Sketch Comp 18-25.7.8

Thanks!!!
Congrats to JAMES HARRIS for winning! That's 10 points and excuse to get handsomely ferret-bottomed. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - James Harris
1 - 5 - Timbo
1 - 5 - garyd

Your new subject: THE SEA, chosen by Timbo.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25 July.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

87 - Frankie
83 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
37 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Chris Forshaw
25 - Timbo
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Otterfox
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
05 - Afinkawan
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twix, so PM me. Thanks

It cuts to a stereotypical looking fisherman winding in his nets by the sea shore. After a few moments a sea shanty style ring tone starts playing. The fisherman reaches into his jacket pocket and produces a conch shell that he holds to his ear as the ring tone stops playing

FISHERMAN
Arr… speaking

I hate the Beach, sand gets everywhere. Parents let their kids run around naked. no shame, it's nice for the kid not being bound with the nappy or whatever and it's nice for the parents who only have to dip the kid in a bucket of water to get them clean but when the little Gremlin decides to come ransack my camp what am I supposed to do? Can't give him the don't you dare look cause that would involve looking at him and if you see a naked child your instantly a paedophile. You can't pick them up and throw them into the sea because the parents will think your trying to feel the kid up. So you sit the letting the bare arsed horror maul yours biscuit and jump on your sandwiches with its sand and urine covered talons until the kid has had enough of smearing it's self over every piece of food you possess and takes off at full waddling speed to next camp.

NIGHT. INT. SEASIDE PUB. TWO YOUNGISH MEN AND TWO OLD SEAFARING MEN ARE SAT AT TWO DIFFERENT TABLES. ALL FOUR HAVE HALF DRUNK PINTS IN FRONT OF THEM. IT'S RAINING HARD AGAINST THE WINDOW. AN OLD BATTLEAXE OF A LANDLADY IS SCOWLING FROM BEHIND THE BAR.

OLD TED LOOKS AT THE WINDOW.

OLD HARRY:
It'll ease up soon enough, Ted…

OLD TED: (SLIGHTLY WORRIED)
Aye, it's only a drop o' water anyways…

OLD HARRY: (LAUGHS)
I've seen plenty worse off dogger bank…

OLD TED: (LAUGHS)
You and me both, Harry…

THEY BOTH LOOK AWAY FROM THE WINDOW AND SIT NURSING THEIR PINTS.

OTHER TABLE.

YOUNG DAVE:
So tell me, Jack, your wife - like a bit of Moby does she?

YOUNG JACK:
Mmm.. yes, quite partial in fact.

YOUNG DAVE:
He! he! I knew it, she looks just the type..

YOUNG JACK:
Yep, and I like him too - great singer!

DAVE: (PUZZLED)
Eh?

THE RAIN LASHES DOWN INCREDIBLY HARD ON THE WINDOW AND AS ALL FOUR MEN TURN TO LOOK, THE TOP HALF OF A MASSIVE SEAGOING FERRY GOES PAST RIGHT OUTSIDE BLOWING IT'S FOGHORN.

OLD TED:
It may be coming on harder than we thought, Harry… (PAUSE) ..OR ..is 'The Fish Food Man' up to his old tricks?

THE TWO OLD SAILORS LOOK AT EACH OTHER KNOWINGLY, DRINK UP AND LEAVE. THE ACTION MOVES BACK TO THE TWO YOUNG MEN.

YOUNG DAVE:
No Jack, no.. I meant, does she like a bit of you know, Moby D? Come on mate, I don't wanna spell it out.. (NODS TOWARDS THE SCOWLING LANDLADY)

YOUNG JACK:
Oh, right, I get it. Yeah, she can't get enough of it mate..

YOUNG DAVE:
Knew it, bro, knew it!

YOUNG JACK:
Yeah, it's always stuck to her ear, never stops talking to her bleedin' mother on the mobi does she..

YOUNG DAVE SIGHS. YOUNG JACK GRIMACES TO HIMSELF.

NIGHT. EXT. SEASIDE TOWN. HARBOUR. THE RAIN IS LASHING DOWN. THE TWO OLD SAILORS HAVE MADE IT TO A SMALL JETTY. A MAN IS SAT AT THE END OF IT WITH HIS LEFT LEG DANGLING IN THE WATER. HIS RIGHT LEG IS A BLOODY STUMP.

THERE IS A BIG SPLASH UNDER HIS LEG. THE MAN GRIMACES THEN PULLS OUT A SECOND BLOODY STUMP. HE TURNS TO THE TWO OLD SAILORS WITH A SMILE OF SATISFACTION AS HE POINTS TO A "NO FISHING" SIGN AND TAPS HIS NOSE KNOWINGLY.

OLD TED & OLD HARRY BOTH MAKE THE SIGN OF A CROSS OVER THEIR CHESTS AND ARE DRENCHED BY A HUGE WAVE.

NIGHT. INT. BACK IN THE PUB.

