EXT. A FIELD - DAY
Two farmer looking men are stood leaning on a fence looking over at a horse running around.
MAN1
There she is, the best damn race horse I've ever had, grand national champion, safe and sound back in her field
MAN2
Errr..one problem there mate. We're in the field
The horse gallops off into the distance and we hear a screech of brakes and a crash. Pause for a moment.
MAN1
Shit
It's okay except you say at the start she is running around in a field. Maybe tweak that? Also it sounds like a commentory rather than conversation and five nationals in a row is a little unlikely and predicting a next win seems wrong.
That was a blood quick reply. I have edited in your suggestions.
Cheers
Lol, well just watching the golf which is like watching snails race. I'd keep the National reference in, maybe some comment re, 'I'm telling you this is the best prospect we've ever had, I'd put your mortgage on her.' Brakes etc..
They say Grand National winner not champion. Maybe if the guy was about to buy the horse and money was changing hands when the accident occured it might add something.
Gotta say you've written better, it just doesn't feel funny to me. Too linear, not enough twist.
Yeah I liked it.
The Two Ronnies could have done a good job on that with some minor variation perhaps for their two tramp characters.