as president of your book club a week later.

JOSEPH
(Laughing)
He got you there.

VIRGIL quickly turns into the direction of his father.

VIRGIL
And you... there’s just too many.

MELANIE
I think it would be best that you leave now Virgil.

VIRGIL
(regains his confidence)
You know I may have grown up as upper class, but I’m a BLACK MAN that gives be an automatic ability to survive in today’s so called mean streets. So next time you see me I’ll be waving at you from a top of the great ladder of success. So I have one more word to say to you two un-grateful shits... FUCK YOU

VIRGIL gets up and stomps towards the door swings it open and slamming it closed. The RONALDS sit relieved.

JOSEPH
He’s not so smart after all. F**k you are two words...or is it?

KATE glares at him with a disgusted face.

Ok first things first. It's funny, strong characters, even in a couple of pages a good strong plot feel (shown not told), and very nice sparky banter between characters.

How ever it is a bit unreal, so i'd say make your mind up if this hyper real style is what you want.

If it is I'd still add one more, more easily identifiable character.

But good stuff, it reads like a zany, funny sitcom ala Young Ones or Fresh Prince.

fanx for the reply mate.
yeah i want it to be a sureal comedy but not mighty boosh or goodies sureal
but maybe spaced sureal.
but fanx still.
do you write?
were can i find your stuff if you have any? :D

Peruse the critique forum I write bits and bobs.

Surreal can work, as long as characters are still identifiable enough for people to bond with.

It reads well. I enjoyed it.

'Ever since the government made the reverse Macaulay Culkin act.'

That was the line for me.

fanx mate.
i like ur heavy metal nun
skit. sounds like something
monty python would do. :D

Quote: MOZZIE BEATZ @ July 20 2008, 6:09 PM BST

fanx mate.
i like ur heavy metal nun
skit. sounds like something
monty python would do. :D

Thanks Mozz... I don't mean to do Pythonesque but they were the Comedy Gods, courted by the whole World, when I was a lower-sixth former and I have no doubt they have influenced me quite considerably! :)

Mozz not being funny, but I wouldn't use text speak it majorly annoys the guys who run this forum.

Yeah i enjoyed this. I think the adopted parents will prove to be fun to write. I always enjoy sending up middle class/rich parents. Rich and ignorant will always give you bundles of material and as sooty points out, you've set up an intriguing plot swiftly - it shows great craft. However i think you need to explain why Virgils real parents are still in the scene. I thought it had a real good flow to it until i got confused about that. Have i missed something or is it revealed later?

oh no that was a mistake.
it was them who dirvorced him before but i changed it.
so i must of forgot to change the names.
i need to proof read more. :$

Quote: MOZZIE BEATZ @ July 20 2008, 6:09 PM BST

fanx mate.
i like ur heavy metal nun
skit. sounds like something
monty python would do. :D

SootyJ's right, Mozzie. Need to write proper English like. T'is the rules. Or else you'll attract the BSG Terminator that we wheel out on special occasions. It dispenses mayhem, grammatically correct mayhem, but mayhem nontheless. :)

cool.
I just get use to it
sometimes.

Are you seriously 16 years old? Gee, that's a lot of promise to be showing at such an age. I agree with the others who have enjoyed it so far. There's definitely something in the writing here, and with a bit more oomph, rewriting (and, yes, proof-reading) you could be onto something. Nice work so far.

Share this page