YOUNG DAVE:
So does she like a shag then or what!?

YOUNG JACK: (BOILS OVER)
No she f**king well doesn't, Dave! OK?

THE SCOWLING LANDLADY SLAMS DOWN A HAND ON THE BAR.

END

EXT. DECK OF A BOAT - DAY

The boat is like an old pirate ship. Cap'n is stood steering the boat, First mate next to him.

FIRST MATE
Cap'n, you wanted to see me?

CAP'N
Yes. Go fetch the buoy would you

First mate goes off and comes back with a boy.

BOY1
Yes cap'n

CAP'N
No not that boy. The other kind of buoy

First mate leaves with the boy and comes back with a black boy.

BOY2
Cap'n?

CAP'N
No no no. B U O Y buoy

FIRST MATE
Oh. Right, sorry cap'n

First mate goes off with the boy and comes back with 2 buoys.

FIRST MATE
Here we go cap'n

CAP'N
Ah yeah we have two buoys don't we. Well, toss the both off starboard

FIRST MATE
Yes cap'n

First mate leaves and we hear the screams of two boys. Cap'n leaves the wheel and walks down the deck to First mate who is stood there with two buoys next to him.

FIRST MATE
You meant these buoys didn't you cap'n?

Cap'n nods. First mate tosses the buoys overboard.

FIRST MATE
What now cap'n?

CAP'N
Drag the boys back in

FIRST MATE
Aye aye cap'n

The first mate grabs a rope and tosses it over the side of the boat. The cap'n goes back over to the wheel. Once he arrives there we see across the deck to the first mate who is pulling in two buoys from the side. The cap'n shakes his head in disbelief.

INT. DAY. PUB.

BLOKE 1: Do you know how Jesus was able to walk on water?

BLOKE 2: Yeah, he was the Son of God and could perform miracles.

BLOKE 1: Bullshit mate, he was the son of a carpenter.

BLOKE 2: I dunno what you mean.

BLOKE 1: Stilts mate, ha, ha.

BLOKE 2: Piss off.

ENDS.

DAN SLAB: So, Admiral Cho, your whaling fleet has returned with only 60% of its quota. Many people are saying that it is a good thing, particularly as some species of whales are so endangered.

CHO: It doesn't mean they are endangered, they're just getting better at hiding. We think they camouflage themselves with seaweed or they scrunch themselves up really small so we mistake them for dolphins.

DAN SLAB: So you dispute the fact that they are endangered?

CHUO: It's a well-known fact that there are billions of whales. They breed like rabbits. You know when whales sometimes get washed up on shore and people have trouble getting them back into the sea?

DAN SLAB: Ye-e-es…

CHO: That's what happens when the sea nearby gets full up with all the whales breeding all over the place. Some of them get squashed out of the sea onto the beach and there's no room to put them back. That's why we have to hunt them.

DAN SLAB: If there are so many whales, why do you think people protest about you hunting them?

CHO: Well there are a few misguided people who don't realise that with too many whales in the world, eating all the potatoes, you would not be able to have the chips which your country loves so dearly.

DAN SLAB: But whales don't eat potatoes. Mostly they eat fish or plankton don't they?

CHO: Well, part of the scientific study we do when we hunt whales is to determine what they eat. We think that plankton might grow up into potatoes (LAUGHS) but we can hardly hunt plankton to study them can we? Our harpoons are far too big to catch plankton.

DAN SLAB: I suppose so…

CHO: You like chips don't you?

DAN SLAB: Of course.

CHO: And you don't want whales rolling about all over your beaches, eating all the candy floss and ice-cream and sticks of rock, do you?

DAN SLAB: Well, when you put it like that…

CHO: Exactly. So our whaling protects your British way of life. Good day.

DAN SLAB: Ummm…an interesting viewpoint from a man who has clearly spent too much time at sea. Thank you, Admiral Cho.

In line with the DVD spirit here's a joke with alternative endings.
SET-UP: I'm on a sea-food diet.
PUNCH-LINE: Either 'I can only eat food from the sea.'
or: http://www.flickr.com/photos/flippedcracker/96929034/

THE DROWNING?

THE BEACH. TWO 14 YEAR OLD CHILDREN SEAN AND PAUL PLAYING ON A RAFT. HAPPY ATMOSPHERE. SEAN FALLS IN.

PAUL: (Shouts) Sean!!... Noo!!!

PAUL TRIES TO CATCH HIM BUT CANNOT SAVE HIM... CUT TO TEN YEARS LATER. PAUL IS STROLLING ALONG THE BEACH REMINISING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY. AS HE STROLLS SEAN COMES UP OUT OF THE WATER FULLY GROWN UP AND GASPING FOR AIR.

PAUL: (DISBELIEVINGLY) Sean!?... Oh my God!!

SEAN: (Stumbles out of the water coughing and spluttering) Paul.... I nearly drowned, I nearly drowned.

END.

Or you can watch it here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCo2p3i1zKE

====================
CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE
====================
NEPTUNE SITS ON HIS THRONE IN HIS UNDERWATER CASTLE. NO-ONE IS TALKING. A FISH GUARD SWIMS THROUGH THE ENTRANCE OF A DOOR, STOPS, THEN SWIMS AROUND THE DOOR AND BACK THROUGH AGAIN.

A PANICKED GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THROUGH A FISH-SIZED GAP IN THE MAIN DOORS, EYES BULGING.

GOLDFISH:
Your Royal Wetness! Captain Birdseye is here to (STOPS SUDDENLY, LOOKS CONFUSED) Now, what was it agai—

THE FULL DOOR SMASHES OPEN, SQUASHING THE FISH. NEPTUNE DROPS HIS TRIDENT, ATTEMPTS TO CATCH IT AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Yar har, Neptune! You owe me rent!

NEPTUNE COWERS NERVOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF HIS CHAIR

NEPTUNE:
Captain Birdseye – I haven't got it!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Oh no? Always the same excuses. (MIMICS APPALLINGLY) "There's a worldwide cod shortage"!

NEPTUNE:
But there *is* a worldwide cod shortage!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
I'll have haddock then! Only the second best for the Captain's table!

NEPTUNE:
There's a haddock shortage too! There aren't any fish left!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
You must think I'm a mug, Neptune!

NEPTUNE:
Look, (GULPS) you've used it all up. Since you won the oceans off me in Zeus's ill-advised poker game, you derestricted my stringent rationing and regrowth policy for the gain of your frozen food empire! Now, I'm not saying capitalism is such a bad thing, but… there's nothing left to give!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
(CONSIDERS) So, what have you got to offer?

NEPTUNE:
All that's left. (BEAT) The krill.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Krill?! Krill!??! That's just plankton! I can't freeze that!

NEPTUNE:
(GULPS) Sure you can. Call it…. Call it ‘Healthy Living Cod' on the packet. No-one'll know the difference.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
You disappoint me, Neptune. We're gonna have to cook something special up for you. Grab him, boys!

THE HENCHMEN, BOTH OF WHOM ARE IDENTICAL CLONES OF THE ‘NEW, YOUNG' CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE DESCEND UPON NEPTUNE AND GRAB HIM IN THE ENSUING STRUGGLE.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Okay Neptune, your choice: a battering or breadcrumbing?

END

HEAD HUNTING

EXT. DAY. BY THE SEA.

TWO MEN, ONE UGLY, ONE GOOD LOOKING, HOLD THEIR FISHING RODS

SFX: SEA SHANTY MUSIC ON ACCORDION.

THE GOOD LOOKING MAN GETS A BITE AND SMILES. HE FROWNS WHEN HE SEES THAT HE HAS ONLY CAUGHT A WELLINGTON BOOT.

THE UGLY MAN GETS A BITE. AS HE REELS IN HIS CATCH HE DISCOVERS IT IS A FLAMBOYANT PLATFORM SHOE. HE SMILES SMUGLY.

THE GOOD LOOKING MAN GETS ANOTHER BITE. HE LOOKS GUTTED WHEN HE PULLS IT OUT AND IT IS A SMALL CHILD'S TOY CAR.

THE UGLY MAN GETS A BITE AND REELS HIS IN. HE LAUGHS OUT LOOUD, RUFFLING THE OTHER MAN'S HAIR WHEN HE SEES THAT HE HAS CAUGHT A HUGE REMORE CONTROLLED TOY 4X4 CAR.

THE GOOD LOOKING MAN THEN REELS IN A HUMAN HAND AND THROWS IT BACK IN THE WATER, THIS TIME STANDING UP AND STOMPING, MUCH TO THE AMUSEMENT OF THE OTHER.

THE OTHER MAN PULLS OUT A HUMAN HEAD AND CRADLES IT TRIUMPHANTLY.

THE HEAD STARTS TO TALK.

Head:
You win, but you're one ugly bastard.

Good looking man:
How dare you!

HE PUNCHES THE HEAD. THE HEAD RESPONDS BY BITING THE MAN'S THROAT UNTIL HE DROPS DOWN DEAD.

AS THE SUN SETS, THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THE HEAD AND THE GOOD LOOKING MAN SITTING SIDE BY SIDE FISHING. CUT TO THEIR BUCKET, WHICH IS FULL OF FISH.

AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK FURTHER, THE GOOD LOOKING MAN APPEARS TO BE PUTTING HIS PENIS IN THE HEAD'S MOUTH.

FADE TO BLACK.

Comp's over, let's have your votes till MIDNIGHT WEDNESDAY!

Afinkawan gets my vote. If only for this line:
"Our harpoons are far too big to catch plankton"
which was very, very funny indeed.

Dan

FRED PETERS has it for me!

He! he! Fred, tut tut..

Chris Forshaw for me.